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And it's absolutely wrong, I know, but it doesn't make it not true. I'm a mistake. Please someone end my suffering.
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self-harm
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and it's absolutely wrong, i know, but it doesn't make it not true. i'm a mistake. please someone end my suffering.
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Surely instead of punishing me you should be helping me all ur doing is making it worse
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self-harm
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surely instead of punishing me you should be helping me all ur doing is making it worse
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You know when you don't truly want to end things, but you don't want to feel or exist in this dumb game called life. I think I'm done with life, I just want to disappear into nothingness.
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self-harm
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you know when you don't truly want to end things, but you don't want to feel or exist in this dumb game called life. i think i'm done with life, i just want to disappear into nothingness.
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I can’t do anything. I’m useless. A literal burden upon those that are in my life. I wish to perish. I can’t cry and I hate it. I can’t do anything right. My existence is so pointless.
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self-harm
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i can't do anything. i'm useless. a literal burden upon those that are in my life. i wish to perish. i can't cry and i hate it. i can't do anything right. my existence is so pointless.
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I made a post yesterday on depression help and received some nice advice but it didn't really help i woke up today and im still spiraling im drowning and desperately want a life line but nothing anyone says to me helps i got nothing going for me i haven't eaten in days i cant sleep and im really sitting here with a gun in my hand and i just want a reason not to do it
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self-harm
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i made a post yesterday on depression help and received some nice advice but it didn't really help i woke up today and im still spiraling im drowning and desperately want a life line but nothing anyone says to me helps i got nothing going for me i haven't eaten in days i cant sleep and im really sitting here with a gun in my hand and i just want a reason not to do it
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The most amazing girl I've ever met walked into my life. When I met her she was 8 and a half months pregnant and had a black eye. She just got abandoned by her abusive ex at a hotel and came to a mutual friend's.
She couldn't stay with him so I offered her a bed at my house. A place where she could be safe. (Ex boyfriend came by mutual friends and broke out his front windows). Me and her vibe, she is amazing with my kids, she walked in like she had been here there whole time. I can honestly say I love her.
She went into labor and the way everything went down I literally delivered the baby without professional help in my bathroom. She had made the decision before hand to adopt the baby out, but her ex will not leave her alone. He will terrorize her as long as she's around. She got an offer to move out of state with her dad and now she's leaving...
I hate that this is the best thing for her, and I know she has to leave to find any amount of peace in her life.
I want to ask her to stay so bad. But I know i can't.
I can't look at her right now and I know its hurting her to see me like this. I just don't know what to do anymore
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self-harm
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the most amazing girl i've ever met walked into my life. when i met her she was 8 and a half months pregnant and had a black eye. she just got abandoned by her abusive ex at a hotel and came to a mutual friend's. she couldn't stay with him so i offered her a bed at my house. a place where she could be safe. (ex boyfriend came by mutual friends and broke out his front windows). me and her vibe, she is amazing with my kids, she walked in like she had been here there whole time. i can honestly say i love her. she went into labor and the way everything went down i literally delivered the baby without professional help in my bathroom. she had made the decision before hand to adopt the baby out, but her ex will not leave her alone. he will terrorize her as long as she's around. she got an offer to move out of state with her dad and now she's leaving.. i hate that this is the best thing for her, and i know she has to leave to find any amount of peace in her life. i want to ask her to stay so bad. but i know i can't. i can't look at her right now and i know its hurting her to see me like this. i just don't know what to do anymore
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I envy those that have it in them to take their lives and that’s so wrong of me but I truly wish I could do it.
Please, push me. Make me do it.
I’m hurting.
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i envy those that have it in them to take their lives and that's so wrong of me but i truly wish i could do it. please, push me. make me do it. i'm hurting.
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I talked about it with some friends, but I want more outlets, so here I am, here is what happened. This was around a few months ago, but I've been thinking about a lot recently.
I am diagnosed with, depression, psychosis, and aspergers.
While I was at the doctor's office, I was playing on a video game, while this girl came in with her mother, but this girl had autism, and she was around 30 years old, she saw me playing my game and sat next to me watching me play it, not saying anything. She liked video games as well, her mom was talking to my own mom about her daughter, she said she never had friends and that she was often bullied at school. She just wanted a friend, she just wanted someone to have memories with, she just wanted something she never had before. And what did my stupid piece of useless shit do? I ignored her, I ignored her while she was watching me play my game, I ignored her when she told me bye in the saddest voice I ever heard. Her mom also said she was gonna get sent to foster care, because her mom couldn't take care of her anymore. I never seen her again after that, all these thoughts rushed through my head, what if she killed herself because I didn't wanna be her friend? What if she's being abused in a foster home? What if she's dead? All because of my idiotic stupidity, someone could potentially be dead because of me.
And my mom told she doesn't know what happened to her, I just don't wanna live my entire life wondering if someone could potentially be dead because of me, and also living slowly being eaten by my own guilt.
I don't know if I can do it anymore, I don't know if I can do it anymore.
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i talked about it with some friends, but i want more outlets, so here i am, here is what happened. this was around a few months ago, but i've been thinking about a lot recently. i am diagnosed with, depression, psychosis, and aspergers. while i was at the doctor's office, i was playing on a video game, while this girl came in with her mother, but this girl had autism, and she was around 30 years old, she saw me playing my game and sat next to me watching me play it, not saying anything. she liked video games as well, her mom was talking to my own mom about her daughter, she said she never had friends and that she was often bullied at school. she just wanted a friend, she just wanted someone to have memories with, she just wanted something she never had before. and what did my stupid piece of useless shit do? i ignored her, i ignored her while she was watching me play my game, i ignored her when she told me bye in the saddest voice i ever heard. her mom also said she was gonna get sent to foster care, because her mom couldn't take care of her anymore. i never seen her again after that, all these thoughts rushed through my head, what if she killed herself because i didn't wanna be her friend? what if she's being abused in a foster home? what if she's dead? all because of my idiotic stupidity, someone could potentially be dead because of me. and my mom told she doesn't know what happened to her, i just don't wanna live my entire life wondering if someone could potentially be dead because of me, and also living slowly being eaten by my own guilt. i don't know if i can do it anymore, i don't know if i can do it anymore.
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I’m trans and dysphoria is so bad, I came out to my family and they “accept” me but refuse to call me by my real name and pronouns. My friend group agitates me because they’re so predictable. They never want to hangout with me anymore and I just don’t get it. I tried getting a therapist but it didn’t work. I would hang myself tonight if I had the rope. I could wait and come out to the high school but for what? Just to get bullied? I’ll never be comfortable in my body unless I drop thousands of dollars I don’t have so what’s the point fighting a battle I’ll never win?
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i'm trans and dysphoria is so bad, i came out to my family and they "accept" me but refuse to call me by my real name and pronouns. my friend group agitates me because they're so predictable. they never want to hangout with me anymore and i just don't get it. i tried getting a therapist but it didn't work. i would hang myself tonight if i had the rope. i could wait and come out to the high school but for what? just to get bullied? i'll never be comfortable in my body unless i drop thousands of dollars i don't have so what's the point fighting a battle i'll never win?
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I want to kill my self because of stress of family and health and anxiety and just all of this bullshit that has been going on I've just thought about and said to myself why not hang yourself of shoot yourself in the head I just feel like a meaningless speck in the universe and if I was dead would it even matter
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i want to kill my self because of stress of family and health and anxiety and just all of this bullshit that has been going on i've just thought about and said to myself why not hang yourself of shoot yourself in the head i just feel like a meaningless speck in the universe and if i was dead would it even matter
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stuffs when people say you can't do it I actually can
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stuffs when people say you can't do it i actually can
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My break down at work was the worse one I have ever had I have bipolar depression and it hit me like a truck I had to avoid people and try everything not to cry like a bitch I even went to places where no one could see me to hit thing to keep my self angry so I wouldn’t just break down this was the closest I have been to wanting to die and idk what made it happen if I was at home that night I would not be here today I haven’t told anyone about this but I need to get it off my chest
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my break down at work was the worse one i have ever had i have bipolar depression and it hit me like a truck i had to avoid people and try everything not to cry like a bitch i even went to places where no one could see me to hit thing to keep my self angry so i wouldn't just break down this was the closest i have been to wanting to die and idk what made it happen if i was at home that night i would not be here today i haven't told anyone about this but i need to get it off my chest
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I usually use this sub as a source of venting, but never have I once actually thought I would commit suicide in the near future. I always imagined it would happen in my 20s, but as of lately I’m thinking it could happen in a few years. Everyday death is getting less and less scary to me. Death was my #1 fear for the longest time but now it doesn’t scare me that much. I’m afraid as my emotions continue to grow and the more sleep deprived I am I’ll finally do it one day. And then I’ll be happy. Nobody is giving me the one thing that could save me, and that one thing is love. I give love but I never receive. Just to feel someone close to me and have them love me would be enough reason to live but it won’t happen. Not once in a million years.
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i usually use this sub as a source of venting, but never have i once actually thought i would commit suicide in the near future. i always imagined it would happen in my 20s, but as of lately i'm thinking it could happen in a few years. everyday death is getting less and less scary to me. death was my #1 fear for the longest time but now it doesn't scare me that much. i'm afraid as my emotions continue to grow and the more sleep deprived i am i'll finally do it one day. and then i'll be happy. nobody is giving me the one thing that could save me, and that one thing is love. i give love but i never receive. just to feel someone close to me and have them love me would be enough reason to live but it won't happen. not once in a million years.
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It's actually not a complete list but like one thing that I hate more than just about anything. People who act like they can relate. Unless your entire life is consumed with wanting to die you can't relate. I'm new to this sub and honestly don't even know how I found it. I just kinda stumbled upon it. After a couple of days of reading posts I noticed a lot of people telling people, hang in there, it will get better, someone loves you, blah, blah, blah.
I totally appreciate that there are people out there who actually do care but sometimes it doesn't get better and sometimes nobody out there loves you. There is not one single person on this planet that gives a fuck about me. Including my family. Telling me that there is is just a little bit insulting. So on behalf of those on here who really hate themselves please don't say you know how we feel unless you are having the same struggles. If you want to help just offer to be open and available to talk and more importantly listen without being judgmental. Sometimes it's just nice to be able to unload your burdens without being judged or having someone tell you what to do.
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self-harm
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it's actually not a complete list but like one thing that i hate more than just about anything. people who act like they can relate. unless your entire life is consumed with wanting to die you can't relate. i'm new to this sub and honestly don't even know how i found it. i just kinda stumbled upon it. after a couple of days of reading posts i noticed a lot of people telling people, hang in there, it will get better, someone loves you, blah, blah, blah. i totally appreciate that there are people out there who actually do care but sometimes it doesn't get better and sometimes nobody out there loves you. there is not one single person on this planet that gives a fuck about me. including my family. telling me that there is is just a little bit insulting. so on behalf of those on here who really hate themselves please don't say you know how we feel unless you are having the same struggles. if you want to help just offer to be open and available to talk and more importantly listen without being judgmental. sometimes it's just nice to be able to unload your burdens without being judged or having someone tell you what to do.
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I can't take it anymore. I know I try to cheer people up all the time; I feel like a hypocrite because I want to die almost every day. It's too much. I'm in a worse position than I was last year; I'm in physical and mental agony, I fucking wish I was aborted.
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i can't take it anymore. i know i try to cheer people up all the time; i feel like a hypocrite because i want to die almost every day. it's too much. i'm in a worse position than i was last year; i'm in physical and mental agony, i fucking wish i was aborted.
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I know my self esteem is bad but I didn’t know it was that bad. Realizing now that my self esteem leads to why I wish I was dead. I think my existence is the biggest burden that anyone could ever face. That I’m so ugly, just by looking at me, people wish they were dead too. Hearing my voice puts a stain on their day and ruins it. I’m scared to leave the house in case anyone sees me. I wish I could personally apologize to every person who’s met me or even laid eyes on me, but that would involve interacting with them, and I would never wish that experience on anybody. I believe that I will never be deserving of love, respect, honesty, or even anyone’s time because I’m me. My personality is horrible, my face looks horrible, my body is horrible. It makes me want to die. I feel like the world would be heaven on earth if I just wasn’t on it anymore. I wasn’t always like this. This blew up in the past 2 years. The only man I’ve ever loved, and loved more than I thought anyone could ever experience, lied to me and cheated. I already had low self esteem before hand, but not this bad. She ended up being abusive towards him, and he still loved her more than he loved me. So much so that when she demanded that he completely cut off contact with me (despite us having a child together), he agreed. Every now and then he would secretly check in and I would update him on our child. But despite beating him he would still brag about her to me like it didn’t her, how she was “the pretty girl” wherever they went, how she was out of his league, how he fell in love with her so quickly. I will never be her. I will never be loved, or respected, or cared about. I don’t feel like there’s any reason for me to be on this earth anymore. I will never have a fulfilling life, and if someone’s abusive girlfriend is better than me (even when I’ve never abused anyone), I must really be the worst person to ever be on this earth. I don’t think I deserve to live anymore.
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i know my self esteem is bad but i didn't know it was that bad. realizing now that my self esteem leads to why i wish i was dead. i think my existence is the biggest burden that anyone could ever face. that i'm so ugly, just by looking at me, people wish they were dead too. hearing my voice puts a stain on their day and ruins it. i'm scared to leave the house in case anyone sees me. i wish i could personally apologize to every person who's met me or even laid eyes on me, but that would involve interacting with them, and i would never wish that experience on anybody. i believe that i will never be deserving of love, respect, honesty, or even anyone's time because i'm me. my personality is horrible, my face looks horrible, my body is horrible. it makes me want to die. i feel like the world would be heaven on earth if i just wasn't on it anymore. i wasn't always like this. this blew up in the past 2 years. the only man i've ever loved, and loved more than i thought anyone could ever experience, lied to me and cheated. i already had low self esteem before hand, but not this bad. she ended up being abusive towards him, and he still loved her more than he loved me. so much so that when she demanded that he completely cut off contact with me (despite us having a child together), he agreed. every now and then he would secretly check in and i would update him on our child. but despite beating him he would still brag about her to me like it didn't her, how she was "the pretty girl" wherever they went, how she was out of his league, how he fell in love with her so quickly. i will never be her. i will never be loved, or respected, or cared about. i don't feel like there's any reason for me to be on this earth anymore. i will never have a fulfilling life, and if someone's abusive girlfriend is better than me (even when i've never abused anyone), i must really be the worst person to ever be on this earth. i don't think i deserve to live anymore.
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Being a 20 year old, I’m supposed to be out having fun with friends, finding the girl of my dreams and looking for the job I want to work for the rest of my life. Instead, I’m losing hair day by day and soon I’ll have to shave it off. (Very soon, probably two months.) it’s unfair and I don’t know how to handle it. I’ve been suicidal before and now it’s all come rushing back. I dread waking up in the morning. I’m going to be known as “the bald guy” for at least the next 20 years. Life is unfair and I seem to have lost the genetic lottery. I wish I could just be a normal young man but that will never happen. I miss the person I used to be and I miss the things I used to do. Nowadays, I’m an empty shell of my old self. Hair loss and depression have taken everything from me and I don’t see any other way out.
