text
stringlengths 3
40.2k
| class
stringclasses 2
values | cleaned_text
stringlengths 3
40k
|
|---|---|---|
I have to put this in writing somehow so I stick to it. feels good honestly
|
self-harm
|
i have to put this in writing somehow so i stick to it. feels good honestly
|
I've made my peace with the fact that I'm going to kill myself... One day. My head is a train wreck, my life skills are nonexistent, I have zero reliable friends, I'm disconnected from my family, I'm basically alone 24/7 with my toxic thoughts... But despite all of that there's a degree of comfort in knowing that I can grab a knife or tie a noose at any given moment. For some people going out on our own terms is the best we can hope for. A small victory to end a life of constant losses. I'll take it.
|
self-harm
|
i've made my peace with the fact that i'm going to kill myself.. one day. my head is a train wreck, my life skills are nonexistent, i have zero reliable friends, i'm disconnected from my family, i'm basically alone 24/7 with my toxic thoughts.. but despite all of that there's a degree of comfort in knowing that i can grab a knife or tie a noose at any given moment. for some people going out on our own terms is the best we can hope for. a small victory to end a life of constant losses. i'll take it.
|
I really want help now i just cant so this anymore alone i feel hopeless
|
self-harm
|
i really want help now i just cant so this anymore alone i feel hopeless
|
I can't think of any reason to stay. I have no sense of stability in any area of life and I'm fucking terrified. Narcissistic parents that didn't want me. No friends. I've experienced how wonderful life can be, just for marvelling at existence itself and appreciating its divinity - appreciating my senses etc. It's not enough though. My basic human needs aren't being met and I've tried everything. I can't seem to play the character that I need to in order to move through the world. I'm tired. Nothing's getting better, it's getting worse and I'm not a teenager anymore - I'm a woman in my late twenties. I want out. I'm done being alone and being in these terrifying situations. I'm ready to die.
|
self-harm
|
i can't think of any reason to stay. i have no sense of stability in any area of life and i'm fucking terrified. narcissistic parents that didn't want me. no friends. i've experienced how wonderful life can be, just for marvelling at existence itself and appreciating its divinity - appreciating my senses etc. it's not enough though. my basic human needs aren't being met and i've tried everything. i can't seem to play the character that i need to in order to move through the world. i'm tired. nothing's getting better, it's getting worse and i'm not a teenager anymore - i'm a woman in my late twenties. i want out. i'm done being alone and being in these terrifying situations. i'm ready to die.
|
Hi, it's my first post here, I'm new in this community. So... I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for at least 8 years now. Today is my 25th birthday. Things have been extremely bad lately. I lost my job that I adored and I feel useless because of unemployment, I live in a country where unemployment rates are extremely high and my field of work doesn't have many opportunities. Even outside of it, it's hard to find work. I feel hopeless and it has made my suicidal thoughts much worse.
I actually plan to do it tonight. I had a shitty birthday and I really don't need to live a day more. Leading up to today, I've broken up with my girlfriend and pushed my family members away from me as much as possible, so it will lessen their pain. It hurts a lot, but it's for their own good.
I've tried therapy and medication, it helped briefly but my psychiatrist told me that my depression will keep coming back easily, I have family history of depression and suicide so it's no wonder. I can't keep going through this and bringing down my loved ones. I can't keep living like this.
I guess the reason I made this post is to vent. I don't know if I'm actually going to go through it tonight. I hope I'll be able to. My feelings have gone numb and I just want to close my eyes forever. I called a suicide hotline and the operator tried to guilt me into staying alive by telling me all about how my family will miss me... I know they will, but it will pass with time. I'm very worried about them, but I can't keep living for them. It's been the only reason I've kept living all these years... I can't do this anymore.
So, tonight might be the end. Sorry for venting. I'm keeping it a secret, obviously, but I felt like I had to tell someone, even anonymously on reddit. Goodbye.
|
self-harm
|
hi, it's my first post here, i'm new in this community. so.. i've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for at least 8 years now. today is my 25th birthday. things have been extremely bad lately. i lost my job that i adored and i feel useless because of unemployment, i live in a country where unemployment rates are extremely high and my field of work doesn't have many opportunities. even outside of it, it's hard to find work. i feel hopeless and it has made my suicidal thoughts much worse. i actually plan to do it tonight. i had a shitty birthday and i really don't need to live a day more. leading up to today, i've broken up with my girlfriend and pushed my family members away from me as much as possible, so it will lessen their pain. it hurts a lot, but it's for their own good. i've tried therapy and medication, it helped briefly but my psychiatrist told me that my depression will keep coming back easily, i have family history of depression and suicide so it's no wonder. i can't keep going through this and bringing down my loved ones. i can't keep living like this. i guess the reason i made this post is to vent. i don't know if i'm actually going to go through it tonight. i hope i'll be able to. my feelings have gone numb and i just want to close my eyes forever. i called a suicide hotline and the operator tried to guilt me into staying alive by telling me all about how my family will miss me.. i know they will, but it will pass with time. i'm very worried about them, but i can't keep living for them. it's been the only reason i've kept living all these years.. i can't do this anymore. so, tonight might be the end. sorry for venting. i'm keeping it a secret, obviously, but i felt like i had to tell someone, even anonymously on reddit. goodbye.
|
What the fuck is even the point when no one gives a shit about me? Their life makes no difference if I’m here or not. I want the pain to stop so badly I just want to die.
|
self-harm
|
what the fuck is even the point when no one gives a shit about me? their life makes no difference if i'm here or not. i want the pain to stop so badly i just want to die.
|
I assume the person cutting is a girl but i’m not sure. I was scrolling through random hashtags about adhd because i have it. Then in a post i clicked a self harming hashtag. Then I saw her profile with 2 or 3 posts of her cutting herself. Very new, and its been 6 days since she’s first made the profile.
First attempt talking:
Titles herself as an unwanted person. She wants help, and I saw it and I fucking had to do something. I couldn’t just leave someone crying for heIp. I’ve tried to talk to her using knowledge I’ve read online. She doesn’t want to talk to me and replies with “idk” constantly. So i said I’ll leave her and told her to think about seeking a professional. Told her to remember it’ll pass and some other things. So i stopped talking for 2 days.
Second attempt:
I came back to her profile account, and saw her new posts. She was trying to talk to me through her captions accompanied by photos with more cuts. She said “if you can’t help me no one can” and “help”.
So i messaged her/him again asking if she thought about seeking professional help yet. She wrote “about?” and “ty” and asked how old i was. She then posted on her profile page again with “i need you but you don’t seem to need me 🙃🔫” with more fucking cuts...probably because it took me a while to respond since i didn’t see it.
Back to the private messages. I said i was 19. She’s seen my message and hasn’t responded for about 4 hours now.
I then texted “do you live with your family” just recently. I need help right now. I need as much help to stop this, I can’t let this go. I’m not experienced with this, i only messaged her because i was the only one who has seen it. This is so sad.
|
self-harm
|
i assume the person cutting is a girl but i'm not sure. i was scrolling through random hashtags about adhd because i have it. then in a post i clicked a self harming hashtag. then i saw her profile with 2 or 3 posts of her cutting herself. very new, and its been 6 days since she's first made the profile. first attempt talking: titles herself as an unwanted person. she wants help, and i saw it and i fucking had to do something. i couldn't just leave someone crying for heip. i've tried to talk to her using knowledge i've read online. she doesn't want to talk to me and replies with "idk" constantly. so i said i'll leave her and told her to think about seeking a professional. told her to remember it'll pass and some other things. so i stopped talking for 2 days. second attempt: i came back to her profile account, and saw her new posts. she was trying to talk to me through her captions accompanied by photos with more cuts. she said "if you can't help me no one can" and "help". so i messaged her/him again asking if she thought about seeking professional help yet. she wrote "about?" and "ty" and asked how old i was. she then posted on her profile page again with "i need you but you don't seem to need me :upside-down_face::water_pistol:" with more fucking cuts..probably because it took me a while to respond since i didn't see it. back to the private messages. i said i was 19. she's seen my message and hasn't responded for about 4 hours now. i then texted "do you live with your family" just recently. i need help right now. i need as much help to stop this, i can't let this go. i'm not experienced with this, i only messaged her because i was the only one who has seen it. this is so sad.
|
Everything has been a mess. I cannot keep doing this anymore. Even after 3 years of self-healing, and therapy, I cannot find peace in anything I do. Everything is tainted with bullshit. I just wanna kill myself. But I cannot find the courage to. I just need the courage to. If someone here could give me that push, that way to gather up the courage, I will forever be grateful to them.
|
self-harm
|
everything has been a mess. i cannot keep doing this anymore. even after 3 years of self-healing, and therapy, i cannot find peace in anything i do. everything is tainted with bullshit. i just wanna kill myself. but i cannot find the courage to. i just need the courage to. if someone here could give me that push, that way to gather up the courage, i will forever be grateful to them.
|
Like many of you, I am single, live alone, I have almost no social life. Social isolation is contributing to the rapid deterioration of my mental health.
I have little to no support system, and I am struggling with sobriety. I can hold it together while sober, but if I end up drinking, I will kill myself.
I still care about other people so I’m not going to disregard social distancing rules. I also understand that it is unrealistic to ask the immunocompromised to suffer on my behalf so I can get out the house.
Regardless, my isolation-induced suicide is an acceptable public health outcome... which I understand. My life isn’t that worthwhile. I’m a terminally depressed Wasteoid so why should society care? Society would be much worse of if my immunocompromised parents died than if I died anyway.
I do sometimes wonder how many suicides it will take for quarantine to have not been worth it...
Here’s to another day of not doing it
|
self-harm
|
like many of you, i am single, live alone, i have almost no social life. social isolation is contributing to the rapid deterioration of my mental health. i have little to no support system, and i am struggling with sobriety. i can hold it together while sober, but if i end up drinking, i will kill myself. i still care about other people so i'm not going to disregard social distancing rules. i also understand that it is unrealistic to ask the immunocompromised to suffer on my behalf so i can get out the house. regardless, my isolation-induced suicide is an acceptable public health outcome.. which i understand. my life isn't that worthwhile. i'm a terminally depressed wasteoid so why should society care? society would be much worse of if my immunocompromised parents died than if i died anyway. i do sometimes wonder how many suicides it will take for quarantine to have not been worth it.. here's to another day of not doing it
|
I can’t. Please. Why does God keep doing this to me. Why does it always have to end this way. I tried my hardest in this relationship and now I’m gonna be in the same place I was last year. Maybe I’m not meant to live. I think that’s how I’m supposed to go. I thought I was getting better with therapy but it’s all unraveling. Please. I need a way out. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to keep doing this. It’s too exhausting to live. Please. Just let me rest.
|
self-harm
|
i can't. please. why does god keep doing this to me. why does it always have to end this way. i tried my hardest in this relationship and now i'm gonna be in the same place i was last year. maybe i'm not meant to live. i think that's how i'm supposed to go. i thought i was getting better with therapy but it's all unraveling. please. i need a way out. i can't keep doing this. i don't want to keep doing this. it's too exhausting to live. please. just let me rest.
|
29F. Single for years because I can’t manage relationships. Lonely. Been depressed my whole adult life. Have bipolar and tend to fuck up my life in the brief periods of mania - scars, risky sex, and now a broken heel.
Non stop health problems. Endometriosis, a gut parasite leading to severe abdominal bloating non stop for the past 5 months, PCOS, acne. Have been unable to work and am just a place where money goes to die. 100% financially reliant on my dad, who uses that to control me. The only acceptable job for me in his eyes is as a lawyer. Been chipping away at the degree for 5 years and am still only halfway through.
There is no hope for me. My body is fighting against me. In some ways it is permanently broken. I don’t want children or a partner, and yet without these I can’t see the point of life. I have no career aspirations because I hate everything. I am in constant existential or physical pain. I can’t do it anymore. My life has not been like most of my peers’ lives, and I can’t connect with them because of it. I want to sink back into the earth, and float around as insouciant dust. That sounds like the only peace for me.
|
self-harm
|
29f. single for years because i can't manage relationships. lonely. been depressed my whole adult life. have bipolar and tend to fuck up my life in the brief periods of mania - scars, risky sex, and now a broken heel. non stop health problems. endometriosis, a gut parasite leading to severe abdominal bloating non stop for the past 5 months, pcos, acne. have been unable to work and am just a place where money goes to die. 100% financially reliant on my dad, who uses that to control me. the only acceptable job for me in his eyes is as a lawyer. been chipping away at the degree for 5 years and am still only halfway through. there is no hope for me. my body is fighting against me. in some ways it is permanently broken. i don't want children or a partner, and yet without these i can't see the point of life. i have no career aspirations because i hate everything. i am in constant existential or physical pain. i can't do it anymore. my life has not been like most of my peers' lives, and i can't connect with them because of it. i want to sink back into the earth, and float around as insouciant dust. that sounds like the only peace for me.
|
Hi, I'm looking for advice or encouragement to kill my self. I'm really depressed and having a real bad time living since 2010.
I want to hang my self, my plan is to go far into a forest and just do it. My plan is setup but I need the courage just to go and do it.
What do you think? Do I need alcohol to fuel the suicide will? Should I just go for it in the middle of the night when I have anxiety and panic attacks? Or should I just be Spontaneous?
Too much planing is dumb I know, I will do it somehow anyway.
|
self-harm
|
hi, i'm looking for advice or encouragement to kill my self. i'm really depressed and having a real bad time living since 2010. i want to hang my self, my plan is to go far into a forest and just do it. my plan is setup but i need the courage just to go and do it. what do you think? do i need alcohol to fuel the suicide will? should i just go for it in the middle of the night when i have anxiety and panic attacks? or should i just be spontaneous? too much planing is dumb i know, i will do it somehow anyway.
|
I took 12g of ketipinor 20min ago.
All i want say is sorry to everyone but i couldnt continue live like this.
Also im sorry to my therapist who called last week. I purposefully didnt tell you the truth. Nothing you could have done.
|
self-harm
|
i took 12g of ketipinor 20min ago. all i want say is sorry to everyone but i couldnt continue live like this. also im sorry to my therapist who called last week. i purposefully didnt tell you the truth. nothing you could have done.
|
This is my 5th or 6th bout of extreme depression, and every new one is harder than the one before. Last time, I tried to kill myself a few times and nothing worked, but I've gotten better at doing the drug calculations and I'm pretty sure they'll work if I try again. The only reason I can't right now, is because I have a dog and a cat who depend on me, and another dog who belongs to a friend, who I'm fostering (the dog, not the friend).
These are the things which are making me miserable -
1. I hate myself. I have no self worth and I cannot see myself as worth loving or being around.
2. There is a guy I like. We kinda were together for a while, but we were long distance and then we broke. We occasionally text now and even though he acts the way he should (by this, I mean, pretty indifferent), I care more than I should. And that sucks. He's the only guy I've ever thought was good for me and even though I'm fully aware of his flaws, he was good for me, and it sucks that he doesn't really care.
3. I'm a grad student. I'm in the middle of my PhD. Even though I do love my work most of the time, sometimes, it hits me that I'm not doing what I always wanted to do. And maybe I never will. And even this, I feel very mediocre. And for someone who has always been am over achiever, this kind of just jogging along without proper progress is excruciating.
4. I've always wanted to do certain other things with my life even though doing a PhD was my primary goal. I wanted to write. I wanted to do something with music. I wanted to try spoken word poetry, I wanted to do other things and somehow none of those things are working out. It's a lack of opportunity, but it's also a severe lack of motivation as of right now. It's a vicious cycle.
5. My health has become crap. I keep trying to get better, but it's hard and a lack of motivation does not help.
6. I'm financially not doing well. That's not an issue, but my stipend will end before my PhD does, and that fear of the future is terrifying to me.
7. I've lost faith in God. It's like losing a limb. It sucks.
8. I cannot seem to find anyone who I like and who likes me and wants to be with me. I speak of both friends and relationships. I'm literally alone.
9. I'm of no significance to anyone. If I died tomorrow, nobody would even notice. And that's a stupid reason to want to die, but honestly, it makes it harder to want to live.