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being a 20 year old, i'm supposed to be out having fun with friends, finding the girl of my dreams and looking for the job i want to work for the rest of my life. instead, i'm losing hair day by day and soon i'll have to shave it off. (very soon, probably two months.) it's unfair and i don't know how to handle it. i've been suicidal before and now it's all come rushing back. i dread waking up in the morning. i'm going to be known as "the bald guy" for at least the next 20 years. life is unfair and i seem to have lost the genetic lottery. i wish i could just be a normal young man but that will never happen. i miss the person i used to be and i miss the things i used to do. nowadays, i'm an empty shell of my old self. hair loss and depression have taken everything from me and i don't see any other way out.
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I’m trapped in a vicious circle that never seems to stop. Nothing has gone my way for two years. I’m a recovering addict. 125 days clean off meth and proud of that but I can’t ever get my daughter back. My ex husbands family is very wealthy and will pay any amount to make sure I don’t get her. I love my boyfriend and his kids so much but what I give is never enough. I’m not enough for them. I don’t wanna hear about the whole life is worth living. What is worth all this pain. Haven’t I suffered enough? I want nothing but to just be happy and I’m a social anxiety nightmare everywhere I go. I feel like everyone is driving me to kill myself and I’m too scared to do it. All I wish every night is that I can fall asleep and never wake up. Only then will I truly be at peace. There is no more peace for me here on earth. If god was real he wouldn’t want me to feel like this nor would he do this to me. God is dead. I wish I was too. I’d literally pay someone to kill me... but we all know that’s unlikely to happen in this day and age. I don’t want to be alive anymore.
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i'm trapped in a vicious circle that never seems to stop. nothing has gone my way for two years. i'm a recovering addict. 125 days clean off meth and proud of that but i can't ever get my daughter back. my ex husbands family is very wealthy and will pay any amount to make sure i don't get her. i love my boyfriend and his kids so much but what i give is never enough. i'm not enough for them. i don't wanna hear about the whole life is worth living. what is worth all this pain. haven't i suffered enough? i want nothing but to just be happy and i'm a social anxiety nightmare everywhere i go. i feel like everyone is driving me to kill myself and i'm too scared to do it. all i wish every night is that i can fall asleep and never wake up. only then will i truly be at peace. there is no more peace for me here on earth. if god was real he wouldn't want me to feel like this nor would he do this to me. god is dead. i wish i was too. i'd literally pay someone to kill me.. but we all know that's unlikely to happen in this day and age. i don't want to be alive anymore.
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... *PUF!* and i am gone. Like i was never born. Disappear from the Earth and from everyone's mind. No funeral needed because i never existed. No mourning either. No feels. No nothing. And the world goes on like it should.
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.. *puf!* and i am gone. like i was never born. disappear from the earth and from everyone's mind. no funeral needed because i never existed. no mourning either. no feels. no nothing. and the world goes on like it should.
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I have 2 unused epipens. Its the only method I have immediatly available.
I'm thinking that injecting it into my neck would get to my heart quicker.
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self-harm
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i have 2 unused epipens. its the only method i have immediatly available. i'm thinking that injecting it into my neck would get to my heart quicker.
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I just can't do it, because someone has to see it to confirm the death. :(
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i just can't do it, because someone has to see it to confirm the death. :(
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i can’t cope i can’t do it i’m so fucking exhausted everything feels so heavy i feel like i can’t breath like all of life’s problems lays on my chest suffocating me and i told them i had a plan for when i get out but they sent me home anyway it feels like another kick in the ass for a reason to attempt again because they won’t care if i’m found dead. i just can’t fucking do this everyday is exhausting i feel sick with my head my thoughts are so god i can’t even explain it and i’m so tired so fucking tired not the tired you can sleep off my bones ache i feel like i’m strapped down to my bed it took so much energy to attempt just to be saved i don’t know what to do i just wish they’d let me die.
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i can't cope i can't do it i'm so fucking exhausted everything feels so heavy i feel like i can't breath like all of life's problems lays on my chest suffocating me and i told them i had a plan for when i get out but they sent me home anyway it feels like another kick in the ass for a reason to attempt again because they won't care if i'm found dead. i just can't fucking do this everyday is exhausting i feel sick with my head my thoughts are so god i can't even explain it and i'm so tired so fucking tired not the tired you can sleep off my bones ache i feel like i'm strapped down to my bed it took so much energy to attempt just to be saved i don't know what to do i just wish they'd let me die.
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Does the feeling of wanting to die and the lonelieness ever go away? I've been dealing with depression and suicidal thought since i was 12 and for 5 FUCKING YEARS i just want it to end
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does the feeling of wanting to die and the lonelieness ever go away? i've been dealing with depression and suicidal thought since i was 12 and for 5 fucking years i just want it to end
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I'm honestly just feeling really suicidal and I wanna self harm soo bad that its driving me crazy even tho I've been clean for like 8 months and I can't stop crying. Idk whats wrong with me but I dont have anyone to talk to anyway and I don't wanna mess up again. I feel like such a weird, useless piece of shit thats never gonna do anything good and I feel pathetic for even coming here tbh
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i'm honestly just feeling really suicidal and i wanna self harm soo bad that its driving me crazy even tho i've been clean for like 8 months and i can't stop crying. idk whats wrong with me but i dont have anyone to talk to anyway and i don't wanna mess up again. i feel like such a weird, useless piece of shit thats never gonna do anything good and i feel pathetic for even coming here tbh
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I could never break my mom's heart like that, but I am so exhausted... I guess for those of you going through suicidal thoughts like me, please remember your parents or grandparents, or siblings or closest friend and how devastated and lonely they would be without you.
It's super hard. I know. But I believe things will get better, i really hope so
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i could never break my mom's heart like that, but i am so exhausted.. i guess for those of you going through suicidal thoughts like me, please remember your parents or grandparents, or siblings or closest friend and how devastated and lonely they would be without you. it's super hard. i know. but i believe things will get better, i really hope so
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Quietly suffering for years from thoughts that would control me everyday, fake laughters and smiles, all the fake Im okays, all the self harm and lies, all the self convincing and confusion is finally coming to an end. Ever since I planned out my suicide, Ive been feeling better. Feeling like this is finally going to stop so I dont have to worry anymore. My days are a bit better. There are times when I feel guilty af because I have both of my parents, little sister, cute dog, 3 out of 4 grandparents and a big family, were not poor, we have quite a big house, we live in a country thats not doing bad at all, I have a job, group of people to hang out with, just got accepted into university and even started visiting a therapist. And here I am planning my fucking suicide. The fact that you gotta pay tons just to feel alright mentally crushes me.
But, honestly, it became so easy to ignore everything and everyone at this point. I wanted to do this for years, and now I finally found the courage. I wrote a letter to my sister and to one friend saying shit like I love them. I prepared diazepam, alcohol and im still getting a load of painkillers. Second part of my plan is a bathtub full of water and unconscious (if not dead yet) me, hopefully.
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self-harm
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quietly suffering for years from thoughts that would control me everyday, fake laughters and smiles, all the fake im okays, all the self harm and lies, all the self convincing and confusion is finally coming to an end. ever since i planned out my suicide, ive been feeling better. feeling like this is finally going to stop so i dont have to worry anymore. my days are a bit better. there are times when i feel guilty af because i have both of my parents, little sister, cute dog, 3 out of 4 grandparents and a big family, were not poor, we have quite a big house, we live in a country thats not doing bad at all, i have a job, group of people to hang out with, just got accepted into university and even started visiting a therapist. and here i am planning my fucking suicide. the fact that you gotta pay tons just to feel alright mentally crushes me. but, honestly, it became so easy to ignore everything and everyone at this point. i wanted to do this for years, and now i finally found the courage. i wrote a letter to my sister and to one friend saying shit like i love them. i prepared diazepam, alcohol and im still getting a load of painkillers. second part of my plan is a bathtub full of water and unconscious (if not dead yet) me, hopefully.
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From my post history you will see someone who is struggling from the darkest depths of one's mind. I cannot take it, I'm sick and tired of being told I'm lazy or I should have a job. Nobody will ever fully understand the pain i am feeling. The only way they will know is when I end my life. Oh and being a 21yr old with no healthcare in America is a gateway to death I'll never get the treatment I need, It'll save my mother money so she doesn't have to keep up with her sick son and I won't be a jobless burden to anyone. I guess I'll either crash our car into a bridge or get my hands on a gun, I cannot fucking take this shit. Quit saying it gets better because we all know it doesn't, All my pain can be over in mere seconds. I am venting because I have been failed from the healthcare system I will be another suicide statistic. I'm sick I'm sick I am not okay. I will never work again, pursue a relationship or be anything... I have lost who I was. I've worked on a suicide video to give my friends and family a few weeks ago because it gives me comfort. Just fucking kill me.
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self-harm
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from my post history you will see someone who is struggling from the darkest depths of one's mind. i cannot take it, i'm sick and tired of being told i'm lazy or i should have a job. nobody will ever fully understand the pain i am feeling. the only way they will know is when i end my life. oh and being a 21yr old with no healthcare in america is a gateway to death i'll never get the treatment i need, it'll save my mother money so she doesn't have to keep up with her sick son and i won't be a jobless burden to anyone. i guess i'll either crash our car into a bridge or get my hands on a gun, i cannot fucking take this shit. quit saying it gets better because we all know it doesn't, all my pain can be over in mere seconds. i am venting because i have been failed from the healthcare system i will be another suicide statistic. i'm sick i'm sick i am not okay. i will never work again, pursue a relationship or be anything.. i have lost who i was. i've worked on a suicide video to give my friends and family a few weeks ago because it gives me comfort. just fucking kill me.
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I finished my notes. Just wanted to let someone know. I can’t deal with the pain but I do wish that she stays happy. She did choose him over me.
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i finished my notes. just wanted to let someone know. i can't deal with the pain but i do wish that she stays happy. she did choose him over me.
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Hello, I'm just simply asking for advice on here if that is okay.
I have a lover who I very much love and hold close dearly, I love them very much.
I won't share too much info about my partner, but they went through a lifetime of hardships and putting themselves in self-destructive situations like self-harm and starvation. They'd rather have no body care for them, but rathermore have that go towards others.
I've had my fair share of depression and being suicidal, so I know how that is and managed to help them through tough times.
But I'm still worried, they're very self-destructive and self-degrading and they struggle with opening up about their problems, thoughts, and feelings. And then there is me, a perfectly happy, and energetic person.
To make matters worse, my lover is long-distance, they live states away from me. So what I can really do is limited, so what can I do? I'm doing my best and doing all the right things, like comfort, treating them humanely, and giving them their own time and space to speak about it. Yet, I'm still worried.
This is my first time using Reddit, so i understand if I somehow broke a few guidelines or did something wrong, but thank you anyways.
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self-harm
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hello, i'm just simply asking for advice on here if that is okay. i have a lover who i very much love and hold close dearly, i love them very much. i won't share too much info about my partner, but they went through a lifetime of hardships and putting themselves in self-destructive situations like self-harm and starvation. they'd rather have no body care for them, but rathermore have that go towards others. i've had my fair share of depression and being suicidal, so i know how that is and managed to help them through tough times. but i'm still worried, they're very self-destructive and self-degrading and they struggle with opening up about their problems, thoughts, and feelings. and then there is me, a perfectly happy, and energetic person. to make matters worse, my lover is long-distance, they live states away from me. so what i can really do is limited, so what can i do? i'm doing my best and doing all the right things, like comfort, treating them humanely, and giving them their own time and space to speak about it. yet, i'm still worried. this is my first time using reddit, so i understand if i somehow broke a few guidelines or did something wrong, but thank you anyways.
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my ex-friend doesnt like me for my humor and bashes me for always being negative
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self-harm
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my ex-friend doesnt like me for my humor and bashes me for always being negative
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I have no friends, both my parents died in my junior year in high school. Especially my dad, he was my best friend practically. My sister hates my guts and thinks I’m weird. I’m just ready to go see my pops again. The only person in this world that cares about me is my grandma who is not doing great health wise at all. All I do now is seem to find trouble and I don’t even mean to get in it. I’m Fixing to go to jail because I violated my probation for a weed pen and picked up a domestic violence case even though my sister hit me first. I just can’t anymore. I’m so done with my shitty life
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self-harm
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i have no friends, both my parents died in my junior year in high school. especially my dad, he was my best friend practically. my sister hates my guts and thinks i'm weird. i'm just ready to go see my pops again. the only person in this world that cares about me is my grandma who is not doing great health wise at all. all i do now is seem to find trouble and i don't even mean to get in it. i'm fixing to go to jail because i violated my probation for a weed pen and picked up a domestic violence case even though my sister hit me first. i just can't anymore. i'm so done with my shitty life
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please help me i feel like theres no othher option but suicide at this point.
i live with my dad who can be so abusive to me but i cant move in with my mother because I used to live with her and she was also equally abusive in different ways.
i do health and social care studies (im 27 i left it so late in life and i hate myself) One guy i met asked me why im doing studies still at 27 and I told him because I left it too late and I wanted to do it now his response was "why are you stupid or something?" Im so embarrassed i wish i never did this my life is ruined its too late to start a new or even try
I'm too old to be studying I hate my life I wanted to be a therapist it will never happen
and i have been offered a job from my best and only friend to do personal care in a care home for a few hours a week. I do not want to do personal care I never have. I got into health and social to try to become a therapist but now I think I wasted so many years on the wrong course. My best friend said please dont let her down because its her name attached to this and they have given me opportunities that are hard to come by in this day and age.
with all the abuse at home and now this i see no other way out it was already ahrd enough
and now i am about to let my best friend down she will never forgive me or trust me again
i cant see any other way out
i already felt like this for a long time because even my therapists were struggling to help me because of my home situations and I'm an adult so they can't help in the same way they would someone who is a child or a teenager.