I'm fully aware that it's depression talking. I'm fully aware that this will pass some day and I'm fully aware that my problems are not that bad. But I haven't stopped crying for the last two days and I'm not even sure I can get through any more. I'm terrified I'll end up doing something to myself and that my animals will have no place to go. But that's the only thing I care about.
|
self-harm
|
this is my 5th or 6th bout of extreme depression, and every new one is harder than the one before. last time, i tried to kill myself a few times and nothing worked, but i've gotten better at doing the drug calculations and i'm pretty sure they'll work if i try again. the only reason i can't right now, is because i have a dog and a cat who depend on me, and another dog who belongs to a friend, who i'm fostering (the dog, not the friend). these are the things which are making me miserable - 1. i hate myself. i have no self worth and i cannot see myself as worth loving or being around. 2. there is a guy i like. we kinda were together for a while, but we were long distance and then we broke. we occasionally text now and even though he acts the way he should (by this, i mean, pretty indifferent), i care more than i should. and that sucks. he's the only guy i've ever thought was good for me and even though i'm fully aware of his flaws, he was good for me, and it sucks that he doesn't really care. 3. i'm a grad student. i'm in the middle of my phd. even though i do love my work most of the time, sometimes, it hits me that i'm not doing what i always wanted to do. and maybe i never will. and even this, i feel very mediocre. and for someone who has always been am over achiever, this kind of just jogging along without proper progress is excruciating. 4. i've always wanted to do certain other things with my life even though doing a phd was my primary goal. i wanted to write. i wanted to do something with music. i wanted to try spoken word poetry, i wanted to do other things and somehow none of those things are working out. it's a lack of opportunity, but it's also a severe lack of motivation as of right now. it's a vicious cycle. 5. my health has become crap. i keep trying to get better, but it's hard and a lack of motivation does not help. 6. i'm financially not doing well. that's not an issue, but my stipend will end before my phd does, and that fear of the future is terrifying to me. 7. i've lost faith in god. it's like losing a limb. it sucks. 8. i cannot seem to find anyone who i like and who likes me and wants to be with me. i speak of both friends and relationships. i'm literally alone. 9. i'm of no significance to anyone. if i died tomorrow, nobody would even notice. and that's a stupid reason to want to die, but honestly, it makes it harder to want to live. i'm fully aware that it's depression talking. i'm fully aware that this will pass some day and i'm fully aware that my problems are not that bad. but i haven't stopped crying for the last two days and i'm not even sure i can get through any more. i'm terrified i'll end up doing something to myself and that my animals will have no place to go. but that's the only thing i care about.
|
can't take it anymore. nobody will miss me but i wrote a note. just about my entire life when 911 finds my body. im done with this world, cana't take it anymore
|
self-harm
|
can't take it anymore. nobody will miss me but i wrote a note. just about my entire life when 911 finds my body. im done with this world, cana't take it anymore
|
fuck me i was in middle of this shit out then i switched apps now i have to type it again fuck.
Why am i such a lazy peice of shit? every time i try to focus on my problems i forget them and watch some youtube cuz i gave adhd idk and idgaf.. wowww now im making excuses for me being a lazy waste of human life. im such a fucking hypocritical whiney peice of shit. i just told myself to shut the fuck up 100 times in the mirror. and now i sound like im victimizing myself... im too self aware thats why every time i cut myself i think im doing it for attention. im fucking done. i say i believe in god and then i dont listen to a single thing he tells me to do and act like he doesnt exist. i cant own up to it. because im a weak fuck. honestly i cant do anything i put my mind to anything i want because of how much of a fucking weak hypocritical loser i am. and dont say i shouldnt think that im a terrible person because i fucking am and if i dont own up to it then i will never grow up. im not gonna ignore the fact that im a weak peice of shit. no one understands me. my dads a peice of shit to my mom. my moms a peice of shit to my dad. i cant do this shit any more. i have to grow some balls and meet my maker.
|
self-harm
|
fuck me i was in middle of this shit out then i switched apps now i have to type it again fuck. why am i such a lazy peice of shit? every time i try to focus on my problems i forget them and watch some youtube cuz i gave adhd idk and idgaf.. woww now im making excuses for me being a lazy waste of human life. im such a fucking hypocritical whiney peice of shit. i just told myself to shut the fuck up 100 times in the mirror. and now i sound like im victimizing myself.. im too self aware thats why every time i cut myself i think im doing it for attention. im fucking done. i say i believe in god and then i dont listen to a single thing he tells me to do and act like he doesnt exist. i cant own up to it. because im a weak fuck. honestly i cant do anything i put my mind to anything i want because of how much of a fucking weak hypocritical loser i am. and dont say i shouldnt think that im a terrible person because i fucking am and if i dont own up to it then i will never grow up. im not gonna ignore the fact that im a weak peice of shit. no one understands me. my dads a peice of shit to my mom. my moms a peice of shit to my dad. i cant do this shit any more. i have to grow some balls and meet my maker.
|
I fucked up and i am bad at life and wish someone would make whats happening to me a situation that will just dissapear.I was depressed already and dont know how I can deal with this now.It feels like i dont have any excape and im seriously thinking of what to do and if this is the end.
|
self-harm
|
i fucked up and i am bad at life and wish someone would make whats happening to me a situation that will just dissapear.i was depressed already and dont know how i can deal with this now.it feels like i dont have any excape and im seriously thinking of what to do and if this is the end.
|
Time to make the outside fit the inside??
|
self-harm
|
time to make the outside fit the inside??
|
I’ve accepted that I’ll never have any close relationships outside my family and I’ve more or less made peace with that but sometimes the loneliness just hurts so fucking much
All the friends I have are online and while I love them a lot I just wish I had someone physically in front of me who could hold me and tell me I’m not a bad person and we could just go out and do stupid shit together and I could forget about how much I hate myself for a brief moment and it hurts so fucking much knowing that I’ll never experience that
If there’s any good from this at least once I finally kms less people will be sad
|
self-harm
|
i've accepted that i'll never have any close relationships outside my family and i've more or less made peace with that but sometimes the loneliness just hurts so fucking much all the friends i have are online and while i love them a lot i just wish i had someone physically in front of me who could hold me and tell me i'm not a bad person and we could just go out and do stupid shit together and i could forget about how much i hate myself for a brief moment and it hurts so fucking much knowing that i'll never experience that if there's any good from this at least once i finally kms less people will be sad
|
I'm too depressed to write a long suicide note.
I missed out on my teen years I never been asked out to prom nor have I been to any HS parties. (I'm going into my senior year this august) i'm almost an adult and haven't accomplished anything whatsoever.
I'm also fucking terrible at driving, I can't parallel park for the life of me.
Recently lost my job so there's that. Life can't get any worse than this.
|
self-harm
|
i'm too depressed to write a long suicide note. i missed out on my teen years i never been asked out to prom nor have i been to any hs parties. (i'm going into my senior year this august) i'm almost an adult and haven't accomplished anything whatsoever. i'm also fucking terrible at driving, i can't parallel park for the life of me. recently lost my job so there's that. life can't get any worse than this.
|
It's been four years since we split up. I think about you every day and every hour. There are days in which not a minute goes by without thinking about you. At first, I was so angry that it felt as if the world was to fall apart. Then it felt like you died in front of my eyes. I often want to tell you how my day was, but you are with someone else now. I've been replaced, repackaged and thrown away. Now, I am not angry and not even sad anymore. I feel empty. Nothing can replace you and when I get home, you're not there. Not a single hug. I cannot recall the odor of your parfum anymore, I cannot remember the spark in your eyes. The spark was long gone when we were still together. You bought a house with someone else. I know you still deeply care about me, but I don't buy anything with it. It feels like the only way I can be forever in your mind, is to kill myself. I cannot do to my family and friends what my heart tells me to do, and here I am. Stuck. I don't live anymore, the day starts and ends. I am either in pain or totally numb, and it feels like I died the day you left me. Silke, I love you more than I hate myself.
|
self-harm
|
it's been four years since we split up. i think about you every day and every hour. there are days in which not a minute goes by without thinking about you. at first, i was so angry that it felt as if the world was to fall apart. then it felt like you died in front of my eyes. i often want to tell you how my day was, but you are with someone else now. i've been replaced, repackaged and thrown away. now, i am not angry and not even sad anymore. i feel empty. nothing can replace you and when i get home, you're not there. not a single hug. i cannot recall the odor of your parfum anymore, i cannot remember the spark in your eyes. the spark was long gone when we were still together. you bought a house with someone else. i know you still deeply care about me, but i don't buy anything with it. it feels like the only way i can be forever in your mind, is to kill myself. i cannot do to my family and friends what my heart tells me to do, and here i am. stuck. i don't live anymore, the day starts and ends. i am either in pain or totally numb, and it feels like i died the day you left me. silke, i love you more than i hate myself.
|
I want to start off by saying that I love my sister and I have no animosity towards her, but her life is so perfect. She got married to a wonderful man, has a gorgeous house and a baby on the way. I've been putting on showers and events for her for the last four years and even thought I'm happy for her I cant help but feel like we are constantly celebrating her.
I just can't help but see what a contrast my life is to my sisters and it makes me feel like such a failure. Its also hard to not compare when you are always planning and shopping for her parties and such. I cant help but feel like life forgot about me. I look like such a fuck up compared to her. She is loved and perfect and I'm over here alone till I'm need for her. I feel like I don't even have my own life; I'm such a supporting character in my sisters life and only here for her. Its a shitty thing to live with
I just want to know if there's anyone out there that can share their feeling with being the black sheep of the family, even if you aren't really a black sheep in society.
|
self-harm
|
i want to start off by saying that i love my sister and i have no animosity towards her, but her life is so perfect. she got married to a wonderful man, has a gorgeous house and a baby on the way. i've been putting on showers and events for her for the last four years and even thought i'm happy for her i cant help but feel like we are constantly celebrating her. i just can't help but see what a contrast my life is to my sisters and it makes me feel like such a failure. its also hard to not compare when you are always planning and shopping for her parties and such. i cant help but feel like life forgot about me. i look like such a fuck up compared to her. she is loved and perfect and i'm over here alone till i'm need for her. i feel like i don't even have my own life; i'm such a supporting character in my sisters life and only here for her. its a shitty thing to live with i just want to know if there's anyone out there that can share their feeling with being the black sheep of the family, even if you aren't really a black sheep in society.
|
I’ve had the tools to do everything I needed to do in life, (that I didn’t because I was too weak) available to me. Now that I’m faced with the exact resources I need to commit suicide, I’m too weak to do even that. I’m stuck in a place worse than death where I’m too hopeless to live, and too cowardly to die. My story isn’t interesting, I’m sure many people would have been able to do great in my shoes, but I ruined everything ages ago. I have no talents, I have no friends, my family has given up on me, my day consists of watching anime and listening to music until 5 AM then sleeping until 3.
|
self-harm
|
i've had the tools to do everything i needed to do in life, (that i didn't because i was too weak) available to me. now that i'm faced with the exact resources i need to commit suicide, i'm too weak to do even that. i'm stuck in a place worse than death where i'm too hopeless to live, and too cowardly to die. my story isn't interesting, i'm sure many people would have been able to do great in my shoes, but i ruined everything ages ago. i have no talents, i have no friends, my family has given up on me, my day consists of watching anime and listening to music until 5 am then sleeping until 3.
|
I'm stuck in my parents' house because of quarantine, and I just realize that there's a rope in their store room and I can hang myself up anytime, especially at night because they are all asleep. I've been itching to do it since forever but I have no access to anything back then.
|
self-harm
|
i'm stuck in my parents' house because of quarantine, and i just realize that there's a rope in their store room and i can hang myself up anytime, especially at night because they are all asleep. i've been itching to do it since forever but i have no access to anything back then.
|
Realizing that I no longer really care how much my death would fuck people up. I'm just tired of living. Tired of holding up my end of the bargain and being met with nothing in return. This world is shit. Why should I keep living to make other people happy. I'm certainly not living to make myself happy. As far as I'm concerned that's not even possible. I'm pretty chicken shit so I'm not ready to kill myself yet but for the first time I no longer really care if anyone is hurt by my leaving. Honestly I find it quite selfish of people to expect me to continue suffering so they don't have to confront their fear of death. Everybody has to die some day. It's not like it matters. There no greater purpose. You can make your own but it will only ever be real in your own delusions of grandeur. Man's greatest hubris is thinking that they can create purpose. No one's legend is eternal. The sands of time wipe the slate clean eventually. Why stand defiant against them, so we can feign valor for or "rightous" fight while we sit on our deathbeds succumbing to the eventual grip of times deathly embrace. For my part I think what would be truly noble is to accept reality and go willingly into the great abyss without fear. IDK, my philosophy is dark and shitty and likely doesn't stand up to scrutiny. This turned into a rant rather suddenly. If I don't stop now I never will.
|
self-harm
|
realizing that i no longer really care how much my death would fuck people up. i'm just tired of living. tired of holding up my end of the bargain and being met with nothing in return. this world is shit. why should i keep living to make other people happy. i'm certainly not living to make myself happy. as far as i'm concerned that's not even possible. i'm pretty chicken shit so i'm not ready to kill myself yet but for the first time i no longer really care if anyone is hurt by my leaving. honestly i find it quite selfish of people to expect me to continue suffering so they don't have to confront their fear of death. everybody has to die some day. it's not like it matters. there no greater purpose. you can make your own but it will only ever be real in your own delusions of grandeur. man's greatest hubris is thinking that they can create purpose. no one's legend is eternal. the sands of time wipe the slate clean eventually. why stand defiant against them, so we can feign valor for or "rightous" fight while we sit on our deathbeds succumbing to the eventual grip of times deathly embrace. for my part i think what would be truly noble is to accept reality and go willingly into the great abyss without fear. idk, my philosophy is dark and shitty and likely doesn't stand up to scrutiny. this turned into a rant rather suddenly. if i don't stop now i never will.
|
life just keeps throwing bullshit after bullshit at me and i’m so done trying to keep up. no one cares. i can’t really explain it but even around family 24/7 i feel so alone. no one really knows me, even though i’ve tried so much. everyone either leaves or doesn’t care enough. i’m done seeking help, nobody cares until you’re gone. i just wish someone would walk up to me, hold me, tell me they care and they’ll be here for me. but no one will because everyone else is so self absorbed. i spend hours caring about other people, listening to their problems, but as soon as i need help everyone’s gone. so many other people deserve such a great life and i wish i could give them all a piece of mine and just fade away. fuck this place
|
self-harm
|
life just keeps throwing bullshit after bullshit at me and i'm so done trying to keep up. no one cares. i can't really explain it but even around family 24/7 i feel so alone. no one really knows me, even though i've tried so much. everyone either leaves or doesn't care enough. i'm done seeking help, nobody cares until you're gone. i just wish someone would walk up to me, hold me, tell me they care and they'll be here for me. but no one will because everyone else is so self absorbed. i spend hours caring about other people, listening to their problems, but as soon as i need help everyone's gone. so many other people deserve such a great life and i wish i could give them all a piece of mine and just fade away. fuck this place
|
I can't take it anymore. This entire year has been a shitshow. My business partner fucked me over before COVID was relevant, the pandemic has canceled my senior year of High School, and now I'm falling for a co-worker who I just know that I have no chance with (hell, I think she already rejected me by rejecting my follow request.). I'm an ugly and useless piece of shit who deserves to be publicly shamed, humiliated, and executed. I plan on ending it all in the near future. I'm sick of being here when everyone I come across ends up hating me. I serve no purpose in this world other than to be God's punching bag and someone who is fun to reject for no reason. There is always something going wrong in my life. I wish to be at peace and killing myself is the only way.
|
self-harm
|
i can't take it anymore. this entire year has been a shitshow. my business partner fucked me over before covid was relevant, the pandemic has canceled my senior year of high school, and now i'm falling for a co-worker who i just know that i have no chance with (hell, i think she already rejected me by rejecting my follow request.). i'm an ugly and useless piece of shit who deserves to be publicly shamed, humiliated, and executed. i plan on ending it all in the near future. i'm sick of being here when everyone i come across ends up hating me. i serve no purpose in this world other than to be god's punching bag and someone who is fun to reject for no reason. there is always something going wrong in my life. i wish to be at peace and killing myself is the only way.
|
I am a Christian k cool we will start with that.