also i dont want my family to get into trouble so i refuse to report them
My dad wants to keep me a prisoner forever
and i cant return to my other family
i am trapped in this life
the one person i had is my best friend btu now i feel trapped by the job
i have nothing left
i feel like killing myself
but i will speak to my therapist soon and tell her idk
I see no way out i just need advice
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self-harm
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please help me i feel like theres no othher option but suicide at this point. i live with my dad who can be so abusive to me but i cant move in with my mother because i used to live with her and she was also equally abusive in different ways. i do health and social care studies (im 27 i left it so late in life and i hate myself) one guy i met asked me why im doing studies still at 27 and i told him because i left it too late and i wanted to do it now his response was "why are you stupid or something?" im so embarrassed i wish i never did this my life is ruined its too late to start a new or even try i'm too old to be studying i hate my life i wanted to be a therapist it will never happen and i have been offered a job from my best and only friend to do personal care in a care home for a few hours a week. i do not want to do personal care i never have. i got into health and social to try to become a therapist but now i think i wasted so many years on the wrong course. my best friend said please dont let her down because its her name attached to this and they have given me opportunities that are hard to come by in this day and age. with all the abuse at home and now this i see no other way out it was already ahrd enough and now i am about to let my best friend down she will never forgive me or trust me again i cant see any other way out i already felt like this for a long time because even my therapists were struggling to help me because of my home situations and i'm an adult so they can't help in the same way they would someone who is a child or a teenager. also i dont want my family to get into trouble so i refuse to report them my dad wants to keep me a prisoner forever and i cant return to my other family i am trapped in this life the one person i had is my best friend btu now i feel trapped by the job i have nothing left i feel like killing myself but i will speak to my therapist soon and tell her idk i see no way out i just need advice
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i just sat in the car for an hour with my younger sister talking about how miserable we are and how much we hate our dad.. my siblings and i all have mental health issues bc of him and half of us have self harmed or tried to commit suicide. it killed me to here my sister cry about the things he says and does to us. i’m super emotional and cry literally every time i talk about him or even talk to him. but she’s always so mature and calm about stuff even tho i know she gets upset and has panic attacks later. i’m scared for them i’m 18 and and other than my older sister who moved out i’m the oldest in the house. we always thought my older sister was crazy bc she would do all kinds of weird stuff and she’d always be yelling at my dad but a few years ago i found out it was because she was the one who found out my dad was cheating my mom. idk how old she was but probably around 13 or 14. she got really bad she had to go to one of those mental health hospital places. so yea i want to call cps to get my siblings out of here but they don’t want that and i’m scared of what would happen to my mom and me. my mom tries really hard but she’s in school rn and doesn’t really have time for us.. my dad makes her cry all the time and that hurts me more than anything. i’m not that close with her i don’t think ive hugged her more than once or twice my whole life but i love her so much.. my dads not physically abusive towards us and he likes to act like that’s some kind of achievement bc his dad used to beat him. i try to get as many hours as possible at work so i’m not at home around him but i work a part time job so i’m still home a lot. he mostly just yells at us to clean the house which me and one of my sisters do but he lets my 2 youngest siblings do whatever they want and the sink has maggots in it and mold and the kitchen is full of flies and just going down their and cleaning i have a panic attack after like an hour. then there’s the tv room where the 2 youngest hang out and there’s just food everywhere and mold and the carpet is destroyed and i know if cps came they would get taken away. me and my sister clean it like once a week usually but it doesn’t matter how many times we steam clean the carpet it’s always disgusting and as soon as it’s clean they destroy it again. i don’t want to leave my siblings alone here but i don’t think i’ll ever make it out of here. i hate him and i hate myself for not being able to do anything.. i m scared to die but im more scared to stay here.ive tried to kill myself before and idk if id try again but i want to and i think about it everyday.i remember the first time i tried i took a bunch of random pills and just waited and i was scared and wanted to ask for help but i didnt and it probably took me 12 hours before i realized i wasnt gonna die and i was just mad at myself. im scared that if i killed myself one of siblings would too or my dad would get worse and i would just make everything worse for everyone but at the same time maybe everything would get better bc maybe he could see what he was doing to us..i know im selfish and im sorry but idk know what to do...
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self-harm
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i just sat in the car for an hour with my younger sister talking about how miserable we are and how much we hate our dad.. my siblings and i all have mental health issues bc of him and half of us have self harmed or tried to commit suicide. it killed me to here my sister cry about the things he says and does to us. i'm super emotional and cry literally every time i talk about him or even talk to him. but she's always so mature and calm about stuff even tho i know she gets upset and has panic attacks later. i'm scared for them i'm 18 and and other than my older sister who moved out i'm the oldest in the house. we always thought my older sister was crazy bc she would do all kinds of weird stuff and she'd always be yelling at my dad but a few years ago i found out it was because she was the one who found out my dad was cheating my mom. idk how old she was but probably around 13 or 14. she got really bad she had to go to one of those mental health hospital places. so yea i want to call cps to get my siblings out of here but they don't want that and i'm scared of what would happen to my mom and me. my mom tries really hard but she's in school rn and doesn't really have time for us.. my dad makes her cry all the time and that hurts me more than anything. i'm not that close with her i don't think ive hugged her more than once or twice my whole life but i love her so much.. my dads not physically abusive towards us and he likes to act like that's some kind of achievement bc his dad used to beat him. i try to get as many hours as possible at work so i'm not at home around him but i work a part time job so i'm still home a lot. he mostly just yells at us to clean the house which me and one of my sisters do but he lets my 2 youngest siblings do whatever they want and the sink has maggots in it and mold and the kitchen is full of flies and just going down their and cleaning i have a panic attack after like an hour. then there's the tv room where the 2 youngest hang out and there's just food everywhere and mold and the carpet is destroyed and i know if cps came they would get taken away. me and my sister clean it like once a week usually but it doesn't matter how many times we steam clean the carpet it's always disgusting and as soon as it's clean they destroy it again. i don't want to leave my siblings alone here but i don't think i'll ever make it out of here. i hate him and i hate myself for not being able to do anything.. i'm scared to die but im more scared to stay here.ive tried to kill myself before and idk if id try again but i want to and i think about it everyday.i remember the first time i tried i took a bunch of random pills and just waited and i was scared and wanted to ask for help but i didnt and it probably took me 12 hours before i realized i wasnt gonna die and i was just mad at myself. im scared that if i killed myself one of siblings would too or my dad would get worse and i would just make everything worse for everyone but at the same time maybe everything would get better bc maybe he could see what he was doing to us..i know im selfish and im sorry but idk know what to do..
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This is a different type of post. I am not ugly, or shy, or have bad luck with women. I am an 38M Indian man. In Indian culture high school dating is strictly prohibited. In High School, I was asked out by 3 of the hottest girls in my class (one of the girls was my dream girl) and was FORCED TO SAY "NO" because my parents did not allow dating. I graduated High School not being allowed to go to a single dance (wasn't allowed) and never had been kissed.
​
My lack of sexual experience hindered me in college so I never tried. To summarize my 20s, I applied to medical school after college, did not get in, so I did a Ph.D in Biology which took 7 years. At 29 I applied to medical school again and got in. ***During my 20s, due to my virginity I also became a porn addict. I also became obese in my 20s.***
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I did Internal Medicine Residency for 3 years (***during which i changed my diet and worked out becoming in good shape***) then Oncology (Cancer Doctor) for another 4 (including a research year). ***I lost my virginity to a hooker. I also hired a "sexual surrogate" (basically a "intimacy/sex" teacher---GOOGLE IT) to "teach" me how to kiss/have sex.*** ***I had a 2 short relationships but my sexual inexperience ruined them.***
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I now make $400,000/year and am dating a hot blonde waitress (I always loved blondes) somehow. Still the insecurity ***DOES NOT GO AWAY***. I still get ***anxiety*** about sex. ***It does not make me happy. The pain of the wasted youth does not go away and becomes an OBSESSION. I will never know what it feels like to have sex as a teenager (or in my 20s) with raging hormones WHEN I SHOULD HAVE BUT MY PARENTS DID NOT ALLOW ME TO DATE OR HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. THIS IN ITS OWN WAY IS MORE EXCRUCIATING THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE.***
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***PICTURE WINNING A POWERBALL TICKET FOR $300 MILLION DOLLARS AND BEING FORCED TO THROW IT AWAY. THIS IS WHAT HIGH SCHOOL FELT LIKE FOR ME.*** I grew up rich (dad was a neurosurgeon, mom was an obgyn) so the ***money is meaningless to me....it does not make me happy.***
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I suppose I should be happy about what I have now. ***Well I CAN'T***. Life never will be the same or the way it should have been. ***I realize there probably will not be any sympathy for me in this forum***, but I am here to tell you that ***THE PAIN OF A WASTED YOUTH NEVER GOES AWAY*** ***EVEN IF YOU SUPPOSEDLY GET EVERYTHING YOU WANT***.
ALSO HERE TO SAY THAT OFTEN TIMES IN LIFE ***PEOPLE WHO YOU WOULD NEVER EXPECT TO BE SUICIDAL KILL THEMSELVES. I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.***
I OWN MULTIPLE GUNS (I COLLECT THEM) SO I WILL BE USING ONE OF THEM TO KILL MYSELF SOMETIME IN THE NEXT FEW MONTHS.
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self-harm
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this is a different type of post. i am not ugly, or shy, or have bad luck with women. i am an 38m indian man. in indian culture high school dating is strictly prohibited. in high school, i was asked out by 3 of the hottest girls in my class (one of the girls was my dream girl) and was forced to say "no" because my parents did not allow dating. i graduated high school not being allowed to go to a single dance (wasn't allowed) and never had been kissed. my lack of sexual experience hindered me in college so i never tried. to summarize my 20s, i applied to medical school after college, did not get in, so i did a ph.d in biology which took 7 years. at 29 i applied to medical school again and got in. **during my 20s, due to my virginity i also became a porn addict. i also became obese in my 20s.** i did internal medicine residency for 3 years (**during which i changed my diet and worked out becoming in good shape**) then oncology (cancer doctor) for another 4 (including a research year). **i lost my virginity to a hooker. i also hired a "sexual surrogate" (basically a "intimacy/sex" teacher--google it) to "teach" me how to kiss/have sex.** **i had a 2 short relationships but my sexual inexperience ruined them.** i now make $400,00/year and am dating a hot blonde waitress (i always loved blondes) somehow. still the insecurity **does not go away**. i still get **anxiety** about sex. **it does not make me happy. the pain of the wasted youth does not go away and becomes an obsession. i will never know what it feels like to have sex as a teenager (or in my 20s) with raging hormones when i should have but my parents did not allow me to date or have a girlfriend. this in its own way is more excruciating than you can imagine.** **picture winning a powerball ticket for $300 million dollars and being forced to throw it away. this is what high school felt like for me.** i grew up rich (dad was a neurosurgeon, mom was an obgyn) so the **money is meaningless to me..it does not make me happy.** i suppose i should be happy about what i have now. **well i can't**. life never will be the same or the way it should have been. **i realize there probably will not be any sympathy for me in this forum**, but i am here to tell you that **the pain of a wasted youth never goes away** **even if you supposedly get everything you want**. also here to say that often times in life **people who you would never expect to be suicidal kill themselves. i am one of those people.** i own multiple guns (i collect them) so i will be using one of them to kill myself sometime in the next few months.
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I am nothing but baggage to people! Everyone who has been my friend regrets it.. i am nothing but a big burden pn everyone!
How can i be still alive why cant i just end it! I have an entire bag full of pills for different things!
Would it end if i eat all of them together? I am just worried about what will happen if i dont die! What will i say to everyone if by any small chance i recover?
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self-harm
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i am nothing but baggage to people! everyone who has been my friend regrets it.. i am nothing but a big burden pn everyone! how can i be still alive why cant i just end it! i have an entire bag full of pills for different things! would it end if i eat all of them together? i am just worried about what will happen if i dont die! what will i say to everyone if by any small chance i recover?
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Basically no one listens to me when I say I need help. This is the only way I can get anyone’s attention. So please give me some tips on how to attemp (best ways, etc) but to survive
f.e. I take a bunch of pills but someone saves me and calls 911 before I’m dead
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self-harm
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basically no one listens to me when i say i need help. this is the only way i can get anyone's attention. so please give me some tips on how to attemp (best ways, etc) but to survive f.e. i take a bunch of pills but someone saves me and calls 911 before i'm dead
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Why is everyone else here? How do you guys hold on? I feel like I'm going to give up any day now, with no real plan beyond some kind of cathartic ending that leaves everyone with very little closure or comfort. I finally convinced my doctors to take me off all my medication in March, something I was in fact very proud about. I was actually feeling really great, right up until I tried to kill myself on April 17th.
Every day since then has been anxiety attacks and violent thoughts towards myself, with an underlying inability to cope with even the smallest inconveniences. It's important to mention that I don't think of my suicide attempt as a mistake, just a failure. Had there been any success I wouldn't be whining to you guys now. It's simply the misery of knowing I'm still alive when I have no reason to live that really kills me. The one thing that haunted me the worst after I survived, wasn't a memory or effect, or anything I had felt; I just couldn't stop wondering why I am still alive.
It's been 77 days since I tried, and every day I've wanted to try again. I finally gave in and decided to talk to my doctor about medications, because the anxiety attacks that have followed my suicide attempt have made living basically unbearable. What once was a mildly off putting occasional gift, became a consistent plight on regular life, and somehow I still can't help but feel like I'm giving up. I was so proud of getting off medication and now that I feel myself about to have to go on them again I feel like I'm moving backwards. All this progress for nothing, and all that.
Then again it's the apathy that really hits me the hardest. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk to people anymore, I don't want to watch movies anymore. I don't want to play video games anymore, or work out, or research, or anything else I'd loved so much. I don't even want to sleep, but sleeping is the easiest way to ignore everything else, so it's all I ever end up doing. Fuck I feel so close to the end and I don't even have it in me to want to roll over, I just want to lay in place and day. But I can't, so I just keep living.
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self-harm
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why is everyone else here? how do you guys hold on? i feel like i'm going to give up any day now, with no real plan beyond some kind of cathartic ending that leaves everyone with very little closure or comfort. i finally convinced my doctors to take me off all my medication in march, something i was in fact very proud about. i was actually feeling really great, right up until i tried to kill myself on april 17th. every day since then has been anxiety attacks and violent thoughts towards myself, with an underlying inability to cope with even the smallest inconveniences. it's important to mention that i don't think of my suicide attempt as a mistake, just a failure. had there been any success i wouldn't be whining to you guys now. it's simply the misery of knowing i'm still alive when i have no reason to live that really kills me. the one thing that haunted me the worst after i survived, wasn't a memory or effect, or anything i had felt; i just couldn't stop wondering why i am still alive. it's been 77 days since i tried, and every day i've wanted to try again. i finally gave in and decided to talk to my doctor about medications, because the anxiety attacks that have followed my suicide attempt have made living basically unbearable. what once was a mildly off putting occasional gift, became a consistent plight on regular life, and somehow i still can't help but feel like i'm giving up. i was so proud of getting off medication and now that i feel myself about to have to go on them again i feel like i'm moving backwards. all this progress for nothing, and all that. then again it's the apathy that really hits me the hardest. i don't want to do anything. i don't want to talk to people anymore, i don't want to watch movies anymore. i don't want to play video games anymore, or work out, or research, or anything else i'd loved so much. i don't even want to sleep, but sleeping is the easiest way to ignore everything else, so it's all i ever end up doing. fuck i feel so close to the end and i don't even have it in me to want to roll over, i just want to lay in place and day. but i can't, so i just keep living.