I was abused by my father when I was 9 years old and verbally abused until 17
My father finally left when I was 17 making my mom a very very dedicated psycho catholic
The conflict that I’ve had with her because of that means I have no family relationships anymore
- furthermore both Catholic families on both father and mother side think I should go to hell since I’m Christian not catholic
I’ve been depressed since I was 10
I was bullied my whole life
Over the summer leading into my 8th grade year my best friend raped me.
I was suicidal 8th-12th grade
I had no friends and I had severe trust issues in everyone
I finally found people who helped me, and got me off the suicide train. By the time they helped me I attempted suicide at least a dozen times and contemplated it every single day. At the time I was an atheist. Those people helped me find God and life was good for a bit.
Now those same people do things they know trigger ptsd from my past. They would talk about rape in front of me to trigger me. They would say I’m talking to them for attention despite me trying to make it very abundantly clear that I was trying to find a reason to live
They do things intentionally to make me depressed or suicidal so they have entertainment during this shit show of COVID. Every-time I asked them to stop they apologized to just do it over and over again. I developed a Stockholm syndrome effect with this group because they used to be so good for me, so I allowed myself to keep crawling back to be abused over and over again.
They made me go from loving God to hating God so much that I wish I was an atheist again. I wouldn’t even call myself a Christian anymore that’s how much I hate God, the only reason I still believe is the logical argument behind it.
With no family, no friends, no religion, no anything please tell me why I should be alive? It would be so much easier to just die and either be dead or go to heaven. What’s the point in living if you legitimately have no reason to want to live. The typical response on these threads is “your X will still care about you” but I don’t have that. I have no one, literally no one everyone in my family tree that’s alive thinks I’m going to hell for renouncing Catholicism. I don’t have any friends to turn to now when I’m depressed and suicidal. There’s only one person I can think of that would care if I did off myself, but he would only care because he would have to live with the emotional burden knowing that I killed myself specifically because of him and what he’s done.
|
self-harm
|
i am a christian k cool we will start with that. i was abused by my father when i was 9 years old and verbally abused until 17 my father finally left when i was 17 making my mom a very very dedicated psycho catholic the conflict that i've had with her because of that means i have no family relationships anymore - furthermore both catholic families on both father and mother side think i should go to hell since i'm christian not catholic i've been depressed since i was 10 i was bullied my whole life over the summer leading into my 8th grade year my best friend raped me. i was suicidal 8th-12th grade i had no friends and i had severe trust issues in everyone i finally found people who helped me, and got me off the suicide train. by the time they helped me i attempted suicide at least a dozen times and contemplated it every single day. at the time i was an atheist. those people helped me find god and life was good for a bit. now those same people do things they know trigger ptsd from my past. they would talk about rape in front of me to trigger me. they would say i'm talking to them for attention despite me trying to make it very abundantly clear that i was trying to find a reason to live they do things intentionally to make me depressed or suicidal so they have entertainment during this shit show of covid. every-time i asked them to stop they apologized to just do it over and over again. i developed a stockholm syndrome effect with this group because they used to be so good for me, so i allowed myself to keep crawling back to be abused over and over again. they made me go from loving god to hating god so much that i wish i was an atheist again. i wouldn't even call myself a christian anymore that's how much i hate god, the only reason i still believe is the logical argument behind it. with no family, no friends, no religion, no anything please tell me why i should be alive? it would be so much easier to just die and either be dead or go to heaven. what's the point in living if you legitimately have no reason to want to live. the typical response on these threads is "your x will still care about you" but i don't have that. i have no one, literally no one everyone in my family tree that's alive thinks i'm going to hell for renouncing catholicism. i don't have any friends to turn to now when i'm depressed and suicidal. there's only one person i can think of that would care if i did off myself, but he would only care because he would have to live with the emotional burden knowing that i killed myself specifically because of him and what he's done.
|
i have one friend and he is in the same mind set as me. he just got out of a super toxic relationship with my ex-best friend and now ive been branded as the school slut even though im only 13. every single one of the girls in my small school of about 70 people hate me and think i stole this girls BF (my friend) and all the boys either think that i want to fuck them or that i want to fuck their friends. i have tried for almost a year to leave this behind me but it just keeps getting worse and worse. my guy friend still loves his ex so i cant say anything to him about her. i know that if i kill myself he might have a chance with her again cause even if he says its not my fault she dumped him i know it really is and if i leave it will just fix the problem. but i also know that if i do then he might kill himself because right now were the only things keeping each other alive and it gets harder and harder each day to protect him. i don't know what to do, i'm becoming more and more numb to what people say and do and i don't know how to stop it. i wont tell anyone in person but i'm scared, im scared im losing myself and i'm going to reach a point where i cant come back.
|
self-harm
|
i have one friend and he is in the same mind set as me. he just got out of a super toxic relationship with my ex-best friend and now ive been branded as the school slut even though im only 13. every single one of the girls in my small school of about 70 people hate me and think i stole this girls bf (my friend) and all the boys either think that i want to fuck them or that i want to fuck their friends. i have tried for almost a year to leave this behind me but it just keeps getting worse and worse. my guy friend still loves his ex so i cant say anything to him about her. i know that if i kill myself he might have a chance with her again cause even if he says its not my fault she dumped him i know it really is and if i leave it will just fix the problem. but i also know that if i do then he might kill himself because right now were the only things keeping each other alive and it gets harder and harder each day to protect him. i don't know what to do, i'm becoming more and more numb to what people say and do and i don't know how to stop it. i wont tell anyone in person but i'm scared, im scared im losing myself and i'm going to reach a point where i cant come back.
|
18 male and recently broke up with my girlfriend, we were dating for almost 2 years. Too some it might seem crazy how I can feel this way, but I really dont know what to do anymore.
It was going well before a couple of days,when she said she was lying about loving me like I did her. She said that she can't be with someone like me anymore, she said the she wants to be the others as well. Well I do sure understand that to some degree, I was shooked that she did not tell me earlier.
I do not wanna do anything anymore, Im feeling suicidal and hopeless of anything, I cant forget all the times we had fun and had an amazing time,and now its nothing anymore.
Does anyone have any advice how to stray away from these feelings and thoughts?
|
self-harm
|
18 male and recently broke up with my girlfriend, we were dating for almost 2 years. too some it might seem crazy how i can feel this way, but i really dont know what to do anymore. it was going well before a couple of days,when she said she was lying about loving me like i did her. she said that she can't be with someone like me anymore, she said the she wants to be the others as well. well i do sure understand that to some degree, i was shooked that she did not tell me earlier. i do not wanna do anything anymore, im feeling suicidal and hopeless of anything, i cant forget all the times we had fun and had an amazing time,and now its nothing anymore. does anyone have any advice how to stray away from these feelings and thoughts?
|
ive written a really nice suicide note and now i want to do it more. its very pretty sounding, and has quotes and things. im lowkey proud of it. ill probably be gone soon so my parents can read it and finally realize how much pain im in.
|
self-harm
|
ive written a really nice suicide note and now i want to do it more. its very pretty sounding, and has quotes and things. im lowkey proud of it. ill probably be gone soon so my parents can read it and finally realize how much pain im in.
|
Give me a reason, I don’t care if it’s selfish of me and others suffer, I don’t want to live at all. Give me a reason to stay alive
|
self-harm
|
give me a reason, i don't care if it's selfish of me and others suffer, i don't want to live at all. give me a reason to stay alive
|
I don’t enjoy video games anymore.
I don’t enjoy movies and netflix anymore
I don’t enjoy anime anymore
I don’t enjoy le funny quirky memes anymore
I don’t enjoy junk food anymore
I don’t enjoy porn anymore
I don’t enjoy this website anymore
I want to be fulfilled but I’m afraid I’ll never be. All I do is rot away in my bed alone. Like a dog who knows their time is coming so they go to a quiet and isolated place to die.
|
self-harm
|
i don't enjoy video games anymore. i don't enjoy movies and netflix anymore i don't enjoy anime anymore i don't enjoy le funny quirky memes anymore i don't enjoy junk food anymore i don't enjoy porn anymore i don't enjoy this website anymore i want to be fulfilled but i'm afraid i'll never be. all i do is rot away in my bed alone. like a dog who knows their time is coming so they go to a quiet and isolated place to die.
|
Have you ever noticed it? Like something is pressing your lungs, so they can't expand. And when you are trying to do a deep breath, you instantly exhale it back. Like your body intentionally tries to prevent you from breathing. But why it still feels that you need to breathe? Why you can't just stop, if you clearly want to? Why it needs to be so hard and painful? Why you can't just close your eyes and stop breathing, so you will peacefully go to sleep?
|
self-harm
|
have you ever noticed it? like something is pressing your lungs, so they can't expand. and when you are trying to do a deep breath, you instantly exhale it back. like your body intentionally tries to prevent you from breathing. but why it still feels that you need to breathe? why you can't just stop, if you clearly want to? why it needs to be so hard and painful? why you can't just close your eyes and stop breathing, so you will peacefully go to sleep?
|
I’m coming to Reddit as I don’t know who else to talk to.
Without going into too much detail, I forced a sexual act on my partner while she was asleep and drunk. I didn’t see it that way at the time, but the cold sober truth has hit me like a bullet - I raped the person I love most in this world.
She has experienced rape in the past, which only makes it more confusing why I did what I did. Why did I not recognise what I was doing? How could I let myself do that to her? I have no answer for these questions and the pain in her eyes has broken me.
She hasn’t left me (yet) but I have left to house for a few days with our children to visit family and give her space (her request). The more time that passes the more the weight of my actions are pressing down on me. I have made it my only goal in life for almost 10 years, to keep her safe and make her happy. In one moment I’ve then gone and broken every value I hold dear and shattered my own perception of who I am. She says she knows I never meant to do anything to hurt her and that she knows I am a good person with a kind heart. But how can that be true? I want more than anything for her to be ok, she has had such a long road to overcome her past traumas. She deserves better than me. My children deserve to have a father they can look up to. I can’t bear to see them look at me with total adoration knowing what I have done to their mother.
When we arrived at my Mothers last night I tried to hang myself with a belt in the bathroom. But I couldn’t do it. I don’t know if I want to die but I know I can’t live knowing what I’ve done. There is no way to fix it, nothing I can do to make it right. And the love and adoration of those closest to me feels like a mockery in my heart. She would be better if without me, but if I do kill myself I know that she would blame herself. And what damage would that do to my children...my world. But I just can’t live with the guilt and pain. I don’t know who I am, how I could do that. I wish I could just close my eyes and never wake up. I wish I never existed at all. But this isn’t a dream and my world is falling to pieces before my eyes. I deserve to die, but that would be selfish. I should carry the pain so that others don’t have to, but I don’t know if I can. Cutting myself doesn’t wash away my guilt no matter how much I bleed. I am on the edge of a knife and I don’t know which way I will fall. I just wish it would all go away!
|
self-harm
|
i'm coming to reddit as i don't know who else to talk to. without going into too much detail, i forced a sexual act on my partner while she was asleep and drunk. i didn't see it that way at the time, but the cold sober truth has hit me like a bullet - i raped the person i love most in this world. she has experienced rape in the past, which only makes it more confusing why i did what i did. why did i not recognise what i was doing? how could i let myself do that to her? i have no answer for these questions and the pain in her eyes has broken me. she hasn't left me (yet) but i have left to house for a few days with our children to visit family and give her space (her request). the more time that passes the more the weight of my actions are pressing down on me. i have made it my only goal in life for almost 10 years, to keep her safe and make her happy. in one moment i've then gone and broken every value i hold dear and shattered my own perception of who i am. she says she knows i never meant to do anything to hurt her and that she knows i am a good person with a kind heart. but how can that be true? i want more than anything for her to be ok, she has had such a long road to overcome her past traumas. she deserves better than me. my children deserve to have a father they can look up to. i can't bear to see them look at me with total adoration knowing what i have done to their mother. when we arrived at my mothers last night i tried to hang myself with a belt in the bathroom. but i couldn't do it. i don't know if i want to die but i know i can't live knowing what i've done. there is no way to fix it, nothing i can do to make it right. and the love and adoration of those closest to me feels like a mockery in my heart. she would be better if without me, but if i do kill myself i know that she would blame herself. and what damage would that do to my children..my world. but i just can't live with the guilt and pain. i don't know who i am, how i could do that. i wish i could just close my eyes and never wake up. i wish i never existed at all. but this isn't a dream and my world is falling to pieces before my eyes. i deserve to die, but that would be selfish. i should carry the pain so that others don't have to, but i don't know if i can. cutting myself doesn't wash away my guilt no matter how much i bleed. i am on the edge of a knife and i don't know which way i will fall. i just wish it would all go away!
|
I have a loving family and good friends. In the past, I told them about my suicidal and depressive thoughts and for the most part, they have been very supportive. I have drastically improved my grades in school and I am about to graduate community college and transfer to a 4 year school. However, the desire to kill my self still lingers in my mind.
It just feels like I’m going to throw myself off a bridge regardless of all the good things happening in my life. I feel like such a burden to everything and everyone and I really think that I’m better off dead.
|
self-harm
|
i have a loving family and good friends. in the past, i told them about my suicidal and depressive thoughts and for the most part, they have been very supportive. i have drastically improved my grades in school and i am about to graduate community college and transfer to a 4 year school. however, the desire to kill my self still lingers in my mind. it just feels like i'm going to throw myself off a bridge regardless of all the good things happening in my life. i feel like such a burden to everything and everyone and i really think that i'm better off dead.
|
I wish I was joking
|
self-harm
|
i wish i was joking
|
I want to kill myself because everything seems to go wrong. Everyone has an easier life than me, and everywhere I go, I'm being treated like garbage by other women. There is no job that I want to do, which would bring me joy. I just want to die because then, I wouldn't have to worry about this.
I live alone with my mother, and she has been abusing me consistently. My family talks shit about me or don't reach out to me at all ever since I was a kid. My father is rich, but he never gave me a cent, and I haven't seen him in 10 years. I don't have many friends left, and those who are left, they are not my real friends or have their own life. Every job I start, I'm being abused. I'd like to go to university, but I have no money, and I want to earn money, a lot of money.
My mother works in a bad place, and she has her own issues with our family and at work.
I don't know anymore. My last hope is to sell my body, as sad as it sounds. But then, I don't even want to do that. I just feel horrible. I had a bad experience with drugs months ago, and ever since then, my mind seems to go crazy, like I'm bordering on psychosis and not trying to slip from reality. Yesterday night, I couldn't fall asleep and had a paranoia attack, similar to when I was tripping.
And the ironic part is... I don't even hate other people. I would like to have many friends and enjoy life again. I would like to work in a good place and have a happy family. And I would like to travel. But no matter what I do, I feel like everything is failing, and I end up at the same miserable place. Hence why I want to take my own life finally.
|
self-harm
|
i want to kill myself because everything seems to go wrong. everyone has an easier life than me, and everywhere i go, i'm being treated like garbage by other women. there is no job that i want to do, which would bring me joy. i just want to die because then, i wouldn't have to worry about this. i live alone with my mother, and she has been abusing me consistently. my family talks shit about me or don't reach out to me at all ever since i was a kid. my father is rich, but he never gave me a cent, and i haven't seen him in 10 years. i don't have many friends left, and those who are left, they are not my real friends or have their own life. every job i start, i'm being abused. i'd like to go to university, but i have no money, and i want to earn money, a lot of money. my mother works in a bad place, and she has her own issues with our family and at work. i don't know anymore. my last hope is to sell my body, as sad as it sounds. but then, i don't even want to do that. i just feel horrible. i had a bad experience with drugs months ago, and ever since then, my mind seems to go crazy, like i'm bordering on psychosis and not trying to slip from reality. yesterday night, i couldn't fall asleep and had a paranoia attack, similar to when i was tripping. and the ironic part is.. i don't even hate other people. i would like to have many friends and enjoy life again. i would like to work in a good place and have a happy family. and i would like to travel. but no matter what i do, i feel like everything is failing, and i end up at the same miserable place. hence why i want to take my own life finally.
|
I'm turning 22 next week - i'm spending July 4th alone today and I've cried a lot today. My suicidal thoughts started when I was 12, and I get to the point sometimes now where I'm like, really? They're still happening? I get really frustrated with myself because I try to do everything "right" and the "healthy way". I try exercising. I try eating well. I have a boyfriend I've known since High school. I have friends and a sister who I care about deeply. I am a straight A student in college hoping to go into the psychology field. And yet, this whole time, almost on a near daily basis, I just wish I was dead. It is not obvious on the outside - people think i'm a funny and happy person. I make people laugh and I present myself in a positive way when I'm out. But inside, it just fucking hurts all the time.
In high school, I called the suicide hotline twice and never told anyone. It helped at the time, the woman stayed on the phone with me for an hour before announcing that she had to go. Therapy has been helpful too, but from my experience, I haven't found a foolproof "cure" to not wanting to hurt myself. I self harmed for years and never told anyone about that either, and even five years later when I no longer hurt myself, the desire to want to die is still there. I am doing things "right", but it doesn't seem to matter.
My freshman year of college I ended up in the hospital due to an illness. I was on bedrest for three months, alone in my room. I couldn't see anyone or talk to anyone. My boyfriend was several hours away at school. I was living with my parents who seemed to make issues worse. All I saw on social media was my 18 year old friends getting drunk and studying abroad. It solidified in my mind that my life was pointless.
I never tell people because I feel like when I used to express suicidal thoughts, they didn't really help me. It's fucking horrible. I've been in therapy for about three years and we talk about my past trauma a lot, but I'm always too afraid to say how hard it is for me because I feel like it's implied. I'm afraid to really be honest with anyone because people can be so judgy and mean.
I know these thoughts stems from my depression, anxiety, and PTSD as a result of an abusive childhood, but knowing the cause doesn't seem to help. All I can use to describe it is immense pain all the time. And obviously, life doesn't help. There's the stress of college, finances, love and lack of it, new trauma, and change. I hate talking to anyone because I feel like I'm constantly complaining, but I also know that I need help. Life is hard. This year alone, I went to two funerals, had to call the police on a roommate who tried to take naked pictures of me underneath my bedroom door, and lived out of suitcase in my boyfriend's room because our college was shut down because of COVID. I lost my job and what little income I had, and being inside for 5 months has increased these thoughts again because I no longer have distractions. This on top of my recurring nightmares and insomnia about my abusive parents has brought me to the point of just wanting it to stop. There is no happiness. There used to be short moments, but now there's nothing.
I guess this is just me venting. I'm so sad that I'm spending another birthday this year wishing that someone else had my life instead of me. I wish I could talk about these thoughts without everyone in my life being dismissive, mean, or weird about them. I get thrown away as a "sensitive emotional woman with mommy/daddy issues" when in reality every day I make the choice to keep living. I tell myself I do it for everyone else, but if it came down to it, I'm not sure I would keep myself alive for me. Every day is painful and I wish I could express that to the people close to me without them reacting in a way that hurts me. I wish I could talk about these things without having to make a private reddit account. And I wish I wasn't so fucking alone all the time, and I wish that other people gave a crap. I wish that after ten years I gave a crap about myself too.
|
self-harm
|
i'm turning 22 next week - i'm spending july 4th alone today and i've cried a lot today. my suicidal thoughts started when i was 12, and i get to the point sometimes now where i'm like, really? they're still happening? i get really frustrated with myself because i try to do everything "right" and the "healthy way". i try exercising. i try eating well. i have a boyfriend i've known since high school. i have friends and a sister who i care about deeply. i am a straight a student in college hoping to go into the psychology field. and yet, this whole time, almost on a near daily basis, i just wish i was dead. it is not obvious on the outside - people think i'm a funny and happy person. i make people laugh and i present myself in a positive way when i'm out. but inside, it just fucking hurts all the time. in high school, i called the suicide hotline twice and never told anyone. it helped at the time, the woman stayed on the phone with me for an hour before announcing that she had to go. therapy has been helpful too, but from my experience, i haven't found a foolproof "cure" to not wanting to hurt myself. i self harmed for years and never told anyone about that either, and even five years later when i no longer hurt myself, the desire to want to die is still there. i am doing things "right", but it doesn't seem to matter. my freshman year of college i ended up in the hospital due to an illness. i was on bedrest for three months, alone in my room. i couldn't see anyone or talk to anyone. my boyfriend was several hours away at school. i was living with my parents who seemed to make issues worse. all i saw on social media was my 18 year old friends getting drunk and studying abroad. it solidified in my mind that my life was pointless. i never tell people because i feel like when i used to express suicidal thoughts, they didn't really help me. it's fucking horrible. i've been in therapy for about three years and we talk about my past trauma a lot, but i'm always too afraid to say how hard it is for me because i feel like it's implied. i'm afraid to really be honest with anyone because people can be so judgy and mean. i know these thoughts stems from my depression, anxiety, and ptsd as a result of an abusive childhood, but knowing the cause doesn't seem to help. all i can use to describe it is immense pain all the time. and obviously, life doesn't help. there's the stress of college, finances, love and lack of it, new trauma, and change. i hate talking to anyone because i feel like i'm constantly complaining, but i also know that i need help. life is hard. this year alone, i went to two funerals, had to call the police on a roommate who tried to take naked pictures of me underneath my bedroom door, and lived out of suitcase in my boyfriend's room because our college was shut down because of covid. i lost my job and what little income i had, and being inside for 5 months has increased these thoughts again because i no longer have distractions. this on top of my recurring nightmares and insomnia about my abusive parents has brought me to the point of just wanting it to stop. there is no happiness. there used to be short moments, but now there's nothing. i guess this is just me venting. i'm so sad that i'm spending another birthday this year wishing that someone else had my life instead of me. i wish i could talk about these thoughts without everyone in my life being dismissive, mean, or weird about them. i get thrown away as a "sensitive emotional woman with mommy/daddy issues" when in reality every day i make the choice to keep living. i tell myself i do it for everyone else, but if it came down to it, i'm not sure i would keep myself alive for me. every day is painful and i wish i could express that to the people close to me without them reacting in a way that hurts me. i wish i could talk about these things without having to make a private reddit account. and i wish i wasn't so fucking alone all the time, and i wish that other people gave a crap. i wish that after ten years i gave a crap about myself too.
|
It's the logical option. I'd rather be dead than spend 90% of my day daydreaming or sleeping. Everything i want to achieve seems impossible, and even if it id possible, it won't matter anyway. Atleast death is actually something interesting. Don't give me any advice. I don't want to hear it. I'm just saying whats on my mind.
|
self-harm
|
it's the logical option. i'd rather be dead than spend 90% of my day daydreaming or sleeping. everything i want to achieve seems impossible, and even if it id possible, it won't matter anyway. atleast death is actually something interesting. don't give me any advice. i don't want to hear it. i'm just saying whats on my mind.
|
i'm useless and a waste of space but at least i finally got the courage to off myself
|
self-harm
|
i'm useless and a waste of space but at least i finally got the courage to off myself
|
I completely lost it today, like I'm struggling mentally and I can't stop crying. I pleaded with them to just give me 1 day because I'm exhausted and I need a break. They don't care so I'm done
|
self-harm
|
i completely lost it today, like i'm struggling mentally and i can't stop crying. i pleaded with them to just give me 1 day because i'm exhausted and i need a break. they don't care so i'm done
|
Listen, I've tried. Very hard. For years.
It doesn't get better. If anything it gets worse and worse.
The universe has decided to screw me over yet again.
My sister is dead, my beloved little sister, the one that came to me every time she had problems. The one that I had to go visit in the hospital every few months every time she attempted to kill herself
And now she's gone.
And I'm fucking pregnant.
Life can't possibly get any worse, but I'm not willing to stick around just to prove it.
This will be my last message. I'm sorry mom that you had to suffer this much. I though I could stick around for you.
But you will learn to live. You are strong. You are loved.
I'll always be with you.
Thank you everyone for the amazing support. This time is the last. Ignore this post and go respond to people who still have a chance. Tying my knot right now.
Okay I'm inside. It's kinda hard but I think I did it right.
If I did, goodbye.
|
self-harm
|
listen, i've tried. very hard. for years. it doesn't get better. if anything it gets worse and worse. the universe has decided to screw me over yet again. my sister is dead, my beloved little sister, the one that came to me every time she had problems. the one that i had to go visit in the hospital every few months every time she attempted to kill herself and now she's gone. and i'm fucking pregnant. life can't possibly get any worse, but i'm not willing to stick around just to prove it. this will be my last message. i'm sorry mom that you had to suffer this much. i though i could stick around for you. but you will learn to live. you are strong. you are loved. i'll always be with you. thank you everyone for the amazing support. this time is the last. ignore this post and go respond to people who still have a chance. tying my knot right now. okay i'm inside. it's kinda hard but i think i did it right. if i did, goodbye.
|
It has been a lifetime of mental illness. Treatment resistant. Meds, therapy, the lot. Add autism, add being trans, add being poor and jobless. and not having the language to talk about what I’m going through, I cannot keep going. I have spent months with only my husband’s happiness keeping me here. I can’t continue to only live for someone else’s happiness. He isn’t happy. I am a husk. I am a burden. I have drunk myself to hell and relapsed into self harm and I am not able to keep going. I simply don’t have any other options. I just can’t continue to be this empty shell. I’m very sorry.
|
self-harm
|
it has been a lifetime of mental illness. treatment resistant. meds, therapy, the lot. add autism, add being trans, add being poor and jobless. and not having the language to talk about what i'm going through, i cannot keep going. i have spent months with only my husband's happiness keeping me here. i can't continue to only live for someone else's happiness. he isn't happy. i am a husk. i am a burden. i have drunk myself to hell and relapsed into self harm and i am not able to keep going. i simply don't have any other options. i just can't continue to be this empty shell. i'm very sorry.
|
i want to bash my head
|
self-harm
|
i want to bash my head
|
I am going to drop out of university. Failed first semester, terrified me, was behind and then did nothing in the 2nd because I was scared of failure, had no interest in the course and due to corona online classes gave me even less motivation. I know it is all my fault. I am not going to even attempt the exams. The first one would be in 2 weeks and I didn't attend any classes except 2 and didn't study and I can't catch up anyways.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I have no future anymore. I will never get a job (what job even?), I have no experience and I am scared to not be able to get rid of my apartment and then where can I go? Back to my parents who will kill me? I am going home on Monday to tell them but they won't understand. I feel like the only option is to kill myself since there is no other way.
I have no idea what to do in the future, my parents won't accept any of it. They wasted money on me going to uni just to fail and I feel guilty and I don't know what to do in the future. But continuing this degree is no option either. I just don't know anymore. I am desperate. How can I make a living?
|
self-harm
|
i am going to drop out of university. failed first semester, terrified me, was behind and then did nothing in the 2nd because i was scared of failure, had no interest in the course and due to corona online classes gave me even less motivation. i know it is all my fault. i am not going to even attempt the exams. the first one would be in 2 weeks and i didn't attend any classes except 2 and didn't study and i can't catch up anyways. i don't know what to do. i feel like i have no future anymore. i will never get a job (what job even?), i have no experience and i am scared to not be able to get rid of my apartment and then where can i go? back to my parents who will kill me? i am going home on monday to tell them but they won't understand. i feel like the only option is to kill myself since there is no other way. i have no idea what to do in the future, my parents won't accept any of it. they wasted money on me going to uni just to fail and i feel guilty and i don't know what to do in the future. but continuing this degree is no option either. i just don't know anymore. i am desperate. how can i make a living?
|
I’m finally accepting that the best thing for me to do is just die. I won’t have to deal with anything anymore and everyone can just forget I ever excited and it’s a win win for everybody.
|
self-harm
|
i'm finally accepting that the best thing for me to do is just die. i won't have to deal with anything anymore and everyone can just forget i ever excited and it's a win win for everybody.
|
I’ve been fighting a war that I can’t win. Depression, suicide attempts, alcoholism, and compulsive gambling. I took a really hard look in the mirror and realized my time here is coming in an end. No one can talk me out of it this time. My first attempt was a little over two years ago (thanks to my partner at the time screaming “fucking kill yourself”) and I’m so tired of the pain and loss.
The pain of having a long term partner cheat. The pain of my best friend overdosing. The pain of losing all trust in myself. I can’t go without a day about thinking about dying.
Once I made the plans and wrote out what I need to do before I go (write letters, clean, make amendments, etc.) I finally felt peace. There’s a tremendous amount of happiness surrounding the idea that I won’t be here much longer. Happy tears. It’s a permanent solution to a permanent problem.
The addict inside me needs to be stopped. The suicide hotline hung up on me. My regular therapist that I’ve been seeing for two years is quitting his practice. My dreams have been crushed. I’m in debt. This is the final chapter- I’m done. I’ve fought too long and it’s time to give up.
I don’t want to be 25 and already have more relapses than I can count. I’m done failing. I’m done disappointing others. I’m done causing conflicts that could be easily avoidable if I was simply not me. I love everything and everyone, but I truly hate what’s in the mirror. My mind is constantly persuaded by guilt and hate. The things I do are singular, detached from anything and everyone. There’s no origin. No one’s fault but my own. Remember that.
And with this said, I say goodbye. It’s a sweet goodbye like a sunset after a long day at the beach. It needs to happen- innately natural, at least to me. I am at peace and I see happiness on the horizon. I am going to feel the love that I’ve always wanted.
|
self-harm
|
i've been fighting a war that i can't win. depression, suicide attempts, alcoholism, and compulsive gambling. i took a really hard look in the mirror and realized my time here is coming in an end. no one can talk me out of it this time. my first attempt was a little over two years ago (thanks to my partner at the time screaming "fucking kill yourself") and i'm so tired of the pain and loss. the pain of having a long term partner cheat. the pain of my best friend overdosing. the pain of losing all trust in myself. i can't go without a day about thinking about dying. once i made the plans and wrote out what i need to do before i go (write letters, clean, make amendments, etc.) i finally felt peace. there's a tremendous amount of happiness surrounding the idea that i won't be here much longer. happy tears. it's a permanent solution to a permanent problem. the addict inside me needs to be stopped. the suicide hotline hung up on me. my regular therapist that i've been seeing for two years is quitting his practice. my dreams have been crushed. i'm in debt. this is the final chapter- i'm done. i've fought too long and it's time to give up. i don't want to be 25 and already have more relapses than i can count. i'm done failing. i'm done disappointing others. i'm done causing conflicts that could be easily avoidable if i was simply not me. i love everything and everyone, but i truly hate what's in the mirror. my mind is constantly persuaded by guilt and hate. the things i do are singular, detached from anything and everyone. there's no origin. no one's fault but my own. remember that. and with this said, i say goodbye. it's a sweet goodbye like a sunset after a long day at the beach. it needs to happen- innately natural, at least to me. i am at peace and i see happiness on the horizon. i am going to feel the love that i've always wanted.
|
I attempted suicide and now stuck on bed cause my leg fractured. I didnt feel grateful surviving it cause the after math is painful.
Can someone help me please?
|
self-harm
|
i attempted suicide and now stuck on bed cause my leg fractured. i didnt feel grateful surviving it cause the after math is painful. can someone help me please?
|
HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HOW THE FUCK DID I END UP HERE AND HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS
|
self-harm
|
help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me how the fuck did i end up here and how do i get out of this
|
I’m going to be home alone today, and part of me - actually most of me - knows that it’s a terrible idea because I have many methods of ending myself in this house, and I’m the only one who knows that. But I try to think of the things I have that can stop me from doing it. Then I remember that the things I have are so far out of my reach or so far away for me to contact, that I can’t. In the common sense of the term, I’m alone in my own space with awful, intrusive thoughts and access to many lethal weapons. A chemical. A knife. A substitute of a rope. Bedsheets. Bathtub. Banister.
I’ve stopped taking my meds and I’m tired of waiting for death. I’m sick and I know it. My physicality is getting worse. My mentality is declining to its lowest brink. My last resort is to tell someone who lives close enough to save me, but nobody that cares about me lives close enough. To die, alone, freezing because of the air conditioner, in pain, depressed, and feeling as if I deserved it.
It’s fine.
I’m okay with this, now.
I deserve it, so it’s okay.
I’ve done horrible, irredeemable things. I am unfit for dating or love, everyone I love ends up afraid of me. I’m unfit for friends, I’ve lost so many because of my broken mental health. My stress has hit its very peak. The stress of thinking of all of the people I’ve hurt because of my actions.
The people I would still have to this day if I could have simply gotten the help that I needed.