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I have hit my rock bottom today!i dont think i have fallen this deep ever... or maybe i have i dont know
God it hurts so fucking much please help me die please! I just want it to end once and for all!
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self-harm
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i have hit my rock bottom today!i dont think i have fallen this deep ever.. or maybe i have i dont know god it hurts so fucking much please help me die please! i just want it to end once and for all!
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I looked down at the bottle of Lexapro and wanted to take them all...
My dad’s mom committed suicide when he was young and I’m now tied to a life I just don’t want because I would never do that to my dad, but I really wish I was never born.
My birthday is on Tuesday and I really hope it just stays far away as possible. Life is killing me internally lately and I think I’m very close to snapping...
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self-harm
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i looked down at the bottle of lexapro and wanted to take them all.. my dad's mom committed suicide when he was young and i'm now tied to a life i just don't want because i would never do that to my dad, but i really wish i was never born. my birthday is on tuesday and i really hope it just stays far away as possible. life is killing me internally lately and i think i'm very close to snapping..
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I’m tired of disappointing everyone
I have no purpose
Nothing to contribute
All I do is promise and never follow through
My mind is shit
Why the fuck am I like this
Why
I wish I wasn’t a pussy
I’d fucking end it
Swallow pills bleach anything any th ing
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self-harm
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i'm tired of disappointing everyone i have no purpose nothing to contribute all i do is promise and never follow through my mind is shit why the fuck am i like this why i wish i wasn't a pussy i'd fucking end it swallow pills bleach anything any th ing
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I am in the army. A lot of the people here don’t like me. I guess I’m too different. If I can’t find anyone to hang out with and if no one answers my phone calls, I’m gonna do it. I don’t know how yet. It’s a 50 50 between jumping and just driving my car into a tree. Either way if I don’t have anyone tomorrow, nothing will hold me back
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self-harm
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i am in the army. a lot of the people here don't like me. i guess i'm too different. if i can't find anyone to hang out with and if no one answers my phone calls, i'm gonna do it. i don't know how yet. it's a 50 50 between jumping and just driving my car into a tree. either way if i don't have anyone tomorrow, nothing will hold me back
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I tried to respond to a few posts on here to reach out. And I have no idea what I was thinking because obviously I can’t help anyone. I am such a hypocrite. Who am I to encourage another to live while I am barely doing that myself?
Honestly, I don’t know what’s stopping me. I know what to do. I know where the stuff I need is. And I have the means. And I know I still have a good hour until my husband comes home. And honestly I want to do it. Just end it. Say fuck it. Say goodbye.
I’m on the fucking edge and I just want to tip over. I also know that if I can make it, just another hour, my husband will be home and the opportunity for today will have passed...but then I’ll be back here again tomorrow. Same thing. The distractions I use in order to survive are no longer working.
I am so fucking empty. Torn up. I’ve moved past the point of desperation to die and entered the point of a matter of when.
I told myself I made a commitment to living, problem is that I only made that commitment for the sake of my husband. I don’t know that I can continue to hold true to that commitment.
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self-harm
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i tried to respond to a few posts on here to reach out. and i have no idea what i was thinking because obviously i can't help anyone. i am such a hypocrite. who am i to encourage another to live while i am barely doing that myself? honestly, i don't know what's stopping me. i know what to do. i know where the stuff i need is. and i have the means. and i know i still have a good hour until my husband comes home. and honestly i want to do it. just end it. say fuck it. say goodbye. i'm on the fucking edge and i just want to tip over. i also know that if i can make it, just another hour, my husband will be home and the opportunity for today will have passed..but then i'll be back here again tomorrow. same thing. the distractions i use in order to survive are no longer working. i am so fucking empty. torn up. i've moved past the point of desperation to die and entered the point of a matter of when. i told myself i made a commitment to living, problem is that i only made that commitment for the sake of my husband. i don't know that i can continue to hold true to that commitment.
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Lately, I've been feeling as shitty about myself as the time I checked into a mental rehab not too long ago. I felt better after it for a solid 3 months, but I feel like going back to work triggered my thoughts again. And I keep thinking of reasons from my past and the present, I won't name any but I could write a whole page of reasons.
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self-harm
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lately, i've been feeling as shitty about myself as the time i checked into a mental rehab not too long ago. i felt better after it for a solid 3 months, but i feel like going back to work triggered my thoughts again. and i keep thinking of reasons from my past and the present, i won't name any but i could write a whole page of reasons.
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I’m so tired. I hate myself. I ruin everything I touch and I’m actively ruining my life. I’m always high. Or drunk. Since my dad died I’ve been so paranoid about people dying even ages from now (including myself). But now I’m not scared about it. Not for me, really. I think I deserve that or worse. Right now I am here for my husband, our cats, and my sister. I tried to get help this past week but my dr just took me off my mood stabilizer cuz I didn’t think it was doing anything. I didn’t feel heard or cared about. Then the next day I finally get in to see a therapist and ugh it was so awkward. She was super nice tho I just think it was just Awkward for us both due to age and professions. Idk.
So basically I need a new therapist and I just don’t even feel like calling to switch. What if this isn’t a fit too? I don’t want to do anything really. I kinda just want to head to the fucking mountains with a shit ton of weed and beer just smoke/drink my way through that so I have some balls until I eventually kill my self.
Idk if I should figure out a plan tomorrow or tonight for how I am going to get the help I need or if I should just give up. I’m so sick of feeling this way for my entire life
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self-harm
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i'm so tired. i hate myself. i ruin everything i touch and i'm actively ruining my life. i'm always high. or drunk. since my dad died i've been so paranoid about people dying even ages from now (including myself). but now i'm not scared about it. not for me, really. i think i deserve that or worse. right now i am here for my husband, our cats, and my sister. i tried to get help this past week but my dr just took me off my mood stabilizer cuz i didn't think it was doing anything. i didn't feel heard or cared about. then the next day i finally get in to see a therapist and ugh it was so awkward. she was super nice tho i just think it was just awkward for us both due to age and professions. idk. so basically i need a new therapist and i just don't even feel like calling to switch. what if this isn't a fit too? i don't want to do anything really. i kinda just want to head to the fucking mountains with a shit ton of weed and beer just smoke/drink my way through that so i have some balls until i eventually kill my self. idk if i should figure out a plan tomorrow or tonight for how i am going to get the help i need or if i should just give up. i'm so sick of feeling this way for my entire life
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Sorry if this isn’t allowed or is the wrong place. I’ll go ahead and put a TW just in case: TW: intent.
I’m looking for peaceful methods, over the counter, and cheap. I’m a SAHM and the only funds I have is a pile of change- I might have $15 including a couple two dollar bills. I don’t want to go out bloody and in pain. It seems like finding a cheap alternative is difficult.
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self-harm
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sorry if this isn't allowed or is the wrong place. i'll go ahead and put a tw just in case: tw: intent. i'm looking for peaceful methods, over the counter, and cheap. i'm a sahm and the only funds i have is a pile of change- i might have $15 including a couple two dollar bills. i don't want to go out bloody and in pain. it seems like finding a cheap alternative is difficult.
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I am a teenager who has a family that is full of people with extreme anxiety and depression, we have no friends really and all I do is sit on the computer. I have tried seeing many therapists but now I am too depressed to even want to get better; not to mention whenever I do something someone else would qualify as "fun" I just feel emptiness. The only emotion I really seem to feel is anger and sadness. I have thought about this a lot and honestly to me nothingness seems better than waking up everyday to a boring life of eating and then being on the computer for hours. I have tried so many drugs, the legal kind, at this point that I don't believe any of them will help me. They say there is help for people like me but I guess I am to depressed to ask for it. Probably the only reason I am still here is because I know my mom really cares for me and loves me, whatever love feels like it seems I have forgotten. The only place I can go is to the hospital where they will take away my shoelaces and everything else treat me like a 5 year old and probably drive me insane. It seems like a lot less work not to bother with living anymore, why does the world need me its already extremely overpopulated. I don't want to deal with our fucked up society anymore, or the idea of going to some outrageously expensive college even though my high school gives college level courses for free. I have a feeling there is going to be a huge wave of suicide because of this isolation bullshit, I might be part of it. There is no good reason to live when your so fucked up and depressed you can't get better without going through torture and tons of medical bills. I guess I am just fucked, much like another teenagers addicted to computer games with no friends and no social skills. Not to mention my parents are trying to force me to get a job, I am applying everywhere, but because I am under 18 with no work experience no one wants to hire me. So if nobody needs me, I'll guess I'll just leave. Have fun dealing with this fucked up world.
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self-harm
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i am a teenager who has a family that is full of people with extreme anxiety and depression, we have no friends really and all i do is sit on the computer. i have tried seeing many therapists but now i am too depressed to even want to get better; not to mention whenever i do something someone else would qualify as "fun" i just feel emptiness. the only emotion i really seem to feel is anger and sadness. i have thought about this a lot and honestly to me nothingness seems better than waking up everyday to a boring life of eating and then being on the computer for hours. i have tried so many drugs, the legal kind, at this point that i don't believe any of them will help me. they say there is help for people like me but i guess i am to depressed to ask for it. probably the only reason i am still here is because i know my mom really cares for me and loves me, whatever love feels like it seems i have forgotten. the only place i can go is to the hospital where they will take away my shoelaces and everything else treat me like a 5 year old and probably drive me insane. it seems like a lot less work not to bother with living anymore, why does the world need me its already extremely overpopulated. i don't want to deal with our fucked up society anymore, or the idea of going to some outrageously expensive college even though my high school gives college level courses for free. i have a feeling there is going to be a huge wave of suicide because of this isolation bullshit, i might be part of it. there is no good reason to live when your so fucked up and depressed you can't get better without going through torture and tons of medical bills. i guess i am just fucked, much like another teenagers addicted to computer games with no friends and no social skills. not to mention my parents are trying to force me to get a job, i am applying everywhere, but because i am under 18 with no work experience no one wants to hire me. so if nobody needs me, i'll guess i'll just leave. have fun dealing with this fucked up world.
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I just got out of rehab and I can't even stay sober for a whole day.
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self-harm
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i just got out of rehab and i can't even stay sober for a whole day.
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if i was to fall around 850ft onto concrete how likely am i to die
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self-harm
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if i was to fall around 850ft onto concrete how likely am i to die
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My entire family is dead. My parents, grandparents and I barely have any friends. I thought I was going to grow old with this woman. I have no where to go. I feel pathetic, hurt, used, useless and like a damn fool. I really want my mom right now. (36F)
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self-harm
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my entire family is dead. my parents, grandparents and i barely have any friends. i thought i was going to grow old with this woman. i have no where to go. i feel pathetic, hurt, used, useless and like a damn fool. i really want my mom right now. (36f)
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I've had enough of this life. I don't think I was meant to live to 20. My heart is so heavy and I'm ready to feel nothing at all. I'm not even panicked like I thought I'd be. Knowing I'm near the end is oddly calming.
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self-harm
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i've had enough of this life. i don't think i was meant to live to 20. my heart is so heavy and i'm ready to feel nothing at all. i'm not even panicked like i thought i'd be. knowing i'm near the end is oddly calming.
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I’m so sick of living every day life. I’m going to be 30 in a couple months and I haven’t done anything with my life. I got rid of all my ‘’friends’’ like 8 years ago because they were toxic and were only my friends so they could use me; those are the only friends I could ever make, same with girlfriends, which I also haven’t had one of in 8 years, but that stuff isn’t important. I hang out with my Mom every night and it’s been keeping me alive since 8 years ago. Without her, I would end it. The rest of my family is around but they don’t like the real me, and I know they all consider me a huge burden/loser. I’m in constant physical pain from several conditions because I never took care of myself growing up. I don’t want to make any changes to better my health, I don’t want to go to a doctor, I don’t care about any of that bullshit. I just wish I could die in my sleep one night. Leave the world peacefully. The pain has kept me from enjoying life’s basic things. And as far as a girlfriend, let’s just say I am the least well endowed person on the entire planet, so we all know how that goes. And besides I’m too messed up and ugly and fat for anyone to like anyways. I just want the pain to end, the emotional pain, and the physical pain. I’m sick of living this way. It’ll only get worse. Oh well. Guess another night of me going to sleep depressed with some music...
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self-harm
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i'm so sick of living every day life. i'm going to be 30 in a couple months and i haven't done anything with my life. i got rid of all my ''friends'' like 8 years ago because they were toxic and were only my friends so they could use me; those are the only friends i could ever make, same with girlfriends, which i also haven't had one of in 8 years, but that stuff isn't important. i hang out with my mom every night and it's been keeping me alive since 8 years ago. without her, i would end it. the rest of my family is around but they don't like the real me, and i know they all consider me a huge burden/loser. i'm in constant physical pain from several conditions because i never took care of myself growing up. i don't want to make any changes to better my health, i don't want to go to a doctor, i don't care about any of that bullshit. i just wish i could die in my sleep one night. leave the world peacefully. the pain has kept me from enjoying life's basic things. and as far as a girlfriend, let's just say i am the least well endowed person on the entire planet, so we all know how that goes. and besides i'm too messed up and ugly and fat for anyone to like anyways. i just want the pain to end, the emotional pain, and the physical pain. i'm sick of living this way. it'll only get worse. oh well. guess another night of me going to sleep depressed with some music..
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I fucking hate it. I have just procastinated and wasted the whole quarantine days. And now when my uni will reopen, I don't have the courage to attend and see all those selfish folks getting placed. I. JUST. CANT. My country is shit, can't afford to drop out and start anew. Haven't left my house in months and have zero friend. I can't do this anymore, I just wanna disappear from this country and selfish people here. But that's also not possible since I don't have any qualification yet. I am so fucking depressed, don't know what to do anymore. Lol, can't even remember when was the last time I was happy.. just wanna end this freaking shitty life that I didn't sign up for.
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self-harm
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i fucking hate it. i have just procastinated and wasted the whole quarantine days. and now when my uni will reopen, i don't have the courage to attend and see all those selfish folks getting placed. i. just. cant. my country is shit, can't afford to drop out and start anew. haven't left my house in months and have zero friend. i can't do this anymore, i just wanna disappear from this country and selfish people here. but that's also not possible since i don't have any qualification yet. i am so fucking depressed, don't know what to do anymore. lol, can't even remember when was the last time i was happy.. just wanna end this freaking shitty life that i didn't sign up for.
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I just took two 60mgprozacs and like mouthfuls of Jack Daniel and i feel so happy dudes. Im sorry for doing this. Maybe this happiness is what i need to keep going in a weird way? idk. Im sorry
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self-harm
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i just took two 60mgprozacs and like mouthfuls of jack daniel and i feel so happy dudes. im sorry for doing this. maybe this happiness is what i need to keep going in a weird way? idk. im sorry
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First off I would like to say that I am well aware of the fact that I have it better off than probably most people who post here. I'm not trying to be entitled or anything. But it goes to show that even if you're given everything you need by your family you can still feel this way. My case in point.
I'm 19, and I still live with either my mom and stepdad or grandparents (I go between the two places). I was raised with everything I might need, and have lived a comfortable life. However, last September, I began to feel different. That was my first semester in college, and I really didn't like the major I was in. I wanted to get out of it, and so I did. After 2nd semester I officially changed my major to something maybe I might enjoy(?). But nonetheless, I still feel terrible.
That first semester my grades were subpar, at least for my standards. But I began to feel like I was never going to go anywhere. I couldn't see my future, and I still can't. I began to lose motivation to do anything, and now I barely even have the motivation/will to live. Yesterday was the first day I told anyone in my family, my mom, that I had very little will to live.
I was forced into doing so, but yesterday I applied for several jobs. I haven't had an official job before, just miscellaneous things I did for family members and got paid some cash for. My mom said it would somehow make me better. But hell, I don't even have the motivation to do that. I feel like I can't do something everyone else can; it's not that I don't feel I'm capable, but with my mental state I'm not sure I can. And because of this, I feel absolutely pathetic. I don't feel that forcing me to do something I have no will to do is going to make me feel any better. Just look at the fact I'm living-- well I guess no one is forcing me to live, but every day I feel worse and worse, because I almost don't want to anymore.
I knew this day was going to come, but I didn't think it would be so soon. I never really imagined being this close to wanting to end everything, at least not yet. Like I said before, I couldn't see my future, and so I imagined I probably wouldn't last long after I graduate. I wondered why I'm even going to school anyways if that's how it's gonna end.
I get chastised often by my mom for being on my PC all day or playing video games, but there's a reason for this. When I'm doing these things, I at least forget about my troubles and feel happy for once. But obviously I can't live like that forever, and I don't know what else I can do when that life comes to an end.
The only few reasons I continue to feel like living is because I want to continue being with my friends, and I love to watch new TV series or videos online, and read comics. But obviously I can't do that when I'm dead. But I guess when you're dead you don't really care. But in addition to this, I have just a very minuscule shard of hope that things will get better. But I fail to see this become more likely with each day.
People might suggest therapy, counseling, or talking to a helpline; my mom told me when school starts back up, she'll help me get a counselor on campus. But what exactly are they going to do? I doubt they could do much, if anything. Just talking isn't going to help me, so I think that things like a helpline or counselor won't really help.
When I told my mom I didn't feel much will to live anymore, I absolutely burst into tears. I can't even remember the last time I'd done that, but I was being absolutely sincere when I said it. It was so hard for me to actually get it out of my mouth, too. My mom just said it was fear, but I don't think that's totally true. What I'm scared of isn't my future, but instead is the fact I can't see myself having one. I feel like I just am not ready for life. It's not like I chose to be born, no one was. But at this point, if I had known my life was gonna come to this point, I honestly don't think I would've chosen to be.
I just can't think of anything that can help me. Again, every day I feel worse and worse. I know I said I have a few things that keep me feeling like I want to live, but eventually I think this feeling of not wanting to anymore will overcome those things. So, why do I even bother anymore?
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self-harm
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first off i would like to say that i am well aware of the fact that i have it better off than probably most people who post here. i'm not trying to be entitled or anything. but it goes to show that even if you're given everything you need by your family you can still feel this way. my case in point. i'm 19, and i still live with either my mom and stepdad or grandparents (i go between the two places). i was raised with everything i might need, and have lived a comfortable life. however, last september, i began to feel different. that was my first semester in college, and i really didn't like the major i was in. i wanted to get out of it, and so i did. after 2nd semester i officially changed my major to something maybe i might enjoy(?). but nonetheless, i still feel terrible. that first semester my grades were subpar, at least for my standards. but i began to feel like i was never going to go anywhere. i couldn't see my future, and i still can't. i began to lose motivation to do anything, and now i barely even have the motivation/will to live. yesterday was the first day i told anyone in my family, my mom, that i had very little will to live. i was forced into doing so, but yesterday i applied for several jobs. i haven't had an official job before, just miscellaneous things i did for family members and got paid some cash for. my mom said it would somehow make me better. but hell, i don't even have the motivation to do that. i feel like i can't do something everyone else can; it's not that i don't feel i'm capable, but with my mental state i'm not sure i can. and because of this, i feel absolutely pathetic. i don't feel that forcing me to do something i have no will to do is going to make me feel any better. just look at the fact i'm living-- well i guess no one is forcing me to live, but every day i feel worse and worse, because i almost don't want to anymore. i knew this day was going to come, but i didn't think it would be so soon. i never really imagined being this close to wanting to end everything, at least not yet. like i said before, i couldn't see my future, and so i imagined i probably wouldn't last long after i graduate. i wondered why i'm even going to school anyways if that's how it's gonna end. i get chastised often by my mom for being on my pc all day or playing video games, but there's a reason for this. when i'm doing these things, i at least forget about my troubles and feel happy for once. but obviously i can't live like that forever, and i don't know what else i can do when that life comes to an end. the only few reasons i continue to feel like living is because i want to continue being with my friends, and i love to watch new tv series or videos online, and read comics. but obviously i can't do that when i'm dead. but i guess when you're dead you don't really care. but in addition to this, i have just a very minuscule shard of hope that things will get better. but i fail to see this become more likely with each day. people might suggest therapy, counseling, or talking to a helpline; my mom told me when school starts back up, she'll help me get a counselor on campus. but what exactly are they going to do? i doubt they could do much, if anything. just talking isn't going to help me, so i think that things like a helpline or counselor won't really help. when i told my mom i didn't feel much will to live anymore, i absolutely burst into tears. i can't even remember the last time i'd done that, but i was being absolutely sincere when i said it. it was so hard for me to actually get it out of my mouth, too. my mom just said it was fear, but i don't think that's totally true. what i'm scared of isn't my future, but instead is the fact i can't see myself having one. i feel like i just am not ready for life. it's not like i chose to be born, no one was. but at this point, if i had known my life was gonna come to this point, i honestly don't think i would've chosen to be. i just can't think of anything that can help me. again, every day i feel worse and worse. i know i said i have a few things that keep me feeling like i want to live, but eventually i think this feeling of not wanting to anymore will overcome those things. so, why do i even bother anymore?
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I've had enough of everything. Everyday is painful and it just keeps getting worse. I don't want to do it anymore. I live in the UK and I'm quite young so I don't really know how I can end my life properly. Can anyone help?
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self-harm
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i've had enough of everything. everyday is painful and it just keeps getting worse. i don't want to do it anymore. i live in the uk and i'm quite young so i don't really know how i can end my life properly. can anyone help?
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I can't hang myself because there's no where high enough. I can't take pills because my mom locked them all away. I won't cut myself because that has a low success rate, and would be extremely painful. I can't suffocate myself with a bag because I get too scared and chicken out. Anyone got any ideas?
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self-harm
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i can't hang myself because there's no where high enough. i can't take pills because my mom locked them all away. i won't cut myself because that has a low success rate, and would be extremely painful. i can't suffocate myself with a bag because i get too scared and chicken out. anyone got any ideas?
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I'm sat here with the knot around my neck, ready to kill myself... I've written out my notes and everything, but I cant work up the fucking courage to actually do it. I keep thinking to myself what if I'm found too soon and wake up but with debilitating issues, or what if my family sees me in some horrific state... but at this point I feel that my choices are either this, or a life of being an alcoholic or drug abuser, and I dont want to live like that...
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self-harm
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i'm sat here with the knot around my neck, ready to kill myself.. i've written out my notes and everything, but i cant work up the fucking courage to actually do it. i keep thinking to myself what if i'm found too soon and wake up but with debilitating issues, or what if my family sees me in some horrific state.. but at this point i feel that my choices are either this, or a life of being an alcoholic or drug abuser, and i dont want to live like that..
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i have ptsd/cptsd from being abused since birth until i turned 14 and was taken into cps custody (almost a year ago)
i recently lied to my friends (not with ill intent) because i was scared and i hurt everyone deeply. im slipping back into old habits but worse so badly. i think ive gotten all the medical help that i can, and im as healed as ill ever be.
but its not healed enough.
the only things i have to live for are my boyfriend and dog. i hurt him too however, hes not upset but im upset.
honestly i just wanna sleep and never ever get up. it feels like the only chance of peace ill have is through the bullet.
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self-harm
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i have ptsd/cptsd from being abused since birth until i turned 14 and was taken into cps custody (almost a year ago) i recently lied to my friends (not with ill intent) because i was scared and i hurt everyone deeply. im slipping back into old habits but worse so badly. i think ive gotten all the medical help that i can, and im as healed as ill ever be. but its not healed enough. the only things i have to live for are my boyfriend and dog. i hurt him too however, hes not upset but im upset. honestly i just wanna sleep and never ever get up. it feels like the only chance of peace ill have is through the bullet.
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I wasn't thinking about suicide for a fucking month. But everything's changed again, my parents are fighting constantly and my report card came back with the lowest grades I've ever fucking gotten. And here I am, wishing we had enough pills to actually do *something* for once in my pathetic fucking life.
Everyone I know would be better off without me. My parents wouldn't try and stick together for me, despite them being miserable, my teachers wouldn't have to waste time on me and my friends wouldn't have to try and stay in contact with me. They'd be so much happier.
I'm just so done. I hate living like this. I hate myself. I hate everything about this fucked up world. I don't want to keep trying. *I'm so fucking done.*
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self-harm
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i wasn't thinking about suicide for a fucking month. but everything's changed again, my parents are fighting constantly and my report card came back with the lowest grades i've ever fucking gotten. and here i am, wishing we had enough pills to actually do *something* for once in my pathetic fucking life. everyone i know would be better off without me. my parents wouldn't try and stick together for me, despite them being miserable, my teachers wouldn't have to waste time on me and my friends wouldn't have to try and stay in contact with me. they'd be so much happier. i'm just so done. i hate living like this. i hate myself. i hate everything about this fucked up world. i don't want to keep trying. *i'm so fucking done.*
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Let me tell you my sad story im 21 male well in september (if i live to then) got drugged sexually assaulted by another male in a foreign country so i dropped out of med school and returned home they filmed video and spread it in my hometown not only that but they hacked my pc and recorded me saying to mum i got raped and spread aswell now everyone blames me for it fun fact im 6ft8 everyone outside bullies me for it
Conclusion : destroyed academical life
Destroyed social and most of all destroyed mental health .
For shit like this suicide is a good way out solution.
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self-harm
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let me tell you my sad story im 21 male well in september (if i live to then) got drugged sexually assaulted by another male in a foreign country so i dropped out of med school and returned home they filmed video and spread it in my hometown not only that but they hacked my pc and recorded me saying to mum i got raped and spread aswell now everyone blames me for it fun fact im 6ft8 everyone outside bullies me for it conclusion : destroyed academical life destroyed social and most of all destroyed mental health . for shit like this suicide is a good way out solution.
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I’m in a spot where I bounce between contemplating suicide and believing in myself that I can grow and move past my struggles. But today has just been so draining and even though I met with my new therapist and was hopefully now I just feel like nobody understands or cares what I’m going through. I had recently stopped taking my medication so I have been dealing with withdrawal symptoms which are very scary and uncomfortable but being off them allows me to experience a wild range of emotions I haven’t been able to feel in a long time.
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self-harm
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i'm in a spot where i bounce between contemplating suicide and believing in myself that i can grow and move past my struggles. but today has just been so draining and even though i met with my new therapist and was hopefully now i just feel like nobody understands or cares what i'm going through. i had recently stopped taking my medication so i have been dealing with withdrawal symptoms which are very scary and uncomfortable but being off them allows me to experience a wild range of emotions i haven't been able to feel in a long time.
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I have nothing, no dreams, ambitions, desires, no family that care, no friends, i am alone. and i mess up my life.
just really getting there with those thoughts and its slowly comforting to know im getting there
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self-harm
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i have nothing, no dreams, ambitions, desires, no family that care, no friends, i am alone. and i mess up my life. just really getting there with those thoughts and its slowly comforting to know im getting there
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They found a mass on one of the bones in my face today at the hospital.
When I went to go pick up my prescription, my card declined.
I can’t even afford to go to the dentist or oral surgeon.
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self-harm
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they found a mass on one of the bones in my face today at the hospital. when i went to go pick up my prescription, my card declined. i can't even afford to go to the dentist or oral surgeon.
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I'M GONNA DO IT FUCK IT
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self-harm
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i'm gonna do it fuck it
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Quick summary! I am only 21 y.o. but I have a lot going on! Intergenerational trauma on my mother's side of the family. Pure evil on the important (to my existence) father's side of the family - to the point where my father tried to kill my mother and me and he may have killed my dog. My mother is chronically ill. I have been more than half my life in poverty. The house she and I live in belongs legally to my father and only to him. I've studied a university degree that can only worsen my mental health. My life is an unfunny joke, I have self-hate, depression, cPTSD, chronic sleep insomnia, overall horrible health, terrible coping mechanisms, etc. I miss my dog so much. And so much stuff that is left out of the summary.
I have no agency in my life and today a close friend who knows this shamed me/ tried to persuade me not to kill myself. I mean??? I'm only human!!? There's people who can't handle one relatively minor thing such as being a virgin and I am supposed to carry all these baggage all my life?? Fuck you world, fuck you family, fuck my lack of help and agency.
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self-harm
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quick summary! i am only 21 y.o. but i have a lot going on! intergenerational trauma on my mother's side of the family. pure evil on the important (to my existence) father's side of the family - to the point where my father tried to kill my mother and me and he may have killed my dog. my mother is chronically ill. i have been more than half my life in poverty. the house she and i live in belongs legally to my father and only to him. i've studied a university degree that can only worsen my mental health. my life is an unfunny joke, i have self-hate, depression, cptsd, chronic sleep insomnia, overall horrible health, terrible coping mechanisms, etc. i miss my dog so much. and so much stuff that is left out of the summary. i have no agency in my life and today a close friend who knows this shamed me/ tried to persuade me not to kill myself. i mean?? i'm only human!!? there's people who can't handle one relatively minor thing such as being a virgin and i am supposed to carry all these baggage all my life?? fuck you world, fuck you family, fuck my lack of help and agency.