I won’t say that I am sorry, for I’ve said it too much for it to do anything for me or anyone else I’ve hurt. Such a numbing phrase. “I’m sorry”.
I’m not.
If I really were, then I wouldn’t hurt people as easily as I do.
But I do, and now where has that gotten me.
I’m tired of living, and I want this to be the end of me.
|
self-harm
|
i'm going to be home alone today, and part of me - actually most of me - knows that it's a terrible idea because i have many methods of ending myself in this house, and i'm the only one who knows that. but i try to think of the things i have that can stop me from doing it. then i remember that the things i have are so far out of my reach or so far away for me to contact, that i can't. in the common sense of the term, i'm alone in my own space with awful, intrusive thoughts and access to many lethal weapons. a chemical. a knife. a substitute of a rope. bedsheets. bathtub. banister. i've stopped taking my meds and i'm tired of waiting for death. i'm sick and i know it. my physicality is getting worse. my mentality is declining to its lowest brink. my last resort is to tell someone who lives close enough to save me, but nobody that cares about me lives close enough. to die, alone, freezing because of the air conditioner, in pain, depressed, and feeling as if i deserved it. it's fine. i'm okay with this, now. i deserve it, so it's okay. i've done horrible, irredeemable things. i am unfit for dating or love, everyone i love ends up afraid of me. i'm unfit for friends, i've lost so many because of my broken mental health. my stress has hit its very peak. the stress of thinking of all of the people i've hurt because of my actions. the people i would still have to this day if i could have simply gotten the help that i needed. i won't say that i am sorry, for i've said it too much for it to do anything for me or anyone else i've hurt. such a numbing phrase. "i'm sorry". i'm not. if i really were, then i wouldn't hurt people as easily as i do. but i do, and now where has that gotten me. i'm tired of living, and i want this to be the end of me.
|
I decided im not gonna kill myself. but im gonna feel all this pain in life so i'm more prepared for when i burn in hell. Thats what life is. hell. Lmao why tf was I religious, thats the dumbest thing i've done in my whole life. What a joke life. I so badly want to kill myself though. All the damn time i'm wanting to just fucking off myself in horrible painful ways. Its such a strong damn urge, so i do wonder how long i will really last. I hope hell is real.
|
self-harm
|
i decided im not gonna kill myself. but im gonna feel all this pain in life so i'm more prepared for when i burn in hell. thats what life is. hell. lmao why tf was i religious, thats the dumbest thing i've done in my whole life. what a joke life. i so badly want to kill myself though. all the damn time i'm wanting to just fucking off myself in horrible painful ways. its such a strong damn urge, so i do wonder how long i will really last. i hope hell is real.
|
This is my second post on this sub. I keep trying to be a better boyfriend but even though my girlfriend tells me I am a great boyfriend I feel like a waste of space. I have my next therapy appointment in 4 weeks but I don’t know how I’m gonna make it that long. I hate everything about myself. So if I can’t even love myself why should anyone else. I despise waking up in the morning just so I have to look at myself in the mirror and be reminded of the waste of oxygen that lies before me. I just want a break from life and the longest break I can think of is death. I want to feel something anything.
|
self-harm
|
this is my second post on this sub. i keep trying to be a better boyfriend but even though my girlfriend tells me i am a great boyfriend i feel like a waste of space. i have my next therapy appointment in 4 weeks but i don't know how i'm gonna make it that long. i hate everything about myself. so if i can't even love myself why should anyone else. i despise waking up in the morning just so i have to look at myself in the mirror and be reminded of the waste of oxygen that lies before me. i just want a break from life and the longest break i can think of is death. i want to feel something anything.
|
paramedics are gonna have a laugh at that when they find my dead body next week
|
self-harm
|
paramedics are gonna have a laugh at that when they find my dead body next week
|
Please can someone have some sort of answer for me. I have tried again and again to end my life but for some reason I'm so fucking bad at it. I don't understand why it won't work. Is it my unconscious self stopping myself because me consciously right now wants to be dead? I have genuinely tried. Genuinely. Like really genuinely. Wrote the note, cried my fucking eyes out and tried to do it. I've tried to cut my wrists but I couldn't get it deep enough or in the right place. I've tried to to strangle myself again and again. I've even tried to hang myself but it just won't work. Why? I am so tired. Both physically and mentally. Good people die every day. People who want to live life and have dreams and here I am. Who wants to die but can't seem to die. I want to end my life. So why won't it work?
|
self-harm
|
please can someone have some sort of answer for me. i have tried again and again to end my life but for some reason i'm so fucking bad at it. i don't understand why it won't work. is it my unconscious self stopping myself because me consciously right now wants to be dead? i have genuinely tried. genuinely. like really genuinely. wrote the note, cried my fucking eyes out and tried to do it. i've tried to cut my wrists but i couldn't get it deep enough or in the right place. i've tried to to strangle myself again and again. i've even tried to hang myself but it just won't work. why? i am so tired. both physically and mentally. good people die every day. people who want to live life and have dreams and here i am. who wants to die but can't seem to die. i want to end my life. so why won't it work?
|
Iv been depressed for many years on and off. Past few months it wont leave, i have lost my partner in the most brutal way, lost my family my kids and everything i have. I am a shell of my former self.
I have come to the realisation that i will never be happy. I will never have the family and the love i have always craved. I keep questioning why others have people who love them and stay together for life while i get brutally fucked over by the people i love the most.
I cant take it anymore. I am alone, and will be alone forever.
My friends are not really that close, my parents have never liked me or made effort and the woman i loved for so long and gave everything i had to wouldnt care if i lived or died (she actually said this).
I find no joy or happiness in anything any more. I dont feel any love or kindness from anyone. This world has chewed me up and spat me out more than once. I have been knocked time an time again. I kept getting back up like they tell you too but not this time.
Im circling the drain of death, if i didnt have 3 children who would be hurt by my passing i would of already gone.
Last ditch attempt of counseling and medication. Im thinking of setting a date. Say 6 months from now. I know time is a healer and i will feel better in time. However if things havnt drastically improved within 6 months i think its time.
Anyone else ever set a end state timer?
|
self-harm
|
iv been depressed for many years on and off. past few months it wont leave, i have lost my partner in the most brutal way, lost my family my kids and everything i have. i am a shell of my former self. i have come to the realisation that i will never be happy. i will never have the family and the love i have always craved. i keep questioning why others have people who love them and stay together for life while i get brutally fucked over by the people i love the most. i cant take it anymore. i am alone, and will be alone forever. my friends are not really that close, my parents have never liked me or made effort and the woman i loved for so long and gave everything i had to wouldnt care if i lived or died (she actually said this). i find no joy or happiness in anything any more. i dont feel any love or kindness from anyone. this world has chewed me up and spat me out more than once. i have been knocked time an time again. i kept getting back up like they tell you too but not this time. im circling the drain of death, if i didnt have 3 children who would be hurt by my passing i would of already gone. last ditch attempt of counseling and medication. im thinking of setting a date. say 6 months from now. i know time is a healer and i will feel better in time. however if things havnt drastically improved within 6 months i think its time. anyone else ever set a end state timer?
|
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and just recently i started understanding the suicidal tendencies that can take over him. This is something new to me as i’ve never dealt with anything like this before. He explained to me that this runs in his families mental health, and it worries me that he can cut himself and want to die occasionally when times get tough. I just want to make him feel that i am here for him, and to get through this together with him because he deserves that. Any advice as to what i can say/do to show my support and that im here through everything??
|
self-harm
|
my boyfriend and i have been together for a year and a half, and just recently i started understanding the suicidal tendencies that can take over him. this is something new to me as i've never dealt with anything like this before. he explained to me that this runs in his families mental health, and it worries me that he can cut himself and want to die occasionally when times get tough. i just want to make him feel that i am here for him, and to get through this together with him because he deserves that. any advice as to what i can say/do to show my support and that im here through everything??
|
I'm going to kill myself in less than an hour. I used to cry my eyes out at my misery. But now I feel nothing, because I know I'm going to die. It's almost like a sense of relief. I used to be so scared of upsetting my parents, but I don't even care anymore. Part of me feels like I should be remorseful, but there's nothing. I just wanna die. It's the only way out.
|
self-harm
|
i'm going to kill myself in less than an hour. i used to cry my eyes out at my misery. but now i feel nothing, because i know i'm going to die. it's almost like a sense of relief. i used to be so scared of upsetting my parents, but i don't even care anymore. part of me feels like i should be remorseful, but there's nothing. i just wanna die. it's the only way out.
|
I just don't think I can do this anymore. I'm sorry I've failed everyone. I just can't keep fighting anymore. I've lost. I'm such a horrible, horrible person. I just wanna end it so nobody will have to be cursed with my presence any longer.
No matter what I do, I'll always be at death's door. I don't think I'll ever change. Because I am weak-minded and not courageous enough to get better. So I'll just do the next best thing. I'll end my life. Nobody cares about me anyway, they'll only care about me after I'm dead. So I'll give them what they want.
|
self-harm
|
i just don't think i can do this anymore. i'm sorry i've failed everyone. i just can't keep fighting anymore. i've lost. i'm such a horrible, horrible person. i just wanna end it so nobody will have to be cursed with my presence any longer. no matter what i do, i'll always be at death's door. i don't think i'll ever change. because i am weak-minded and not courageous enough to get better. so i'll just do the next best thing. i'll end my life. nobody cares about me anyway, they'll only care about me after i'm dead. so i'll give them what they want.
|
Mental health is not a battle to be won, it's a journey to continue walking. Be kind to your mind and let yourself feel. [Your feelings are always valid](https://preview.redd.it/b0vm2wvxgt851.gif?format=mp4&s=719d61023dd69c93d6cf6758b55ba2b72032c4c8), regardless of what other people think. Don't feel sorry for being too vulnerable, too broken, too anything. **The last thing we need in the midst of a crisis is the shame of being human.**
Give yourself time to unplug and regroup without feeling guilty. You are allowed to set boundaries for yourself. **It's okay to feel unstable, to dissociate, to hide from the world, and to ask for help.** Your mental illness is not a personal failure.
Remember, this too shall pass. You'll get through the hardest days you didn't know you could recover from. **And if all you ever did today was hold yourself together, then I'm proud of you.** You should be, too.
***"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day. Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet. It'll get better. Until then, have a day."***
|
self-harm
|
mental health is not a battle to be won, it's a journey to continue walking. be kind to your mind and let yourself feel. [your feelings are always valid]( regardless of what other people think. don't feel sorry for being too vulnerable, too broken, too anything. **the last thing we need in the midst of a crisis is the shame of being human.** give yourself time to unplug and regroup without feeling guilty. you are allowed to set boundaries for yourself. **it's okay to feel unstable, to dissociate, to hide from the world, and to ask for help.** your mental illness is not a personal failure. remember, this too shall pass. you'll get through the hardest days you didn't know you could recover from. **and if all you ever did today was hold yourself together, then i'm proud of you.** you should be, too. **"i know you're sad, so i won't tell you to have a good day. instead, i advise you to simply have a day. stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet. it'll get better. until then, have a day."**
|
I'm tired of the constant pain of feeling insecure about myself, my constant self doubt, about my appearance im tired of being ugly and not being attractive enough to date girls, (especially the ones I have major crushes I know are out of my league) and having no love or affection ever in my life from a has shot my self-esteem down majorly it has made me cry constantly it has made me think I'm not good enough or have the skill to get dates. I'm tired of not being good enough for others or apperciated. I'm tired of not having been anywhere or have done anything like have sex and stuff by my age. I just want my pain to stop. I'm tired of looking around me and seeing people in happy relationships in real life and especially online losing for pictures and shit happy as fuck.. tired of feeling so angry for being my self and why I am here and I hate having social anxiety around women I hate my life for the way I am. I don't want to really be here anymore I'm losing my drive to live because of it. When have never experienced intimacy with a SO ever it really effects your mental state to no end. I have just accepted I probably won't have a SO and maybe get married but oh well I and die alone well if that is the case then at least I can say I'm not relying on anybody in my life and I can be independent and proud because at least I know there aren't very many people that are independent 85-90% of them are already in relationships...smh I can't live in this agony anymore nobody understands it which just makes me even more mad..I'm just a shitty person and I'm not cool enough because I also don't have many friends that can care or do even care..if I were dead they would give a rats ass about it..maybe this is pity but it really hurts me..my life is worthless as fuck and it's only becoming closer to being pushed off the edge..I'M TIRED AND MISERABLE! 😠😭😭
|
self-harm
|
i'm tired of the constant pain of feeling insecure about myself, my constant self doubt, about my appearance im tired of being ugly and not being attractive enough to date girls, (especially the ones i have major crushes i know are out of my league) and having no love or affection ever in my life from a has shot my self-esteem down majorly it has made me cry constantly it has made me think i'm not good enough or have the skill to get dates. i'm tired of not being good enough for others or apperciated. i'm tired of not having been anywhere or have done anything like have sex and stuff by my age. i just want my pain to stop. i'm tired of looking around me and seeing people in happy relationships in real life and especially online losing for pictures and shit happy as fuck.. tired of feeling so angry for being my self and why i am here and i hate having social anxiety around women i hate my life for the way i am. i don't want to really be here anymore i'm losing my drive to live because of it. when have never experienced intimacy with a so ever it really effects your mental state to no end. i have just accepted i probably won't have a so and maybe get married but oh well i and die alone well if that is the case then at least i can say i'm not relying on anybody in my life and i can be independent and proud because at least i know there aren't very many people that are independent 85-90% of them are already in relationships..smh i can't live in this agony anymore nobody understands it which just makes me even more mad..i'm just a shitty person and i'm not cool enough because i also don't have many friends that can care or do even care..if i were dead they would give a rats ass about it..maybe this is pity but it really hurts me..my life is worthless as fuck and it's only becoming closer to being pushed off the edge..i'm tired and miserable! :angry_face::loudly_crying_face::loudly_crying_face:
|
I didn't think that was possible. I already had a suicide plan and was determined to go through with it. The last days of my life had a certain freedom to it, I wanted to live my life with my friend and savor these last moments. My birthday is coming up in a few days, turning 19. And yet, I can't see myself enjoying myself at all anymore. I can't listen to music anymore, which was really my only closure. I used to love prog and jazz and fusion and all these different talented artists. But now I can't even fathom how I'm supposed to even go through with my plans, which involve renting a place. My parents aren't good, they aren't bad either. But however they may be they don't deserve to see their child lying dead in his room. I just wonder if I'm gonna even have the will to kill myself anymore. that sounds good on paper, but I guess it's only a matter of time before I muster the last of my strength to talk to people and get shit done. This is no way to live, and it's no way to die either. I feel like I'm in purgatory. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do about this.
|
self-harm
|
i didn't think that was possible. i already had a suicide plan and was determined to go through with it. the last days of my life had a certain freedom to it, i wanted to live my life with my friend and savor these last moments. my birthday is coming up in a few days, turning 19. and yet, i can't see myself enjoying myself at all anymore. i can't listen to music anymore, which was really my only closure. i used to love prog and jazz and fusion and all these different talented artists. but now i can't even fathom how i'm supposed to even go through with my plans, which involve renting a place. my parents aren't good, they aren't bad either. but however they may be they don't deserve to see their child lying dead in his room. i just wonder if i'm gonna even have the will to kill myself anymore. that sounds good on paper, but i guess it's only a matter of time before i muster the last of my strength to talk to people and get shit done. this is no way to live, and it's no way to die either. i feel like i'm in purgatory. i don't know what the fuck i'm supposed to do about this.
|
last night was horrible. i couldnt sleep. the only thing i thought about was suicide and even then i was very happy, just thinking about it. happier than normal people and i got this tingly sensation in my stomach. im fucking confused what is wrong with me??
i dont think ill be here much longer at this rate
|
self-harm
|
last night was horrible. i couldnt sleep. the only thing i thought about was suicide and even then i was very happy, just thinking about it. happier than normal people and i got this tingly sensation in my stomach. im fucking confused what is wrong with me?? i dont think ill be here much longer at this rate
|
Alright, so one of my friends (still a minor) has told me about his depression and anxiety and sometimes he gets huge mental breakdowns/panic attacks where he starts venting. For now, all I have done is regularly talked to him about his depression and tried to calm him down during these breakdowns.