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Recently my ex has come back up after breaking it off for about a year saying sorry about everything and says her grandparents (whom are racist dirtbags whom abused her in an incredible fashion that nearly sends me into a rage) said I spread her nudes and lied about evidence to split us up and get emotions overwhelm her and she believes them when she should believe me far more. Apon returning she barely talks to me, taking 10+ minutes at least 90% of the time to respond with me always being there person to start the conversation and recently my grandfather passed and it hit me pretty hard. She went to the viewing with me and we spent some time together afterwards and cheered each other up and some of our old love and chemistry showing itself when I asked for a hug in my car (I'm loving and very tactile) and it turned into a cuddle. Next came his ceremony where he got his honor gaurd and the last time we'd say goodbye before cremation and being put to rest with other soldiers and she couldn't come but we made plans the previous day that we'd spend time together and I texted her in the morning and on the way home from the ceremony with no answer, come about 8 at night she finally comes back up saying yeah let's go out but when I show up she isn't there and says she went out for fireworks. She knows I'm in extreme pain although not likely knowing that I'm toying with a knife thinking of it's blade piercing my neck in my car outside her house. She eventually tells me to go home because she has to talk to her housemates parents and we plan for tomorrow but she never responds a time even though its not even 9 yet. You can guess that tomorrow I get no response so at about 4 today I texted her accusing her off playing with me and similar stuff and her response is that she was helping her grandmother (that I was talking about earlier) plan her funeral, the day I was at my grandfather's funeral. Apparently she was doing that today as well even though she made plans with me AGAIN. The only fights we've had is because she listens to her grandparents and she lets her emotions get the best of her and this time it wasn't a misunderstanding, she accused me of not caring when she ignored me knowing I was in pain for two days and yet she never fills me in on anything doesn't talk to me or give any real effort.
Thank you for reading this all the way through and while I'll probably ignore it I wouldn't mind someone putting in their two cents
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self-harm
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recently my ex has come back up after breaking it off for about a year saying sorry about everything and says her grandparents (whom are racist dirtbags whom abused her in an incredible fashion that nearly sends me into a rage) said i spread her nudes and lied about evidence to split us up and get emotions overwhelm her and she believes them when she should believe me far more. apon returning she barely talks to me, taking 10+ minutes at least 90% of the time to respond with me always being there person to start the conversation and recently my grandfather passed and it hit me pretty hard. she went to the viewing with me and we spent some time together afterwards and cheered each other up and some of our old love and chemistry showing itself when i asked for a hug in my car (i'm loving and very tactile) and it turned into a cuddle. next came his ceremony where he got his honor gaurd and the last time we'd say goodbye before cremation and being put to rest with other soldiers and she couldn't come but we made plans the previous day that we'd spend time together and i texted her in the morning and on the way home from the ceremony with no answer, come about 8 at night she finally comes back up saying yeah let's go out but when i show up she isn't there and says she went out for fireworks. she knows i'm in extreme pain although not likely knowing that i'm toying with a knife thinking of it's blade piercing my neck in my car outside her house. she eventually tells me to go home because she has to talk to her housemates parents and we plan for tomorrow but she never responds a time even though its not even 9 yet. you can guess that tomorrow i get no response so at about 4 today i texted her accusing her off playing with me and similar stuff and her response is that she was helping her grandmother (that i was talking about earlier) plan her funeral, the day i was at my grandfather's funeral. apparently she was doing that today as well even though she made plans with me again. the only fights we've had is because she listens to her grandparents and she lets her emotions get the best of her and this time it wasn't a misunderstanding, she accused me of not caring when she ignored me knowing i was in pain for two days and yet she never fills me in on anything doesn't talk to me or give any real effort. thank you for reading this all the way through and while i'll probably ignore it i wouldn't mind someone putting in their two cents
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when i close my eyes all i see is my body hanging, wrists slashed like a hog made to be bled out.
i just want to sleep; i work early. i can’t. took some painkillers and sleepmeds. thought it’d numb me up a bit so i could rest, but i’m as awake as ever. i should’ve taken more.
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self-harm
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when i close my eyes all i see is my body hanging, wrists slashed like a hog made to be bled out. i just want to sleep; i work early. i can't. took some painkillers and sleepmeds. thought it'd numb me up a bit so i could rest, but i'm as awake as ever. i should've taken more.
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I think this is the worst day of my life.
I watched all Dr K and Reckful videos about his depression and they gave me a lot of hope. He seemed fine in his latest videos, and said he was genuinely happy after lunching his game. Got the news of his suicide on 7am, just 1 hour and a half before my driving license exam, which I worked so hard to pass, and failed because I was so out of it. As they say, suicide is contagious and I'm making a big effort to not fuck it up.
I've been depressed for almost 2 years now and when I was close to taking the fast exist I went to the doctor because that seemed like the only other solution to the problem. (This was on February)
The doctor gave me an appointment with a psych 3 months later, so I waited patiently with that date in my mind to remain strong. Then corona happened and it was delayed another 3 more months, being the new date the 7th of July. Some relatives have talked very recently about their medical appointments being cancelled because of little corona infections happening again and I'm so terrified. I'm to o scared to call and ask if it has been canceled. I don't think I can do this until September alone.
I also have the university entrance exam on 6th of July (2 days left) and I haven't even started to study because I simply can't do it so I have probably already ruined my future.
I just need something to tie me here, an upvote, a comment, something to watch at 4 am high and drunk wanting it all to end. Please, I beg you.
I will post updates every two days at least
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self-harm
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i think this is the worst day of my life. i watched all dr k and reckful videos about his depression and they gave me a lot of hope. he seemed fine in his latest videos, and said he was genuinely happy after lunching his game. got the news of his suicide on 7am, just 1 hour and a half before my driving license exam, which i worked so hard to pass, and failed because i was so out of it. as they say, suicide is contagious and i'm making a big effort to not fuck it up. i've been depressed for almost 2 years now and when i was close to taking the fast exist i went to the doctor because that seemed like the only other solution to the problem. (this was on february) the doctor gave me an appointment with a psych 3 months later, so i waited patiently with that date in my mind to remain strong. then corona happened and it was delayed another 3 more months, being the new date the 7th of july. some relatives have talked very recently about their medical appointments being cancelled because of little corona infections happening again and i'm so terrified. i'm to o scared to call and ask if it has been canceled. i don't think i can do this until september alone. i also have the university entrance exam on 6th of july (2 days left) and i haven't even started to study because i simply can't do it so i have probably already ruined my future. i just need something to tie me here, an upvote, a comment, something to watch at 4 am high and drunk wanting it all to end. please, i beg you. i will post updates every two days at least
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I just feel like life is too much, and that work or tedious tasks make me wanna end it. It just sucks having to do work to live. I feel like humans were put on Earth to enjoy it, not to be monitored constantly through forms of work or school. It just kind of halts life and makes us stress out over completely artifical things created by humans. This is a world I don't want to live in if it means I have to work just to exist. I could understand easier work such as working enough for food and family but this isn't the case for many as we are debt slaves.
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self-harm
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i just feel like life is too much, and that work or tedious tasks make me wanna end it. it just sucks having to do work to live. i feel like humans were put on earth to enjoy it, not to be monitored constantly through forms of work or school. it just kind of halts life and makes us stress out over completely artifical things created by humans. this is a world i don't want to live in if it means i have to work just to exist. i could understand easier work such as working enough for food and family but this isn't the case for many as we are debt slaves.
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I need friends, I feel bad, we can talk about stuff and not being toxic. What about best friends? You might be far but I don't really care. I just need someone to talk to and care, I'll try my best.
I wanna die, I wanna cut, but I don't want to, I don't want to fall in this shit again, please, please. I will check this reddit in the morning when I unhopefully wake up.
And somehow sometimes I convince myself that I'm faking it.
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self-harm
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i need friends, i feel bad, we can talk about stuff and not being toxic. what about best friends? you might be far but i don't really care. i just need someone to talk to and care, i'll try my best. i wanna die, i wanna cut, but i don't want to, i don't want to fall in this shit again, please, please. i will check this reddit in the morning when i unhopefully wake up. and somehow sometimes i convince myself that i'm faking it.
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I just got let go from my job, just as I thought my life couldn’t get any worse. It time for me. I’m going to go buy a gun, and end it all. I can’t take the pain, the loneliness, and frustration anymore. I’m going to get evicted from my apartment with no where to go. When people tell you that it gets better, what they really mean is it just keeps getting worse and worse until you get to a point where your tired of the disappointment.
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self-harm
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i just got let go from my job, just as i thought my life couldn't get any worse. it time for me. i'm going to go buy a gun, and end it all. i can't take the pain, the loneliness, and frustration anymore. i'm going to get evicted from my apartment with no where to go. when people tell you that it gets better, what they really mean is it just keeps getting worse and worse until you get to a point where your tired of the disappointment.
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I tried to kill myself twice in my yet so young life. I don´t have any hope left that it will get better. I´ve been struggling with mental health a big part of my life and I don´t bring up the motivation anymore to even try to get better. I´m stuck being traumatized by the past and not wanting to continue to see the future. Any time I got happy or thought that it maybe has gotten better, I fell even deeper. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm clueless and hopeless.
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self-harm
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i tried to kill myself twice in my yet so young life. i don't have any hope left that it will get better. i've been struggling with mental health a big part of my life and i don't bring up the motivation anymore to even try to get better. i'm stuck being traumatized by the past and not wanting to continue to see the future. any time i got happy or thought that it maybe has gotten better, i fell even deeper. i don't know what to do anymore. i'm clueless and hopeless.
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Last night my boyfriend started slamming my head into the head board of our bed. And I punched him in the face to get him off of me.. he DOES NOT remember doing that to me all he remembers is I punched him. So now he broke up with me and is throwing me out of our house. I have been throw so damn much throughout my life. From being a mother to my own mother for over a decade, to abuse, and now to loose someone I had a reason to live for. Now I have nothing. I have planned this for a while.. I have everything prepared. I'm just trying to get the courage to do so. I want to apologize to my parents. But my heart has been broken. I have no one to talk to. And I am so alone. Honestly, no one needs me. If it wasn't for the letter I sent no one would even know I'd be gone. I've made peace with myself, and with God. He doesn't really speak to me. However, that's alright. I've made peace with that as well.
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self-harm
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last night my boyfriend started slamming my head into the head board of our bed. and i punched him in the face to get him off of me.. he does not remember doing that to me all he remembers is i punched him. so now he broke up with me and is throwing me out of our house. i have been throw so damn much throughout my life. from being a mother to my own mother for over a decade, to abuse, and now to loose someone i had a reason to live for. now i have nothing. i have planned this for a while.. i have everything prepared. i'm just trying to get the courage to do so. i want to apologize to my parents. but my heart has been broken. i have no one to talk to. and i am so alone. honestly, no one needs me. if it wasn't for the letter i sent no one would even know i'd be gone. i've made peace with myself, and with god. he doesn't really speak to me. however, that's alright. i've made peace with that as well.
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I just went out of my comfort zone and told girl that I think my like me that's pretty if I get called a creep I'm fucking killing my self tonight ill keep updated I hope this goes well and I find a relationship thumbs crossed.
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self-harm
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i just went out of my comfort zone and told girl that i think my like me that's pretty if i get called a creep i'm fucking killing my self tonight ill keep updated i hope this goes well and i find a relationship thumbs crossed.
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I was considering putting this on r/offmychest but you tend to feel kinda bad putting your post next to the handful of posts filled with happy people who just so happened to get engaged during a freaking pandemic.
Life isn't really good atm. Not like 'virus is about, society is collapsing' bad, but like 'Life is soup, I am fork' bad. It's like if God decided Jesus' death wasn't enough and decided to hand select me to die on cross #2 for post-armageddon's sins.
Yours truly was abused and bullied up until he was about 14 to 15 years old. I was considering jumping off an apartment when I was 14. Strawberry sauce at ground floor, yknow? I didn't really want to die just yet... I decided to make 'the choice'.
If u spray a field with DEET chemicals, insects in the field either die or adapt. Apparently being the unwanted insect that nobody wanted, I chose to adapt. Every day HURTS, but I still keep going yknow? I wanted friends, grades, happiness... And I worked hard at getting them. I fought hard to get my grades straight... Tried to make myself happy...
Then I realised... Not a lot of people like me. I live on a different plane of existence, where I can't mingle or talk with people without sacrificing who I truly am. When I try to change my attitude... my approach... they still don't stay.
When you're nice, they take your stuff and leave. When you're mean, they stay a little longer! But only so they can deliver the 'last say' if you catch my drift.
When you stop saying anything and let them come to you, they don't come! And when you try a little too hard, you're annoying. I never really felt comfortable or significantly happy at all.
I tried everything. I didn't care if I was worth it or not, I'm going to have a happy life regardless! No one's obligated to talk to me? Well, people talked to me anyways! 'Once you get friends, you're in the matrix!' Why I would love a large helping of blue pills, Mr mental health guru.
This isn't it. I'm just so upset and sewer slidal (my phone autocorrected that I'm keeping it). I'm set for a happy-ish life but right now, I'm just a couple few barbequeues short of a smiley guy.
Come to think of it, strawberry sauce seems like a pretty good option atm.
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self-harm
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i was considering putting this on r/offmychest but you tend to feel kinda bad putting your post next to the handful of posts filled with happy people who just so happened to get engaged during a freaking pandemic. life isn't really good atm. not like 'virus is about, society is collapsing' bad, but like 'life is soup, i am fork' bad. it's like if god decided jesus' death wasn't enough and decided to hand select me to die on cross #2 for post-armageddon's sins. yours truly was abused and bullied up until he was about 14 to 15 years old. i was considering jumping off an apartment when i was 14. strawberry sauce at ground floor, yknow? i didn't really want to die just yet.. i decided to make 'the choice'. if u spray a field with deet chemicals, insects in the field either die or adapt. apparently being the unwanted insect that nobody wanted, i chose to adapt. every day hurts, but i still keep going yknow? i wanted friends, grades, happiness.. and i worked hard at getting them. i fought hard to get my grades straight.. tried to make myself happy.. then i realised.. not a lot of people like me. i live on a different plane of existence, where i can't mingle or talk with people without sacrificing who i truly am. when i try to change my attitude.. my approach.. they still don't stay. when you're nice, they take your stuff and leave. when you're mean, they stay a little longer! but only so they can deliver the 'last say' if you catch my drift. when you stop saying anything and let them come to you, they don't come! and when you try a little too hard, you're annoying. i never really felt comfortable or significantly happy at all. i tried everything. i didn't care if i was worth it or not, i'm going to have a happy life regardless! no one's obligated to talk to me? well, people talked to me anyways! 'once you get friends, you're in the matrix!' why i would love a large helping of blue pills, mr mental health guru. this isn't it. i'm just so upset and sewer slidal (my phone autocorrected that i'm keeping it). i'm set for a happy-ish life but right now, i'm just a couple few barbequeues short of a smiley guy. come to think of it, strawberry sauce seems like a pretty good option atm.
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I used to be so depressed that I fucking gave up on everything contemplated suicide in the sense that I wanted to kill myself because I found no interest in life, but also didn't want to kill myself because I didn't care enough about anything.
There is one thing I've always cared about though, weakness, and one day I took a look at myself and I realised that for multiple reasons even aside from my depression I was pathetically weak and I hated it.
That was it, it's that hate that drove me forwards every single day to go outside of my comfort zone to be stronger.
I am absolutely disgusted by my weakness. So much so, that I dont care how long it takes, or how much longer I have to stay here and work and struggle, I will one day eradicate all of my weakness.