He has also told me that he has not told his parents about his depression out of fear of them worrying. He has also mentioned how his depression isn't even that big (even if it is very clear that it is) and that he wouldn't want to take the spot of someone who needs it more.
It has come to a point where I feel like I NEED to tell his parents about this. His parents need to know and they need to get him to a professional as soon as possible, wether he likes it or not.
​
I need some advice.
Do I "betray" his trust and tell his parents? Or do I try and continue what I have been doing so far?
|
self-harm
|
alright, so one of my friends (still a minor) has told me about his depression and anxiety and sometimes he gets huge mental breakdowns/panic attacks where he starts venting. for now, all i have done is regularly talked to him about his depression and tried to calm him down during these breakdowns. he has also told me that he has not told his parents about his depression out of fear of them worrying. he has also mentioned how his depression isn't even that big (even if it is very clear that it is) and that he wouldn't want to take the spot of someone who needs it more. it has come to a point where i feel like i need to tell his parents about this. his parents need to know and they need to get him to a professional as soon as possible, wether he likes it or not. i need some advice. do i "betray" his trust and tell his parents? or do i try and continue what i have been doing so far?
|
So much so that I have an unbelievable urge to mutilate myself bit by bit, especially my genitalia because I am repulsed by the idea of sexual reproduction.
I don’t like humans. I don’t give a flying fuck how edgy that sounds because it’s genuinely eating me up.
I don’t know if I want to die, free myself of this human body, or to just never have existed.
|
self-harm
|
so much so that i have an unbelievable urge to mutilate myself bit by bit, especially my genitalia because i am repulsed by the idea of sexual reproduction. i don't like humans. i don't give a flying fuck how edgy that sounds because it's genuinely eating me up. i don't know if i want to die, free myself of this human body, or to just never have existed.
|
Not really a suicidal post, but i definitely don't know where to go from here.
I will do it at some point, haven't really thought out when yet.
​
without further ado the explanation as to why;
​
I feel like everything, has come to the worst definitive outcome of my life.
And somehow i wished for it to happen at one point but then, when i mostly needed everything came true?
​
The pent of feelings i had as a teenager;
​
I wished for my father to die, because i was so stuck up with him.
I wished to never fall in love, because i didn't deserve it.
I wished to be damned, like a religion, because of the way i was treated around with my friends.
​
For a while i thought; these were just the feelings i had as a child since i was naive.
Since my father, did love me.
He was in fact the only person who cared so deeply.
And i can only see that now.
​
I falled in love; with a girl over the summer after my father died.
Then i got cheated on, and the worst part she never acknowledged it.
Knowing i could handle it, as i was open for her having open relationships.
​
All these 2; came into my own damnation like a religion, my friends came to believe my side of the story.
But also due to that, they never saw me as the same thing anymore.
​
Every day seems like a struggle; and i do smile, i do laugh.
But deep inside; i'm crying.
​
I refused to give up before, and i'm still doing that, i just don't know for how long.
Till i finally collapse.
​
To top this whole story off, i hate racism.
I loathe people who hate one another just because of a color,race or what other people did.
​
​
And with that said, my mom got a new boyfriend who, is exactly like that.
He works in a prison, but he hates and loathes about race so so much.
I can't listen to him; and yet i do.
Because i can't cause drama/i won't.
It's because i also hate drama.
I don't like it, neither does me writing this whole story like what i just wrote.
But, sometimes you just have to, write your own feelings out.
​
I want to move out,
Away from all this.
​
But i know this project will take another 2 years before i finally move out of the house.
​
Then is the question then what, what do i do when i moved out.
​
Maybe that will resolve itself,
I just hope it doesn't involve in me; going into spirals again.
That's just the scary part off it all.
|
self-harm
|
not really a suicidal post, but i definitely don't know where to go from here. i will do it at some point, haven't really thought out when yet. without further ado the explanation as to why; i feel like everything, has come to the worst definitive outcome of my life. and somehow i wished for it to happen at one point but then, when i mostly needed everything came true? the pent of feelings i had as a teenager; i wished for my father to die, because i was so stuck up with him. i wished to never fall in love, because i didn't deserve it. i wished to be damned, like a religion, because of the way i was treated around with my friends. for a while i thought; these were just the feelings i had as a child since i was naive. since my father, did love me. he was in fact the only person who cared so deeply. and i can only see that now. i falled in love; with a girl over the summer after my father died. then i got cheated on, and the worst part she never acknowledged it. knowing i could handle it, as i was open for her having open relationships. all these 2; came into my own damnation like a religion, my friends came to believe my side of the story. but also due to that, they never saw me as the same thing anymore. every day seems like a struggle; and i do smile, i do laugh. but deep inside; i'm crying. i refused to give up before, and i'm still doing that, i just don't know for how long. till i finally collapse. to top this whole story off, i hate racism. i loathe people who hate one another just because of a color,race or what other people did. and with that said, my mom got a new boyfriend who, is exactly like that. he works in a prison, but he hates and loathes about race so so much. i can't listen to him; and yet i do. because i can't cause drama/i won't. it's because i also hate drama. i don't like it, neither does me writing this whole story like what i just wrote. but, sometimes you just have to, write your own feelings out. i want to move out, away from all this. but i know this project will take another 2 years before i finally move out of the house. then is the question then what, what do i do when i moved out. maybe that will resolve itself, i just hope it doesn't involve in me; going into spirals again. that's just the scary part off it all.
|
This feeling of indifference towards everything in life is growing bigger and becoming more justifiable each day and I just don’t want to do this anymore.
I tried to end it all 3 years ago but it backfired and got me into loads of troubles with my family.. If only it worked.. I wish I had the courage to find a way to end it, no matter how brutal, just get it done with for good.
I have been distant from my close friends for a couple of years now, they’re busy with their lives and I’m busy with mine and I can’t find anyone to vent to.
|
self-harm
|
this feeling of indifference towards everything in life is growing bigger and becoming more justifiable each day and i just don't want to do this anymore. i tried to end it all 3 years ago but it backfired and got me into loads of troubles with my family.. if only it worked.. i wish i had the courage to find a way to end it, no matter how brutal, just get it done with for good. i have been distant from my close friends for a couple of years now, they're busy with their lives and i'm busy with mine and i can't find anyone to vent to.
|
My plan is to buy 2, connect them and then attach a tube to one. I'll put the tube into a plastic bag and tie the bag to my head.
I heard that co2 is the only gas that makes you panic that you can't breathe. Helium just knocks you out. And then you just breathe till you die of no air.
|
self-harm
|
my plan is to buy 2, connect them and then attach a tube to one. i'll put the tube into a plastic bag and tie the bag to my head. i heard that co2 is the only gas that makes you panic that you can't breathe. helium just knocks you out. and then you just breathe till you die of no air.
|
It was already looking friendly when the world started going to hell but with the fact my mom and I are gonna be evicted from our house at the end of the month. We have no money or time to pack up, find a place and move into a new place (especially with trying to find a temporary place for our birds to stay until we get settled) and ya know... We're in the middle of a damn pandemic and my mom is in the category of high risk for covid.
Before anyone asks our landlord waited until our states restrictions on evictions was lifted (which was on the first) before hitting us with the eviction notice.
After I went through the rapid wave if emotions, crying my eyes out and just laying in bed for several hours straight, my brain just emotionally shut down. For the last few years I've been just chugging along, clinging to hope that things will at least stay stable and I could focus on my goals of being an artist. But now I feel nothing. I spent time with bf and I just faked a smile to seem fine but I just couldn't bring myself to find happiness which I know isn't fair to him.
Mom and I have been through a lot of shit and have scrapped by by the skin of our teeth but I just don't see how we can possibly pull through this.
I've been contemplating swallowing all of my pills, taking enough meletonin to put myself to sleep and hope I just go in my sleep. I know the chances of success are slim but better then my other plan which is stop drinking and eating or to just yeet myself off the overpass.
Am I selfish and a coward for wanting to die, yes but I'm just tired of fighting against the world only to get pushed down and spit on. I know mom will be devastated as will my friends and other loved ones (mom especially since my older sister passed away a couple years ago) but hopefully they'll understand that I'm weak and just can't keep going anymore just to be a burden on them.
I know some are going to see this as a me wanting to be convinced to live but honestly I mostly wrote this for catharsis (if that's the right word) and to hold myself accountable if I chicken out.
Thanks for reading.
|
self-harm
|
it was already looking friendly when the world started going to hell but with the fact my mom and i are gonna be evicted from our house at the end of the month. we have no money or time to pack up, find a place and move into a new place (especially with trying to find a temporary place for our birds to stay until we get settled) and ya know.. we're in the middle of a damn pandemic and my mom is in the category of high risk for covid. before anyone asks our landlord waited until our states restrictions on evictions was lifted (which was on the first) before hitting us with the eviction notice. after i went through the rapid wave if emotions, crying my eyes out and just laying in bed for several hours straight, my brain just emotionally shut down. for the last few years i've been just chugging along, clinging to hope that things will at least stay stable and i could focus on my goals of being an artist. but now i feel nothing. i spent time with bf and i just faked a smile to seem fine but i just couldn't bring myself to find happiness which i know isn't fair to him. mom and i have been through a lot of shit and have scrapped by by the skin of our teeth but i just don't see how we can possibly pull through this. i've been contemplating swallowing all of my pills, taking enough meletonin to put myself to sleep and hope i just go in my sleep. i know the chances of success are slim but better then my other plan which is stop drinking and eating or to just yeet myself off the overpass. am i selfish and a coward for wanting to die, yes but i'm just tired of fighting against the world only to get pushed down and spit on. i know mom will be devastated as will my friends and other loved ones (mom especially since my older sister passed away a couple years ago) but hopefully they'll understand that i'm weak and just can't keep going anymore just to be a burden on them. i know some are going to see this as a me wanting to be convinced to live but honestly i mostly wrote this for catharsis (if that's the right word) and to hold myself accountable if i chicken out. thanks for reading.
|
I saw a starter pack about a "narcissistic mother" and now I feel the pressure to lose all of my weight, get plastic surgery and wear revealing clothes by 25 so I don't fit into the stereotype after 25.
I want to be the friendly 40 year old who doesn't care about looks and has tons of beautiful pictures of their youth to show people, not the vain narcissistic excuse for a human who still wears smaller sizes and shows her arms and has long hair because she was huge and ugly in her youth and wants to make up for it.
I just want to be a UK size 4-6, wear very little clothing and get surgery before it is too late and I am no longer considered a human for caring about my looks. Time is ticking and if I don't look decent NOW, I'll have the choice between turning into a vain narcissistic subhuman freak or a fat old ugly person with no memories of their youth to share.
|
self-harm
|
i saw a starter pack about a "narcissistic mother" and now i feel the pressure to lose all of my weight, get plastic surgery and wear revealing clothes by 25 so i don't fit into the stereotype after 25. i want to be the friendly 40 year old who doesn't care about looks and has tons of beautiful pictures of their youth to show people, not the vain narcissistic excuse for a human who still wears smaller sizes and shows her arms and has long hair because she was huge and ugly in her youth and wants to make up for it. i just want to be a uk size 4-6, wear very little clothing and get surgery before it is too late and i am no longer considered a human for caring about my looks. time is ticking and if i don't look decent now, i'll have the choice between turning into a vain narcissistic subhuman freak or a fat old ugly person with no memories of their youth to share.
|
Currently sitting outside on my balcony, in one of the Chairs.
Probably about a 15 foot drop onto my patio, if I climb up onto one of the railings. Considering taking a head dive off right now.
I was talking with my therapist yesterday about how I’ve been feeling. He wants me to go back to the hospital but I hate going. I find it a waste of time tbh.
I’ve been texting crisis lines on and off for the last few days in addition to checking in with my therapist.
Also been using a lot of coping skills and distraction to try and take my mind of suicide.
Any advice on what I should maybe do would be appreciated. I know that I should call someone right now for help, but I honestly don’t have the guts.
|
self-harm
|
currently sitting outside on my balcony, in one of the chairs. probably about a 15 foot drop onto my patio, if i climb up onto one of the railings. considering taking a head dive off right now. i was talking with my therapist yesterday about how i've been feeling. he wants me to go back to the hospital but i hate going. i find it a waste of time tbh. i've been texting crisis lines on and off for the last few days in addition to checking in with my therapist. also been using a lot of coping skills and distraction to try and take my mind of suicide. any advice on what i should maybe do would be appreciated. i know that i should call someone right now for help, but i honestly don't have the guts.
|
My wife of thirteen years kicked me out and whats a divorce. I lost everything and am now living in trash room across town. I can inly see our children when she allows me to. She told me I disgust her. I have dealt with depression for years and have been trying everything to change but she wont try. I have dreams/ nightmares every night. Her and my kids were the only happiness I had in life. I cant see pife without her and she tells me Im being selfish. I just want the pain to stop. I am utterly alone everyday after I get off work. Everything is dull. Is it selfish to not want to wake up? Ive been doing this for three months and it hasnt gotten any better.
|
self-harm
|
my wife of thirteen years kicked me out and whats a divorce. i lost everything and am now living in trash room across town. i can inly see our children when she allows me to. she told me i disgust her. i have dealt with depression for years and have been trying everything to change but she wont try. i have dreams/ nightmares every night. her and my kids were the only happiness i had in life. i cant see pife without her and she tells me im being selfish. i just want the pain to stop. i am utterly alone everyday after i get off work. everything is dull. is it selfish to not want to wake up? ive been doing this for three months and it hasnt gotten any better.
|
My whole life I think has been tracking toward suicide. It’s like there’s never been any escape. People told me it was going to get better. I didn’t believe them. But I always loved the scientific method - prove yourself right by trying and not being able to yourself wrong.
I had nothing to lose, I took big risks and fought like hell.
I’m on medications now that I swore I’d never take, and guess what? My depression appears to be treatment resistant.
The gave me adderall and it keeps me awake - I plotted out all the things I’d have to do to get my life back on track and it’s more than I can get done in the next few months.
That’s not even counting work (which I have to do), free time, things I wanted to accomplish, etc.
Anyway, I’m convinced it’s hopeless. There appears to be no reasonable escape.
In the next two months I can go get TMS, I can get EMDR, I can stay on my medications, but after all that then what?
My job environment sucks, my dream career has been derailed, the girl I loved left and I don’t want anything else. I don’t even want to get better. My therapist struggled to be polite when I said I didn’t want to be happy. How am I going to achieve anything in therapy if there’s nothing I want to improve?
I liked who I was, I liked how strong and smart I became dealing with impossible situations. But I’m miserable. Nothing will remove the lifetime of bad experiences I’ve had.
Anyway, it’s like I’ve had greater things things and opportunities than I’ll have again in my lifetime. For sure. And I’m not sure I’d keep fighting for anything anymore. I miss the girl who left me. Period. As I get older I realize there are fewer and fewer people I’d like to spend my time with. And if my seemingly great relationship with her ended, then either I’m a fool or a loser.