Hatred may be a strong poison, but it's an even stronger fuel.
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self-harm
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i used to be so depressed that i fucking gave up on everything contemplated suicide in the sense that i wanted to kill myself because i found no interest in life, but also didn't want to kill myself because i didn't care enough about anything. there is one thing i've always cared about though, weakness, and one day i took a look at myself and i realised that for multiple reasons even aside from my depression i was pathetically weak and i hated it. that was it, it's that hate that drove me forwards every single day to go outside of my comfort zone to be stronger. i am absolutely disgusted by my weakness. so much so, that i dont care how long it takes, or how much longer i have to stay here and work and struggle, i will one day eradicate all of my weakness. hatred may be a strong poison, but it's an even stronger fuel.
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I just don’t know what to do anymore.
It sucks that noones given the option of being born. And you can’t even leave life because every fucking way hurts people and yourself.
I’ve had depression my whole life and this year has been the worst for me. I hate it. I’m stuck inside and I don’t want to go outside because seeing everyone standing apart and all the masks just makes me so depressed. Depressed knowing that this is what life is going to be like from now on.
When school starts up again it’s gonna suck. It’s either shitty online school or standing 6 feet from everyone and not being able to really do anything. It’s not worth it. It’ll be my final year, and it’ll be wasted.
Everyday it just gets worse and worse, and even when I talk to friends and have fun, there’s still an underlying feeling of complete despair. And it always is there. I don’t feel at all like anything is worth living for and I wish that there was some way I could just - disappear. Painlessly and without making anyone sad I wish I could just be gone from existence.
Nothing is truly fun anymore; and I have no drive to to anything. I just keep thinking that I wish I was dead..
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self-harm
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i just don't know what to do anymore. it sucks that noones given the option of being born. and you can't even leave life because every fucking way hurts people and yourself. i've had depression my whole life and this year has been the worst for me. i hate it. i'm stuck inside and i don't want to go outside because seeing everyone standing apart and all the masks just makes me so depressed. depressed knowing that this is what life is going to be like from now on. when school starts up again it's gonna suck. it's either shitty online school or standing 6 feet from everyone and not being able to really do anything. it's not worth it. it'll be my final year, and it'll be wasted. everyday it just gets worse and worse, and even when i talk to friends and have fun, there's still an underlying feeling of complete despair. and it always is there. i don't feel at all like anything is worth living for and i wish that there was some way i could just - disappear. painlessly and without making anyone sad i wish i could just be gone from existence. nothing is truly fun anymore; and i have no drive to to anything. i just keep thinking that i wish i was dead..
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i’m in so much pain, he broke up with me after my friend had screenshots of him trying to have sex with her. idk what to do. how would i even be able to deal with this, why am i not good enough? i don’t want to be alone anymore and i wish i was dead. i wish i was never born.
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self-harm
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i'm in so much pain, he broke up with me after my friend had screenshots of him trying to have sex with her. idk what to do. how would i even be able to deal with this, why am i not good enough? i don't want to be alone anymore and i wish i was dead. i wish i was never born.
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So I poured a bottle of sleeping pills and a bottle of ibuprofen pm into a contigo 20oz canister, filled it with water and, well....
I'm not sure if I'll wake up some I was wondering if someone could notify next of kin in the morning (SoCal PST here) just in case.
This is serious.
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self-harm
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so i poured a bottle of sleeping pills and a bottle of ibuprofen pm into a contigo 20oz canister, filled it with water and, well.. i'm not sure if i'll wake up some i was wondering if someone could notify next of kin in the morning (socal pst here) just in case. this is serious.
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I’m 18 and I just graduated high school recently, sure I got a whole life ahead of me but, I don’t see myself living past 20. My depression has been on and off since I’ve been escaping to video games, anime, and music but recently it’s just unbearable. Crying to myself to sleep almost every night, I’m just done with life. I know I need help, I’m just a scared because if I do, my mom will make a big deal out of it and I’ll feel even more of a burden. I’m a coward for not seeking help and not being able to end my life.
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self-harm
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i'm 18 and i just graduated high school recently, sure i got a whole life ahead of me but, i don't see myself living past 20. my depression has been on and off since i've been escaping to video games, anime, and music but recently it's just unbearable. crying to myself to sleep almost every night, i'm just done with life. i know i need help, i'm just a scared because if i do, my mom will make a big deal out of it and i'll feel even more of a burden. i'm a coward for not seeking help and not being able to end my life.
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Someone out there please, I just need someone
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self-harm
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someone out there please, i just need someone
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i said something kinda bad a while back but didnt realise it, i just realised a friend i have kinda hates me. my heart is beating really fast and i feel like dying. i know im not gonna die because im such a fucking pussy but i still cant help but have the thoughts..
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self-harm
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i said something kinda bad a while back but didnt realise it, i just realised a friend i have kinda hates me. my heart is beating really fast and i feel like dying. i know im not gonna die because im such a fucking pussy but i still cant help but have the thoughts..
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I’m a 15F and I can’t handle life anymore. Im only living for my parents and friends because I know that they will be sad when I’m dead, but I feel like they don’t care about me now. I attempted suicide a few times in the past and I wish that it worked. Im currently considering killing myself, but I doubt that I will actually go through with it. Im privileged as shit and I have nothing to complain about, but I still feel like my life is unbearable. It takes something small to ruin my day and it takes something big to make me happy. I don’t enjoy any of my hobbies anymore and everything feels like a chore. I keep doing stupid things like over eatting or self harming and I always expect them to make me happy, but they never do. I tried opening up to people about my problems, but no one took me seriously or gave a shit. I just don’t know what to do.
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self-harm
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i'm a 15f and i can't handle life anymore. im only living for my parents and friends because i know that they will be sad when i'm dead, but i feel like they don't care about me now. i attempted suicide a few times in the past and i wish that it worked. im currently considering killing myself, but i doubt that i will actually go through with it. im privileged as shit and i have nothing to complain about, but i still feel like my life is unbearable. it takes something small to ruin my day and it takes something big to make me happy. i don't enjoy any of my hobbies anymore and everything feels like a chore. i keep doing stupid things like over eatting or self harming and i always expect them to make me happy, but they never do. i tried opening up to people about my problems, but no one took me seriously or gave a shit. i just don't know what to do.
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Hey idk how to start really I've just been sad for the most part not like unmovable sad but just sad for a good solid year and I can't really rely on anyone I've had people who I've spoke too and they all just end up leaving my parents don't care my family don't either. I'm just getting to the point where its too much to cope with living and I've been thinking of it just hanging myself no blood no mess just nice and simple but the only thing holding me back is my dog and a girl and idk how long she'll be in my life for she knows I'm sad but not to the extent of suicide but I guess that's how most people are you don't see the real side of them.
Thanks for reading but you could've spent this time helping someone important
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self-harm
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hey idk how to start really i've just been sad for the most part not like unmovable sad but just sad for a good solid year and i can't really rely on anyone i've had people who i've spoke too and they all just end up leaving my parents don't care my family don't either. i'm just getting to the point where its too much to cope with living and i've been thinking of it just hanging myself no blood no mess just nice and simple but the only thing holding me back is my dog and a girl and idk how long she'll be in my life for she knows i'm sad but not to the extent of suicide but i guess that's how most people are you don't see the real side of them. thanks for reading but you could've spent this time helping someone important
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My whole life i’ve just lost people. Everyone, has just been taken away from me in one way or another. My mother died of cancer, I lost my step siblings and stepdad when she died, I lost all of my friends after having to move 4 hours away to live with my dad, except he cheated on his fiance so I lost my main mother figure and my other step siblings. Moved schools again and lost more friends, I finally started to settle down and get comfortable with my surroundings after moving into a new apartment but of course my dad knocked up his new girlfriend and she moved us halfway across the country. I started my first romantic relationship which went south very quickly after he used suicide as a manipulation tactic. After being helped out of that I got with another friend who I was with for a long time, they admitted to only staying with me at the end because I seemed willing to have sex. I wasnt. I then finally found someone absolutely perfect. A dream. Of course, because everything in my life glitters and is never gold, after 2 years he decides he just wants to be single despite still being in love. I haven’t been able to maintain a regular friendship in years and part of me wonders if its for the best. If I should just leave everything behind because nothing is going to change and i’m tired of losing people for no reason. I’m tired of the pain, I just want it to stop. Even so, the cancer my mother had was genetic. I’ll probably be stage 4 by the end of college
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self-harm
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my whole life i've just lost people. everyone, has just been taken away from me in one way or another. my mother died of cancer, i lost my step siblings and stepdad when she died, i lost all of my friends after having to move 4 hours away to live with my dad, except he cheated on his fiance so i lost my main mother figure and my other step siblings. moved schools again and lost more friends, i finally started to settle down and get comfortable with my surroundings after moving into a new apartment but of course my dad knocked up his new girlfriend and she moved us halfway across the country. i started my first romantic relationship which went south very quickly after he used suicide as a manipulation tactic. after being helped out of that i got with another friend who i was with for a long time, they admitted to only staying with me at the end because i seemed willing to have sex. i wasnt. i then finally found someone absolutely perfect. a dream. of course, because everything in my life glitters and is never gold, after 2 years he decides he just wants to be single despite still being in love. i haven't been able to maintain a regular friendship in years and part of me wonders if its for the best. if i should just leave everything behind because nothing is going to change and i'm tired of losing people for no reason. i'm tired of the pain, i just want it to stop. even so, the cancer my mother had was genetic. i'll probably be stage 4 by the end of college
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I want to die
I guess I’m posting because I’m so alone. I have so many people I could reach out to but I don’t want to be a burden. I feel like shit.
I need help and can’t ask for it.
I just want to die. Why can’t I just have never existed?
Edit: I want to cut so bad. Thank god im not home but also I’m so afraid for my boyfriend to catch me crying.
I want to go home and cut. Maybe then I’d be able to sleep.
Edit 2 bc why not: this is so damn pathetic. Could have had a good evening? Wtf triggered me to ruin this?
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self-harm
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i want to die i guess i'm posting because i'm so alone. i have so many people i could reach out to but i don't want to be a burden. i feel like shit. i need help and can't ask for it. i just want to die. why can't i just have never existed? edit: i want to cut so bad. thank god im not home but also i'm so afraid for my boyfriend to catch me crying. i want to go home and cut. maybe then i'd be able to sleep. edit 2 bc why not: this is so damn pathetic. could have had a good evening? wtf triggered me to ruin this?
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I’ve been a long time sufferer of anxiety and depression. I’m at a point in my life now where I no longer fear death, in fact , I think about death/not existing and fantasize about it all the time. I see photos of before I was born and I can’t help but get so happy an nostalgic at a world where I didn’t exist. In conjunction with that, I constantly focus on ways to make my non-existence a reality. I hurt knowing I would leave my children behind, but the hurt and pain I feel about everything else is far worse and just not livable anymore. Im just tired of “being” and “existing”. It’s exhausting.
I had hopes of when I went into surgery a few months ago that I wouldn’t ever wake up again and I was so at peace with that. My doctors told me I was the calmest patient they ever saw before a surgery. Of course I was, I was so happy to be put under and escape this life in hopes I wouldn’t return. But here I am.
I also fantasize about how much shit my coworkers talk of me... rationalizing even more how worthless I am and not deserving of the life I have. My family would be fine... this I do know.
I had a close call a few days ago when a car coming the opposite direction crossed the yellow line and I have never felt more calm than in that moment. I was so ready.
I’m chicken shit for being a pussy about how to kill myself... but I fantasize about how I would do it all the time. It consumes any spare time I have. I intentionally block times off to think and imagine a world where I don’t exist.
I get so excited when I have the house to myself, too. I slam my head into the corners of the walls and will starve myself as punishment. It feels so good to do these things.
I look forward to not existing. At least that is something that’s a given. It’s all I look forward to and fantasize about.
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self-harm
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i've been a long time sufferer of anxiety and depression. i'm at a point in my life now where i no longer fear death, in fact , i think about death/not existing and fantasize about it all the time. i see photos of before i was born and i can't help but get so happy an nostalgic at a world where i didn't exist. in conjunction with that, i constantly focus on ways to make my non-existence a reality. i hurt knowing i would leave my children behind, but the hurt and pain i feel about everything else is far worse and just not livable anymore. im just tired of "being" and "existing". it's exhausting. i had hopes of when i went into surgery a few months ago that i wouldn't ever wake up again and i was so at peace with that. my doctors told me i was the calmest patient they ever saw before a surgery. of course i was, i was so happy to be put under and escape this life in hopes i wouldn't return. but here i am. i also fantasize about how much shit my coworkers talk of me.. rationalizing even more how worthless i am and not deserving of the life i have. my family would be fine.. this i do know. i had a close call a few days ago when a car coming the opposite direction crossed the yellow line and i have never felt more calm than in that moment. i was so ready. i'm chicken shit for being a pussy about how to kill myself.. but i fantasize about how i would do it all the time. it consumes any spare time i have. i intentionally block times off to think and imagine a world where i don't exist. i get so excited when i have the house to myself, too. i slam my head into the corners of the walls and will starve myself as punishment. it feels so good to do these things. i look forward to not existing. at least that is something that's a given. it's all i look forward to and fantasize about.
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I feel like down to my bone marrow I'm destined to somehow find a way to fuck everything up. It's like ingrained into my being. My thought turns into action (or lack of), action turns into consequences. Sabotage is my essence. I drove my best friend to wanting to kill himself, because I'm not there for him. I'm not there for myself. Im pretending to be me, I lost my confidence and I'm always in my head, which manifests into my relationships. I have to pretend to be some form of myself, and it never works out. Whenever I feel like i'm doing something right, my brain finds a way to throw some information at me that fucks me up. Tried meditating, cognitive behavioral stuff, diet and exercise, but I always end up back at the same spot. This shit seems to affect me on all perceivable levels.
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self-harm
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i feel like down to my bone marrow i'm destined to somehow find a way to fuck everything up. it's like ingrained into my being. my thought turns into action (or lack of), action turns into consequences. sabotage is my essence. i drove my best friend to wanting to kill himself, because i'm not there for him. i'm not there for myself. im pretending to be me, i lost my confidence and i'm always in my head, which manifests into my relationships. i have to pretend to be some form of myself, and it never works out. whenever i feel like i'm doing something right, my brain finds a way to throw some information at me that fucks me up. tried meditating, cognitive behavioral stuff, diet and exercise, but i always end up back at the same spot. this shit seems to affect me on all perceivable levels.
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I have nothing left to live for because my life gets worse and worse each week. This year of my life is somehow more painful than the year I was stalked and sexually assaulted. My roommates hate me and they were what kept me from suicide bc I knew finding me dead would kill them now I know they wouldn’t be too bothered by it at all. The decision to end my life is pretty easy now.
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self-harm
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i have nothing left to live for because my life gets worse and worse each week. this year of my life is somehow more painful than the year i was stalked and sexually assaulted. my roommates hate me and they were what kept me from suicide bc i knew finding me dead would kill them now i know they wouldn't be too bothered by it at all. the decision to end my life is pretty easy now.