I just really have nothing to look forward to. I have tried so much already. I don’t want to change myself bc myself has been forged through crucibles of trauma and I like who I became. I like myself. But I am miserable. I am done with it. It’s clear to me I don’t have enough control over things. I don’t have enough energy. My health is failing. Everyone has left me. I’m done living a life of misery.
|
self-harm
|
my whole life i think has been tracking toward suicide. it's like there's never been any escape. people told me it was going to get better. i didn't believe them. but i always loved the scientific method - prove yourself right by trying and not being able to yourself wrong. i had nothing to lose, i took big risks and fought like hell. i'm on medications now that i swore i'd never take, and guess what? my depression appears to be treatment resistant. the gave me adderall and it keeps me awake - i plotted out all the things i'd have to do to get my life back on track and it's more than i can get done in the next few months. that's not even counting work (which i have to do), free time, things i wanted to accomplish, etc. anyway, i'm convinced it's hopeless. there appears to be no reasonable escape. in the next two months i can go get tms, i can get emdr, i can stay on my medications, but after all that then what? my job environment sucks, my dream career has been derailed, the girl i loved left and i don't want anything else. i don't even want to get better. my therapist struggled to be polite when i said i didn't want to be happy. how am i going to achieve anything in therapy if there's nothing i want to improve? i liked who i was, i liked how strong and smart i became dealing with impossible situations. but i'm miserable. nothing will remove the lifetime of bad experiences i've had. anyway, it's like i've had greater things things and opportunities than i'll have again in my lifetime. for sure. and i'm not sure i'd keep fighting for anything anymore. i miss the girl who left me. period. as i get older i realize there are fewer and fewer people i'd like to spend my time with. and if my seemingly great relationship with her ended, then either i'm a fool or a loser. i just really have nothing to look forward to. i have tried so much already. i don't want to change myself bc myself has been forged through crucibles of trauma and i like who i became. i like myself. but i am miserable. i am done with it. it's clear to me i don't have enough control over things. i don't have enough energy. my health is failing. everyone has left me. i'm done living a life of misery.
|
Cold and dead.
|
self-harm
|
cold and dead.
|
I want to start a petition so I can be granted assisted suicide. I live in New South Wales Australia where it is not legal, however it is legal in Victoria. But you have to have lived there for 12 months and I don't have 12 more months in me, and it also has to be for a terminal illness. Anyone reckon a petition is a good start? Would anyone here sign it? I've tried to kill myself 5 times already this year not to mention every other year since I was 15, now nearly 25.
|
self-harm
|
i want to start a petition so i can be granted assisted suicide. i live in new south wales australia where it is not legal, however it is legal in victoria. but you have to have lived there for 12 months and i don't have 12 more months in me, and it also has to be for a terminal illness. anyone reckon a petition is a good start? would anyone here sign it? i've tried to kill myself 5 times already this year not to mention every other year since i was 15, now nearly 25.
|
Im sick and tired of everything.I am suffering everyday and today i just woke up and started crying.Im in a huge mess and i dont know how to get out and i want to end everything tonight.
Im sorry i wish i was stronger really .Im in a situation without escape.If anyone wants to talk i will stay here for about an hour.
|
self-harm
|
im sick and tired of everything.i am suffering everyday and today i just woke up and started crying.im in a huge mess and i dont know how to get out and i want to end everything tonight. im sorry i wish i was stronger really .im in a situation without escape.if anyone wants to talk i will stay here for about an hour.
|
I feel this huge weight on my body that makes me unable to do activities and hobbies. I can’t be bothered to do anything. All I do is lay in bed.
|
self-harm
|
i feel this huge weight on my body that makes me unable to do activities and hobbies. i can't be bothered to do anything. all i do is lay in bed.
|
I'm not trying to get anyone's attention. I'm basically talking to myself at this point. But maybe I want more friends as I'll be dead in a month... That's selfish huh? I shouldnr ask anyone to attach to me when I'll be dead soon.
Why am I even bothering to write this?? Maybe I feel less lonely when I do so.. I'm sorry.
I wake up everyday wishing I sleep more... I wait for the day to end so I can sleep more.
I've lost all my ambitions and I'm emotionless. I still care about my loved ones and friends but I'm not strong enough to keep going.
I'm trying to get the courage to end my life. I want to end my life next month. How? I still don't know.
I'd like a painless method but such is impossible.
God! I hate myself so much... I just want to leave.
|
self-harm
|
i'm not trying to get anyone's attention. i'm basically talking to myself at this point. but maybe i want more friends as i'll be dead in a month.. that's selfish huh? i shouldnr ask anyone to attach to me when i'll be dead soon. why am i even bothering to write this?? maybe i feel less lonely when i do so.. i'm sorry. i wake up everyday wishing i sleep more.. i wait for the day to end so i can sleep more. i've lost all my ambitions and i'm emotionless. i still care about my loved ones and friends but i'm not strong enough to keep going. i'm trying to get the courage to end my life. i want to end my life next month. how? i still don't know. i'd like a painless method but such is impossible. god! i hate myself so much.. i just want to leave.
|
As the tittle said, I tried to kill myself yesterday. I took a handful of all the pills I had in my room, and took them all.
I was woken up by my parents later that evening, and rushed to A&E; and now I’m here, unsure what to do.
I regret it completely- seeing the effect it had in the people around me, I am lost for words. It’s not that I didn’t think they would care, I just didn’t realise the effect it would have.
The issue is, what do I do now. My girlfriend downs t know what to do, my parents are out of their depth, and I am just as confused as I was 24hours ago.
|
self-harm
|
as the tittle said, i tried to kill myself yesterday. i took a handful of all the pills i had in my room, and took them all. i was woken up by my parents later that evening, and rushed to a&e; and now i'm here, unsure what to do. i regret it completely- seeing the effect it had in the people around me, i am lost for words. it's not that i didn't think they would care, i just didn't realise the effect it would have. the issue is, what do i do now. my girlfriend downs t know what to do, my parents are out of their depth, and i am just as confused as i was 24hours ago.
|
I'm 24, moved to nyc (my favorite place in the world) in the best neighborhood and have the most fascinating roommate. I'm healthy, somewhat intelligent, have a sought after degree, make a decent salary, and basically have the foundation and means necessary to have a great life and work towards an incredible life.
Only problem is that I hate myself and have no energy or will to do anything. I dislike nearly everything about myself from the way I look - the way I speak - the way I work - the way I interact with people. There was a time where I was outgoing, tried really hard in school and with my hobbies, and actively made an effort - but i'm the completely opposite now.
I don't have many good friends because I alienate myself and believe if someone is being friendly and wants to hang out with me - they're either just doing it as a charity or they'll just be disappointed and find out i'm not who they thought i was. I never speak up because I think everything I say is dumb or just not worth saying, I don't find myself interesting at all, and I always immediately assume I'm the least valuable person in a room and am automatically below everyone. I'm very lonely and hold myself back in every single way. I overthink and criticize EVERYTHING I do and any decision I make. I just want to feel and think normally, and not be so in my head. I know life has it's ups and downs and i've had a positive outlook through it all but i'm absolutely exhausted now even though my life is just getting started.
I've tried to make efforts to better myself and at least somewhat like myself by speaking to a doctor - was diagnosed with ADHD and Depression and have been taking mediation for about a year - but there's not much improvement. I work out and try to push myself to gain new experiences but feel so awkward in my own skin and mind. I even feel awkward talking to my doctor (who is absolutely wonderful btw) but always hold back and don't mention how I feel suicidal on a weekly basis, that I genuinely don't like myself, that i'm miserable, and hide all that by talking about my frustrations with my work ethic and motivation.
I'm in my 20s and want to take FULL advantage of this time in myself, but it's so difficult to when I feel cemented to my bed and wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.
Often times I truly believe I'm not cut out for life and would be better suited as an observer and watch others make the best of their lives instead of me. What would I be like when I'm older? Apparently I'm great at my job but feel like I'm terrible at it and have no motivation to improve even when my mind is yelling at me to, so how could I handle being promoted and move up when I feel too dumb to manage people or command a room or feel confident in my work? How could I be in a relationship when I believe a man of high-value would be absolutely insane to even like me enough to commit to me? How could I make life-long friends when I alienate everyone? How can I take care of children or even a pet when I'm too exhausted to take care of myself? Etc. etc.
Anybody else in a similar position?
|
self-harm
|
i'm 24, moved to nyc (my favorite place in the world) in the best neighborhood and have the most fascinating roommate. i'm healthy, somewhat intelligent, have a sought after degree, make a decent salary, and basically have the foundation and means necessary to have a great life and work towards an incredible life. only problem is that i hate myself and have no energy or will to do anything. i dislike nearly everything about myself from the way i look - the way i speak - the way i work - the way i interact with people. there was a time where i was outgoing, tried really hard in school and with my hobbies, and actively made an effort - but i'm the completely opposite now. i don't have many good friends because i alienate myself and believe if someone is being friendly and wants to hang out with me - they're either just doing it as a charity or they'll just be disappointed and find out i'm not who they thought i was. i never speak up because i think everything i say is dumb or just not worth saying, i don't find myself interesting at all, and i always immediately assume i'm the least valuable person in a room and am automatically below everyone. i'm very lonely and hold myself back in every single way. i overthink and criticize everything i do and any decision i make. i just want to feel and think normally, and not be so in my head. i know life has it's ups and downs and i've had a positive outlook through it all but i'm absolutely exhausted now even though my life is just getting started. i've tried to make efforts to better myself and at least somewhat like myself by speaking to a doctor - was diagnosed with adhd and depression and have been taking mediation for about a year - but there's not much improvement. i work out and try to push myself to gain new experiences but feel so awkward in my own skin and mind. i even feel awkward talking to my doctor (who is absolutely wonderful btw) but always hold back and don't mention how i feel suicidal on a weekly basis, that i genuinely don't like myself, that i'm miserable, and hide all that by talking about my frustrations with my work ethic and motivation. i'm in my 20s and want to take full advantage of this time in myself, but it's so difficult to when i feel cemented to my bed and wish i could go to sleep and never wake up. often times i truly believe i'm not cut out for life and would be better suited as an observer and watch others make the best of their lives instead of me. what would i be like when i'm older? apparently i'm great at my job but feel like i'm terrible at it and have no motivation to improve even when my mind is yelling at me to, so how could i handle being promoted and move up when i feel too dumb to manage people or command a room or feel confident in my work? how could i be in a relationship when i believe a man of high-value would be absolutely insane to even like me enough to commit to me? how could i make life-long friends when i alienate everyone? how can i take care of children or even a pet when i'm too exhausted to take care of myself? etc. etc. anybody else in a similar position?
|
What's left to say? Just fucking kill me.
|
self-harm
|
what's left to say? just fucking kill me.
|
There is no motivation to do anything productive when I feel like I’m just going to end it all and then I get more depressed when I am behind in class.
|
self-harm
|
there is no motivation to do anything productive when i feel like i'm just going to end it all and then i get more depressed when i am behind in class.
|
I wish I found someone to be my partner to die. But, next month is closing near. I’m from the US and hope to find one. It’s not that great to do it alone, but I’m here alone. I wish I do, but if next month comes and no one comes along, I will end it alone.
|
self-harm
|
i wish i found someone to be my partner to die. but, next month is closing near. i'm from the us and hope to find one. it's not that great to do it alone, but i'm here alone. i wish i do, but if next month comes and no one comes along, i will end it alone.
|
A part of me often hopes that I'll get some incurable illness or be involved in some accident where I'll die quickly. Then I'd be able to finally escape this pain and not have to feel guilty about deliberately killing myself. I know that if I killed myself it would devastate my mother and sister; if I died through no choice of my own then it would be a lesser blow to them.
I sometimes fantasize about getting a diagnosis of terminal cancer or something, so that I will finally be at peace.
|
self-harm
|
a part of me often hopes that i'll get some incurable illness or be involved in some accident where i'll die quickly. then i'd be able to finally escape this pain and not have to feel guilty about deliberately killing myself. i know that if i killed myself it would devastate my mother and sister; if i died through no choice of my own then it would be a lesser blow to them. i sometimes fantasize about getting a diagnosis of terminal cancer or something, so that i will finally be at peace.
|
dude I can't and I know I'll be ranting I'm so tired so ABSOLUTELY tired of everything that's going on.
I have to get into a fucking college right? well guess what I am getting into ABSOLUTELY nothing , and even if I get into something I'll be learning something I don't care for.
Ambitions , right? I had one. I wanted to be a fucking lawyer but my parents wouldn't allow that would they?
No I have to do something in sciences.
and now I can't I just fucking can't
I am so tired I can't find a point in anything
what's the fucking point
what's the FUCKING point
I don't know if I will make it through the night , all I feel is hopeless all I feel is anger and guilt and I don't even know
I wish life was easier and everyday didn't feel like navigating a fucjign labyrinth balancing myself between not angering my parents and doing what I like I can't live like this anymore im living someone else's life I can't do this man
I can't fucking do this.
|
self-harm
|
dude i can't and i know i'll be ranting i'm so tired so absolutely tired of everything that's going on. i have to get into a fucking college right? well guess what i am getting into absolutely nothing , and even if i get into something i'll be learning something i don't care for. ambitions , right? i had one. i wanted to be a fucking lawyer but my parents wouldn't allow that would they? no i have to do something in sciences. and now i can't i just fucking can't i am so tired i can't find a point in anything what's the fucking point what's the fucking point i don't know if i will make it through the night , all i feel is hopeless all i feel is anger and guilt and i don't even know i wish life was easier and everyday didn't feel like navigating a fucjign labyrinth balancing myself between not angering my parents and doing what i like i can't live like this anymore im living someone else's life i can't do this man i can't fucking do this.
|
Why don't I just kill myself? I get ignored anyway so it won't be am issue. Nobody cares about me now so who will care when I'm dead. Exactly, no one.
|
self-harm
|
why don't i just kill myself? i get ignored anyway so it won't be am issue. nobody cares about me now so who will care when i'm dead. exactly, no one.
|
Thinking of eating a 1oz 12 gauge slug.
28k in debt.
No job due to Covid-19. Also quit a career job 7 year years ago to be a full time care giver for my parents who died in 2017/2019 from COPD and Throat cancer.
No unemployment, health/dental insurance.
No savings.
28K in student loan debt... I have paid 40K. Still only growing with Income Based Repayments. I pay 20 a month and gain 166 a month in interest.
I have no children, no pets, and no debt outside student loans.
I am blind in one eye, and have other health problems, none qualify for any kind of Government help.
Eating a 1oz slug seems to be the answer.
I have no family left, no money, no hope.
Gonna buy a 2k boat.
Travel East as far as I can on the Atlantic.
Put myself in Davey Jone's locker with a sunken boat and a few 1 oz slugs from a 12 gauge.
|
self-harm
|
thinking of eating a 1oz 12 gauge slug. 28k in debt. no job due to covid-19. also quit a career job 7 year years ago to be a full time care giver for my parents who died in 2017/2019 from copd and throat cancer. no unemployment, health/dental insurance. no savings. 28k in student loan debt.. i have paid 40k. still only growing with income based repayments. i pay 20 a month and gain 166 a month in interest. i have no children, no pets, and no debt outside student loans. i am blind in one eye, and have other health problems, none qualify for any kind of government help. eating a 1oz slug seems to be the answer. i have no family left, no money, no hope. gonna buy a 2k boat. travel east as far as i can on the atlantic. put myself in davey jone's locker with a sunken boat and a few 1 oz slugs from a 12 gauge.
|
Does anyone else just feel like your life is slowly crumbling ? Like one day you’re on top of the world and can do anything, but the next you’re at rock bottom and don’t even want to turn on the lights. Well that’s exactly how I feel, so much pain inside that it feels like darkness is just enclosing on me. Like if I were to just get a knife and stop breathing, all of it would end.
|
self-harm
|
does anyone else just feel like your life is slowly crumbling ? like one day you're on top of the world and can do anything, but the next you're at rock bottom and don't even want to turn on the lights. well that's exactly how i feel, so much pain inside that it feels like darkness is just enclosing on me. like if i were to just get a knife and stop breathing, all of it would end.
|
I am 17, I've been diagnosed with OCD, MDD, and SAD.
I am fucking tired, no one gives a fuck about what I am going thru, especially my dad, I've seen 2 psychiatrist, one I stopped seeing for some reasons, and the 2nd one just misdiagnosed me at first then give me antipsychotics that made my symptoms and gave me bad side effects like hallucinating, luckily I stopped immediately cold turkey, but it was followed by a week of hell.
After that my dad have came to a conclusion that no one will gonna treat me and that every doctors out there is the same and it's up to me to help myself, I've tried, I did fucking tried, I meditate 2x a day, exposed myself, exercise all this kind of shit but my mind is keep fucking with me, maybe my chemicals and neurons are not normal out there, and need some serious rewiring. My mom understands my pain but she can't fucking do anything because she has no money and my dad has our family's possession.