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Im really scared. But its a dilema. I know its what everyone is telling me to do, its what the universe is asking, but im too coward.
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self-harm
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im really scared. but its a dilema. i know its what everyone is telling me to do, its what the universe is asking, but im too coward.
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Yeah I’m done I’ve basically decided that I can’t have any nice things anymore. I wanna hurt myself so bad and I’m not sure if I can control the urge. Life is utterly meaningless to me because when I try to give it meaning everything goes down the drain because I’m a piece of garbage. I can’t have nice things because when I do I’m always below someone else. I can’t be close to someone without there being some sort of catch. I can’t live my life without every day messing something up. I’m so done and I’ve pretty much accepted that. I keep telling myself I’m gonna kill myself and I don’t know when or how or what but yeah. I can’t live life like this. I’m trying to get help and I don’t even think I will hurt myself but I can’t just have a normal relationship with someone. It has to come at the cost of being abused mentally, being seen as lower than their other friends, or something or anything. I’m so tired and my biggest wish I wish could be granted is just to pretty much sleep forever. It’d be amazing because there’s no pain but also no waking up to how cruel this world can be. People I love have made things worse and I don’t know why. Maybe I deserve this
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self-harm
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yeah i'm done i've basically decided that i can't have any nice things anymore. i wanna hurt myself so bad and i'm not sure if i can control the urge. life is utterly meaningless to me because when i try to give it meaning everything goes down the drain because i'm a piece of garbage. i can't have nice things because when i do i'm always below someone else. i can't be close to someone without there being some sort of catch. i can't live my life without every day messing something up. i'm so done and i've pretty much accepted that. i keep telling myself i'm gonna kill myself and i don't know when or how or what but yeah. i can't live life like this. i'm trying to get help and i don't even think i will hurt myself but i can't just have a normal relationship with someone. it has to come at the cost of being abused mentally, being seen as lower than their other friends, or something or anything. i'm so tired and my biggest wish i wish could be granted is just to pretty much sleep forever. it'd be amazing because there's no pain but also no waking up to how cruel this world can be. people i love have made things worse and i don't know why. maybe i deserve this
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My birthday wish is to be done with this lifelong struggle. I'm writing my notes to my family, but I'm on the fence about the man who's been my FWB for the past 2 years.
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self-harm
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my birthday wish is to be done with this lifelong struggle. i'm writing my notes to my family, but i'm on the fence about the man who's been my fwb for the past 2 years.
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I have considered suicide for a long time now, but this week was the limit.
This week my teacher told me I wasn’t going to graduate. As the only one of my class I had to stay at home and it hurt me so much when I saw pictures being shared on social media. They all seemed so happy and I was at home crying about what a failure I am. I seriously can’t do another year in school because it will mentally break me. I’d rather die than go to that school for another year.
In the graduation pictures I saw A (I don’t want to use her name), a girl i’ve been in love with for 2 years, but off course she doesn’t love me. Why would she? How can she love me if I can’t even love myself? We were so good friends but I ruined everything when I told her how I felt. I blame myself so much for ruining everything. The worst thing is that I feel so comforted by her, that now when I need it the most I can’t turn to her anymore.
To be honest I haven’t felt happy in 3 years now and I don’t see any change any time soon. I just hate myself, I hate everything about me. I feel useless, unloved, ashamed of who I am and unwanted. I just wake up everyday wishing I would’ve died in my sleep. I just want the suffering to end.
I also have been to psychologist for almost a year now. I think it’s the most useless thing to do because if I tell her I want to commit suicide they’ll just put me in a mental hospital.
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self-harm
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i have considered suicide for a long time now, but this week was the limit. this week my teacher told me i wasn't going to graduate. as the only one of my class i had to stay at home and it hurt me so much when i saw pictures being shared on social media. they all seemed so happy and i was at home crying about what a failure i am. i seriously can't do another year in school because it will mentally break me. i'd rather die than go to that school for another year. in the graduation pictures i saw a (i don't want to use her name), a girl i've been in love with for 2 years, but off course she doesn't love me. why would she? how can she love me if i can't even love myself? we were so good friends but i ruined everything when i told her how i felt. i blame myself so much for ruining everything. the worst thing is that i feel so comforted by her, that now when i need it the most i can't turn to her anymore. to be honest i haven't felt happy in 3 years now and i don't see any change any time soon. i just hate myself, i hate everything about me. i feel useless, unloved, ashamed of who i am and unwanted. i just wake up everyday wishing i would've died in my sleep. i just want the suffering to end. i also have been to psychologist for almost a year now. i think it's the most useless thing to do because if i tell her i want to commit suicide they'll just put me in a mental hospital.
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i just wanted to be loved, i just wanted to care and be cared about. i wanted to love someone who loves me, who finds me enjoyable, who would wake up in the morning and think of me and be happy i exist. i wanted to wake up and have a purpose. to be someones muse or reason or joy. to find someone who wants to know how i tick just as much as i explore how they do. someone who thinks about me, and i think about them. i just wanted love that was bright, warm, peaceful, calm, for someone to find me enough.
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self-harm
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i just wanted to be loved, i just wanted to care and be cared about. i wanted to love someone who loves me, who finds me enjoyable, who would wake up in the morning and think of me and be happy i exist. i wanted to wake up and have a purpose. to be someones muse or reason or joy. to find someone who wants to know how i tick just as much as i explore how they do. someone who thinks about me, and i think about them. i just wanted love that was bright, warm, peaceful, calm, for someone to find me enough.
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i tried to od last night, i guess i didn't take enough since obviously i'm here but nobody even noticed.
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self-harm
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i tried to od last night, i guess i didn't take enough since obviously i'm here but nobody even noticed.
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I don’t really have anybody to talk to and I don’t think I’m in a bad enough place to call my therapist... so I’m here.
I’m 31 and have, for most of my life, felt like there is something wrong with me. While I am rather intelligent, I am very disorganized, struggle to focus or accomplish anything, and have no friends. Since childhood, I have tried to get help but have instead been hurt time and time again.
At the age of 23 I feared I was transgender (despite being assigned female and wanting nothing more than to be a woman) and ended up in therapy with a psychologist who focused on gender. She understood my terror as internalized transphobia and pushed away every reason I had for not wanting to medically transition. I told her I wasn’t masculine and that thinking about starting testosterone provided me with no relief whatsoever, but therapy essentially became about me having to accept the horrible fact that I could not be a woman and would not be able to keep the body I had been blessed with. I proceeded to spend 5 years on testosterone and get a double mastectomy. It was terrible. [What I was dealing with is called transgender OCD; I never had gender dysphoria. I am a woman.]
It was only 2 years ago that I began to uncover all my memories of therapy with that woman and things came crashing down hard. I‘d had to convince myself that I was too fucked up to have children and that I could not be in a romantic relationship because nothing about the reality I was living in made sense. Over those years, I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to be a woman but had to just accept it. But now here I am, having lost so many years of my life, my body and voice forever altered.
I am still completely without motivation, friends, etc. I have done so little in life and cannot even afford an apartment of my own. I have a job, but I’m doing a bad work there and do not enjoy it. On some level I have accepted that I will never have my body back, but it makes me sick every day to remember I specifically went to therapy because I didn’t want to have to transition. That therapist’s treatment of me will never make any sense to me. And to make it all worse, everything that was wrong with me as a child is still wrong with me, but it’s all much worse now that I have this extra trauma that consumes me.
I don’t think I was supposed to be born. When I was younger, I told my mom she should have aborted me (terrible, I know, but it speaks to a long held feeling).
I regularly hope that I will die in my sleep but am coming to accept that I may have to end it myself. I don’t know how (and don’t want my roommate to have to find me) but it seems like the most rational thing to do. All I have learned from mental health treatment is that no one believes there’s anything that can be done for me. So many mental health professionals have tried to reframe my story and/or minimize various aspects of my struggle. But what I know is this: It’s not sustainable to live without connection. It feels horrible to be this smart but to have no motivation and be completely unable to accomplish anything. It hurts my heart watching everyone around me have babies and love when I know that even if somehow I found a partner, it would be cruel for me to try to be a parent. If I’m this messed up, a child of mine could really only be worse.
Anyway, maybe I’ll off myself soon... but I still hope I’ll get lucky and die suddenly and without pain. That would be a beautiful ending.
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self-harm
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i don't really have anybody to talk to and i don't think i'm in a bad enough place to call my therapist.. so i'm here. i'm 31 and have, for most of my life, felt like there is something wrong with me. while i am rather intelligent, i am very disorganized, struggle to focus or accomplish anything, and have no friends. since childhood, i have tried to get help but have instead been hurt time and time again. at the age of 23 i feared i was transgender (despite being assigned female and wanting nothing more than to be a woman) and ended up in therapy with a psychologist who focused on gender. she understood my terror as internalized transphobia and pushed away every reason i had for not wanting to medically transition. i told her i wasn't masculine and that thinking about starting testosterone provided me with no relief whatsoever, but therapy essentially became about me having to accept the horrible fact that i could not be a woman and would not be able to keep the body i had been blessed with. i proceeded to spend 5 years on testosterone and get a double mastectomy. it was terrible. [what i was dealing with is called transgender ocd; i never had gender dysphoria. i am a woman.] it was only 2 years ago that i began to uncover all my memories of therapy with that woman and things came crashing down hard. i'd had to convince myself that i was too fucked up to have children and that i could not be in a romantic relationship because nothing about the reality i was living in made sense. over those years, i couldn't understand why i wasn't allowed to be a woman but had to just accept it. but now here i am, having lost so many years of my life, my body and voice forever altered. i am still completely without motivation, friends, etc. i have done so little in life and cannot even afford an apartment of my own. i have a job, but i'm doing a bad work there and do not enjoy it. on some level i have accepted that i will never have my body back, but it makes me sick every day to remember i specifically went to therapy because i didn't want to have to transition. that therapist's treatment of me will never make any sense to me. and to make it all worse, everything that was wrong with me as a child is still wrong with me, but it's all much worse now that i have this extra trauma that consumes me. i don't think i was supposed to be born. when i was younger, i told my mom she should have aborted me (terrible, i know, but it speaks to a long held feeling). i regularly hope that i will die in my sleep but am coming to accept that i may have to end it myself. i don't know how (and don't want my roommate to have to find me) but it seems like the most rational thing to do. all i have learned from mental health treatment is that no one believes there's anything that can be done for me. so many mental health professionals have tried to reframe my story and/or minimize various aspects of my struggle. but what i know is this: it's not sustainable to live without connection. it feels horrible to be this smart but to have no motivation and be completely unable to accomplish anything. it hurts my heart watching everyone around me have babies and love when i know that even if somehow i found a partner, it would be cruel for me to try to be a parent. if i'm this messed up, a child of mine could really only be worse. anyway, maybe i'll off myself soon.. but i still hope i'll get lucky and die suddenly and without pain. that would be a beautiful ending.
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and it never ends. i want to be ready to make it end. i just hurt for the couple of people i leave behind
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self-harm
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and it never ends. i want to be ready to make it end. i just hurt for the couple of people i leave behind
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I'm sorry but I want to fucking die
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self-harm
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i'm sorry but i want to fucking die
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I just wanna put this somewhere because I have no one to tell. It's been two years since I ever thought about suicide. I need to change my community. I don't like the word "toxic" but it is a very succinct descriptor. My family is toxic, lots of people are toxic, the things I choose to read online cause me frustration and negative emotions. I need to stop surrounding myself with these things. I need to stop spending all my energy on things that I shouldn't expend so much time and energy on. I exercise and eat relatively well but I can see that my hobbies are breaking down. I want to go back to when I felt so motivated to better myself, my life, and my relationship.
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self-harm
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i just wanna put this somewhere because i have no one to tell. it's been two years since i ever thought about suicide. i need to change my community. i don't like the word "toxic" but it is a very succinct descriptor. my family is toxic, lots of people are toxic, the things i choose to read online cause me frustration and negative emotions. i need to stop surrounding myself with these things. i need to stop spending all my energy on things that i shouldn't expend so much time and energy on. i exercise and eat relatively well but i can see that my hobbies are breaking down. i want to go back to when i felt so motivated to better myself, my life, and my relationship.
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I’m 21 year old male, I’ve struggled with depression for approximately 5/6 years. I went to the GP a couple of times but both times just prescribed me pills that made me feel empty and if anything worse. I have a very supportive and open group of friends, but I’ve never truly opened up to them about how I feel, only dark jokes here n there and a couple of drunken spouts. I feel as if opening up to people that I see everyday just isn’t going to help, the few times I have brought the subject up I’ve been extremely intoxicated but nothing anyone has ever said really helps, they’ve of course told me they would always be there and what not, but this doesn’t really change anything. Don’t get me wrong I get the urge to talk to them, but it never really leads anywhere. I’ve thought about killing myself a lot in these 6 years, but only recently have I had urges. There’s always been so many things holding me back, but none of them are for my sake. For instance my mother is an alcoholic and hasn’t told me but is clearly depressed as fuck, so if I killed myself I feel it would inevitably lead to her death as I’m her only child, she has no husband and a very small amount of friends/family she’s in contact with. This is just one reason among a plethora of others, almost all related to the effect my suicide with have on others. My GP doesn’t seem to want to send me to counselling, and I certainly can’t afford private counselling. Im now getting to the point where I’m almost afraid of killing myself, for the sake of my parents, but I’m just beginning to care less and less about the fallout of my suicide. I don’t know who to talk to and I live in the UK, what are your suggestions?
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self-harm
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i'm 21 year old male, i've struggled with depression for approximately 5/6 years. i went to the gp a couple of times but both times just prescribed me pills that made me feel empty and if anything worse. i have a very supportive and open group of friends, but i've never truly opened up to them about how i feel, only dark jokes here n there and a couple of drunken spouts. i feel as if opening up to people that i see everyday just isn't going to help, the few times i have brought the subject up i've been extremely intoxicated but nothing anyone has ever said really helps, they've of course told me they would always be there and what not, but this doesn't really change anything. don't get me wrong i get the urge to talk to them, but it never really leads anywhere. i've thought about killing myself a lot in these 6 years, but only recently have i had urges. there's always been so many things holding me back, but none of them are for my sake. for instance my mother is an alcoholic and hasn't told me but is clearly depressed as fuck, so if i killed myself i feel it would inevitably lead to her death as i'm her only child, she has no husband and a very small amount of friends/family she's in contact with. this is just one reason among a plethora of others, almost all related to the effect my suicide with have on others. my gp doesn't seem to want to send me to counselling, and i certainly can't afford private counselling. im now getting to the point where i'm almost afraid of killing myself, for the sake of my parents, but i'm just beginning to care less and less about the fallout of my suicide. i don't know who to talk to and i live in the uk, what are your suggestions?
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