My anxiety and depression took away everything from me, my passion, my friends, my social life, my love at learning things, and my happiness overall, and my personality and sense of self. I am tired, I feel hopeless, I am trying everything I can do but it's not enough, been bullied by people whole my childhood, been abused mentally and emotionally for 2 years by my own relatives, living in a third world country where I am an outcast, and my dad is neglecting us, man fuck you life give me a fucking break, I think life is not meant for me, I used to love learning and love life itself, but now, I became a depressed, boring, loner, and maybe a loser that no one gives a shit about. I think suicide is the only option, I don't know man. The fuck is the purpose of life if you can't feel pleasure or rarely feel emotion besides sadness, emptiness, and anxiety. Fuck this shit man.
|
self-harm
|
i am 17, i've been diagnosed with ocd, mdd, and sad. i am fucking tired, no one gives a fuck about what i am going thru, especially my dad, i've seen 2 psychiatrist, one i stopped seeing for some reasons, and the 2nd one just misdiagnosed me at first then give me antipsychotics that made my symptoms and gave me bad side effects like hallucinating, luckily i stopped immediately cold turkey, but it was followed by a week of hell. after that my dad have came to a conclusion that no one will gonna treat me and that every doctors out there is the same and it's up to me to help myself, i've tried, i did fucking tried, i meditate 2x a day, exposed myself, exercise all this kind of shit but my mind is keep fucking with me, maybe my chemicals and neurons are not normal out there, and need some serious rewiring. my mom understands my pain but she can't fucking do anything because she has no money and my dad has our family's possession. my anxiety and depression took away everything from me, my passion, my friends, my social life, my love at learning things, and my happiness overall, and my personality and sense of self. i am tired, i feel hopeless, i am trying everything i can do but it's not enough, been bullied by people whole my childhood, been abused mentally and emotionally for 2 years by my own relatives, living in a third world country where i am an outcast, and my dad is neglecting us, man fuck you life give me a fucking break, i think life is not meant for me, i used to love learning and love life itself, but now, i became a depressed, boring, loner, and maybe a loser that no one gives a shit about. i think suicide is the only option, i don't know man. the fuck is the purpose of life if you can't feel pleasure or rarely feel emotion besides sadness, emptiness, and anxiety. fuck this shit man.
|
I just tried to buy razors with the intent of slitting my wrists some time this month, forgetting that you have to have be 18+ to do so. I have non at home that would be even remotely sharp enough. So now I'm sitting outside the store feeling like an idiot having failed an attempt before even attempting. If I can't even fucking do that right then how can I expect myself do to anything else right.
|
self-harm
|
i just tried to buy razors with the intent of slitting my wrists some time this month, forgetting that you have to have be 18+ to do so. i have non at home that would be even remotely sharp enough. so now i'm sitting outside the store feeling like an idiot having failed an attempt before even attempting. if i can't even fucking do that right then how can i expect myself do to anything else right.
|
24 male. I'm not sure what I'm feeling I've never gotten help and only recently opened up to a friend about how I have been feeling and what I have been thinking the past 5 or so years.
I've struggled the past couple of years working towards a trade I dont really want, dealing with the fact I have 0 relationship experience and kinda just wanting to isolate myself and just play on my PC at home after work. I'm also afraid to go for a walk outside my house or in my local town in case of being seen by old friends or people I used to know because I feel embarrassed/full of shame/guilt/anxious.
I'm the eldest and have to set an example in my family and I absolutely love my younger siblings/parents and our dog.
But I just cant shake the feeling that I'm just going to keep struggling on for however much longer before I most likely end it all myself.
Been on lexapro for 2.5 years and all it has done has suppressed my feelings just so I can get through a days work. It mutes my mind of the depressive thoughts but in return I'm a lifeless zombie.
I've no motivation or drive to get better.. for what ?
|
self-harm
|
24 male. i'm not sure what i'm feeling i've never gotten help and only recently opened up to a friend about how i have been feeling and what i have been thinking the past 5 or so years. i've struggled the past couple of years working towards a trade i dont really want, dealing with the fact i have 0 relationship experience and kinda just wanting to isolate myself and just play on my pc at home after work. i'm also afraid to go for a walk outside my house or in my local town in case of being seen by old friends or people i used to know because i feel embarrassed/full of shame/guilt/anxious. i'm the eldest and have to set an example in my family and i absolutely love my younger siblings/parents and our dog. but i just cant shake the feeling that i'm just going to keep struggling on for however much longer before i most likely end it all myself. been on lexapro for 2.5 years and all it has done has suppressed my feelings just so i can get through a days work. it mutes my mind of the depressive thoughts but in return i'm a lifeless zombie. i've no motivation or drive to get better.. for what ?
|
And take advantage of me and gave me PTSD
I’m suicidal because of them
Fuck my life
|
self-harm
|
and take advantage of me and gave me ptsd i'm suicidal because of them fuck my life
|
I will kill myself tonight. I thought I could wait but I cant.
This loneliness is eating me up
I cannot get friends, I cannot get love, I won't get better
I should end my life while I still can
Goodbye
|
self-harm
|
i will kill myself tonight. i thought i could wait but i cant. this loneliness is eating me up i cannot get friends, i cannot get love, i won't get better i should end my life while i still can goodbye
|
I'm technically still enrolled as a uni student, but i haven't gone to uni nor did my final research for the last 6 months. Rn i'm just at home doing anything i can to 'have fun' at home. I was born a loner anyway so i don't get even more depressed by staying at home and becoming anti-social. (I have been ignoring my friends & other ppl's messages). I ran out of things to do so why not write this anyway. I'm going to rant A HELL LOT so it's going to be a long long story. Again, because writing this takes a lot of time, and i need to kill a lot of time. Here's the TL;DR. Anyway it's just a rant as a replacement for not being able to open up to anyone. Maybe it can be an interesting story for those needing inspiration or smth. It's a little step for feeling a little better, so why not. Not that i'll stop being a NEET.
**TL;DR:** I was doing great at uni but out of nowhere i became depressed. Struggled and struggled for 2+ years, tried almost everything, but my depression only got worse. Seriously attempted suicide without getting caught/leave marks. Wanted to tried a better method but then quarantine came. Afraid of getting caught, now i'm a NEET. After becoming much calmer as a NEET, decided to wait for myself to die naturally or wait 1-2 years until i can't take it anymore and kill myself. Already given up on recovering / getting on with life, it'll only get me even more depressed and i'll kill myself earlier. Why did i became depressed? It's probably a multi-factorial thing + some genetics. I'm just out of luck. I'm not going back.
\-------
**Edit**: ha, i don't want anyone i know recognize me from my 'highly specific' rant so i deleted the long long rant. leaving only the afterthought behind. still, it felt good writing them down, killed lots of time... no i didn't cried writing this lol. Here it is:
(after struggling & struggling, cancelled my suicide plan)... So then i opted for the second best option, becoming a NEET.
I felt a big relieve, honestly. I was happy because i didn't cried for days straight. Only cried a little once a week or two. Of course this is not the perfect solution. I did everything i could to distract myself, to enjoy my 'new life'. Well, things to do are running out. No matter how i run away from it, a depressed person will always lose interest at anything eventually. I honestly thought it was better for me to become a game/anime/porn addict. tried to become one, but of course i failed. So what i'm going to do is to wait for the time to either die naturally or for the depression to catch up to me to the point of suicide. I guess the later will come first in 1-2 years. these 6 months already feels like more than a year.
I am NOT going to try therapy & to get going again. I'm sick of the medication, it only made me worse and gave me bad tremors. Although i can look for another psychiatrist, i honestly don't want to struggle anymore. Struggling makes me very tired emotionally, and that will worsen my depression. I'm not going to try opening up to anyone either, i'm tired of trying to do that. i will explain this a little more below. In one word, i don't want to cry and struggle anymore. If there'll be a time i want to give up so bad, i want to just give up and be done with it. Time will tell wether i'll really give up or not, but the time is not now. well again, if i don't give up i'll probably stay as a NEET and die as one.
Oh, did i mention that i choke myself? Cutting is a no-no for me. It leaves scars, a big red flag. Not that i didn't tried, but i don't like the pain/sensation either way. Before i find choking myself the best, i hit my head to the floor.
For those who are curious on what causing my problems here, i already thought a decent hypothesis. I suspect that my mom had a depression in her mid 20s-30s, so my problem could be partly genetics. I mentioned that i tried so hard to open up myself to a friend/family, but i just can't. Looking back, there's always a wall that i keep up even with my trusted friends. I'm everybody's friend but never someone's best best friend. I always put a mask, wether i want to or not. And in all honesty, i don't really care about them either even if they died. Yes, that probably applies for my parents too. So i just happen to have a bad personality. Me being busy at uni was not helping my condition either. Although it was my choice, i didn't know i was depressed so tough luck for me. I once checked for thyroid hormones but they came back normal so that's not the answer. My period is always regular so it's not gonodal hormones / cyst either. Brain tumour? haha either that or that the combination of bad genetics, bad personalities, and unlucky circumstances is what has driven me crazy. Depression is like cancer, you know? it's multifactorial, caused by god knows how many possible mechanisms.
One regret i have is that i didn't get to finish my studies before breaking down like this. I thought i could at least get to submit my thesis and be done with it for the rest of my life. Didn't even plan to attend the graduation. I wanted to get out from society without any 'debts' left, a clean cut. People just gradually forgot about me because i have nothing to do with them again and so are they. Well, that didn't happen, shōganai. can't be helped. I'm not going back.
|
self-harm
|
i'm technically still enrolled as a uni student, but i haven't gone to uni nor did my final research for the last 6 months. rn i'm just at home doing anything i can to 'have fun' at home. i was born a loner anyway so i don't get even more depressed by staying at home and becoming anti-social. (i have been ignoring my friends & other ppl's messages). i ran out of things to do so why not write this anyway. i'm going to rant a hell lot so it's going to be a long long story. again, because writing this takes a lot of time, and i need to kill a lot of time. here's the tl;dr. anyway it's just a rant as a replacement for not being able to open up to anyone. maybe it can be an interesting story for those needing inspiration or smth. it's a little step for feeling a little better, so why not. not that i'll stop being a neet. **tl;dr:** i was doing great at uni but out of nowhere i became depressed. struggled and struggled for 2+ years, tried almost everything, but my depression only got worse. seriously attempted suicide without getting caught/leave marks. wanted to tried a better method but then quarantine came. afraid of getting caught, now i'm a neet. after becoming much calmer as a neet, decided to wait for myself to die naturally or wait 1-2 years until i can't take it anymore and kill myself. already given up on recovering / getting on with life, it'll only get me even more depressed and i'll kill myself earlier. why did i became depressed? it's probably a multi-factorial thing + some genetics. i'm just out of luck. i'm not going back. \-- **edit**: ha, i don't want anyone i know recognize me from my 'highly specific' rant so i deleted the long long rant. leaving only the afterthought behind. still, it felt good writing them down, killed lots of time.. no i didn't cried writing this lol. here it is: (after struggling & struggling, cancelled my suicide plan).. so then i opted for the second best option, becoming a neet. i felt a big relieve, honestly. i was happy because i didn't cried for days straight. only cried a little once a week or two. of course this is not the perfect solution. i did everything i could to distract myself, to enjoy my 'new life'. well, things to do are running out. no matter how i run away from it, a depressed person will always lose interest at anything eventually. i honestly thought it was better for me to become a game/anime/porn addict. tried to become one, but of course i failed. so what i'm going to do is to wait for the time to either die naturally or for the depression to catch up to me to the point of suicide. i guess the later will come first in 1-2 years. these 6 months already feels like more than a year. i am not going to try therapy & to get going again. i'm sick of the medication, it only made me worse and gave me bad tremors. although i can look for another psychiatrist, i honestly don't want to struggle anymore. struggling makes me very tired emotionally, and that will worsen my depression. i'm not going to try opening up to anyone either, i'm tired of trying to do that. i will explain this a little more below. in one word, i don't want to cry and struggle anymore. if there'll be a time i want to give up so bad, i want to just give up and be done with it. time will tell wether i'll really give up or not, but the time is not now. well again, if i don't give up i'll probably stay as a neet and die as one. oh, did i mention that i choke myself? cutting is a no-no for me. it leaves scars, a big red flag. not that i didn't tried, but i don't like the pain/sensation either way. before i find choking myself the best, i hit my head to the floor. for those who are curious on what causing my problems here, i already thought a decent hypothesis. i suspect that my mom had a depression in her mid 20s-30s, so my problem could be partly genetics. i mentioned that i tried so hard to open up myself to a friend/family, but i just can't. looking back, there's always a wall that i keep up even with my trusted friends. i'm everybody's friend but never someone's best best friend. i always put a mask, wether i want to or not. and in all honesty, i don't really care about them either even if they died. yes, that probably applies for my parents too. so i just happen to have a bad personality. me being busy at uni was not helping my condition either. although it was my choice, i didn't know i was depressed so tough luck for me. i once checked for thyroid hormones but they came back normal so that's not the answer. my period is always regular so it's not gonodal hormones / cyst either. brain tumour? haha either that or that the combination of bad genetics, bad personalities, and unlucky circumstances is what has driven me crazy. depression is like cancer, you know? it's multifactorial, caused by god knows how many possible mechanisms. one regret i have is that i didn't get to finish my studies before breaking down like this. i thought i could at least get to submit my thesis and be done with it for the rest of my life. didn't even plan to attend the graduation. i wanted to get out from society without any 'debts' left, a clean cut. people just gradually forgot about me because i have nothing to do with them again and so are they. well, that didn't happen, shoganai. can't be helped. i'm not going back.
|
I have been feeling bad, seeing how the persons who I considered my friends do not care about me, do not text me, just look for me when they need something from me, that is breaking me out. Nobody has talked to me for 4 days, and it may seem like a few time, but is an eternity. Actually, I wanted to talk with anybody, but I have a headache so having this phone in front of my eyes hurt as much as this loneliness.
|
self-harm
|
i have been feeling bad, seeing how the persons who i considered my friends do not care about me, do not text me, just look for me when they need something from me, that is breaking me out. nobody has talked to me for 4 days, and it may seem like a few time, but is an eternity. actually, i wanted to talk with anybody, but i have a headache so having this phone in front of my eyes hurt as much as this loneliness.
|
And no, none of you count. No offense but, you know what I mean.
But the loneliness is on both sides of the issue, I can't keep burdening people with this shit every damn day. They don't feel the weight every day. They think they hear me once and we should be good, that's how it works in their brain so it must work the same way in mine?
No, the weight tumbles down the hill again every damn day. And nobody wants to stick around for it. Again and again. Not even me.
|
self-harm
|
and no, none of you count. no offense but, you know what i mean. but the loneliness is on both sides of the issue, i can't keep burdening people with this shit every damn day. they don't feel the weight every day. they think they hear me once and we should be good, that's how it works in their brain so it must work the same way in mine? no, the weight tumbles down the hill again every damn day. and nobody wants to stick around for it. again and again. not even me.
|
I can’t stop crying. I dread this time of night everyday because it’s when I feel the worst and get all the horrible thoughts :(
|
self-harm
|
i can't stop crying. i dread this time of night everyday because it's when i feel the worst and get all the horrible thoughts :(
|
For the past few days I’ve been visualizing my death and what happens after and somehow it gives me a sense of peace and happiness. Visualizing everyone going on with their life happy
|
self-harm
|
for the past few days i've been visualizing my death and what happens after and somehow it gives me a sense of peace and happiness. visualizing everyone going on with their life happy
|
I've pretty much all my friends, I'm scared that my mum will kick me out of the house because I am bi and she constantly switches her mood so I don't know what to think of her anymore and I just wish I could change my race because of racist bullies I hope they go kill themselves. Most of the time I will just talk to my friend and if he doesn't respond I start getting worried because he is also depressed when I'm not talking to him i will watch anime or cartoons or watch YouTube to make myself feel happy and eat food. And it doesn't help that I'm a furry too
|
self-harm
|
i've pretty much all my friends, i'm scared that my mum will kick me out of the house because i am bi and she constantly switches her mood so i don't know what to think of her anymore and i just wish i could change my race because of racist bullies i hope they go kill themselves. most of the time i will just talk to my friend and if he doesn't respond i start getting worried because he is also depressed when i'm not talking to him i will watch anime or cartoons or watch youtube to make myself feel happy and eat food. and it doesn't help that i'm a furry too
|
It's like I drowning and barely can keep my head above the water, like I am stuck in molasses.
Nothing is going to dramatically improve, I am just so tired.
I don't want to die but I can't do it anymore.
|
self-harm
|
it's like i drowning and barely can keep my head above the water, like i am stuck in molasses. nothing is going to dramatically improve, i am just so tired. i don't want to die but i can't do it anymore.
|
End of preview. Expand
in Data Studio
README.md exists but content is empty.
- Downloads last month
- 36